My year in 2011

Its weird a week ago I think this post would have turned out entirely different. I was in this place were I was feeling really great about life things and secure about my plans for 2012 and almost ready to unveil them to the world. Something happened though; and I don’t want to get into what it is right now, but it has left me suddenly back to know having a clue what or where 2012 is going to take me. So as I have sit here and stare at my blank screen trying to type a farewell to 2011, I don’t really know exactly how to proceed.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine.  And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing,  I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice,   stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency.  I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing.  I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.

Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge.  The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.

On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her  with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her.  I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg.  She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her.  All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.

I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible.  I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year.  I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen.  I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor.  As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside.  Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be.  For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today.  Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do.  Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.

Adam

I don't know if I've ever been in love in my 33 years of life. Looking back on my love life I can honestly say that I have no clue if I know what that even is. I mean I get the movie version and the story book version where you meet some one have a connection and everything else just falls into place so simple. Buts also know enough about life to know that love is complicated and it’s not something that happens with out work.  I honestly don't know if I've ever felt real romantic love. I actually thinking about it don't think I really have. My first boyfriend and I had this insane connection with each other and I remember thinking I was in love. And with all the chaos going on with in that relationship I just thought that's what love was. Cause in movies and stuff true love is chaotic and messy and complicated.  What I realized shortly after that relationship ended was that I really never loved him at all. I just felt kind of amazing having some I want me as much as he seems to want me during that time of my life and I mistook those feeling for love. But being wanted was better than me being in actual love. Sad but true.

My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton.  But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that.  I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.

The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.

I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going.  I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again.  Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute.  He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.

Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that.  From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam.  It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you  try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.

So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume.   I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together.  I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.

A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit.  It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not.  I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.

Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind.   It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used.  After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.

So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it.  I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.

Baby thoughts

I’m thinking about having a baby. Now those who know me well might find this as kind of a shock because I know I have mentioned adoption has been something I have wanted to do like pretty much forever. I still hope to one day adopt a child but right now the cost needed just to get that child much less try to raise it are far outside my means.  This time last year I was introduced to the world of foster parenting. And I do still think that I want to eventually do that as well. But I have learned it takes a lot of support to raise a foster child that might be damaged and I worry that I will have a super hard time finding the support to be a great single foster parent.

I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea.  But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me.  I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to.  I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.

I have really been thinking about  this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one.  I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me.  I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.

Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.

Birthday thoughts

Today is my birthday. I’m 33 now and I don’t really feel any different. What I do feel is that I am really enjoying me being in my thirties. It’s like I like being an adult. I like having adult issues and thoughts and meeting people in adult places and engaging in adult conversations. I like being a grown up and I guess it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I really understood the difference. I was always a super mature person and even at like preteen age I thought I was fairly grown up. But now looking back I get why being 30 really is fabulous. I wonder why you freak out so much about it.

I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work.  I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family.  I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.

For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and  also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old.  I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen.  I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.

Fostering revisited

It was almost 1 year ago that I started taking these foster parenting classes and almost 1 year that I have worked to make fostering a reality. But the reality of that situation is that it does take more then just a strong desire to foster a child. You have a bunch of tiny rules about the house situation and living arraignments that the state requires in order for a foster child to live with you.   Regardless to say, once I finished these classes and started the next step of the fostering process, which is the home study, I quickly learned that my apartment would fail miserable.

 Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location.  Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no.  I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study.  Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.

Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use.  Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture.  So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them.   Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.

Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care.  Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal.   But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem.  It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern.  So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option.  But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.

Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces.  Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down. 

OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping.  So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers.  Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers.  Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.

So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier.  It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it.  I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left  kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.

Worth

I have always wrestled with feelings of worthlessness. How do you know if you mean something or if your life actually matters? I mean I know that in terms of the universe my existence is pretty insignificant, but how about if I matter to the people around me on a day to day basis. I think that I do, but I have always had this wall that I can’t push past and say with confidence that yes I do.   I’ve always been very good at justifying these worthless feeling and allowing them to be a part of who I am and what I have become. I am easy to say things like “if you had some of the things happen to me then you would feel like this too” or “so many of the people who should show me how much I am worth have instead done the opposite” When I really sit and explore this whole worthlessness stuff, I know that I use those phrases as a crutch. I use the worthlessness thing as kind of crutch.  So what is worth exactly? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable and that commands esteem or respect, and merit. So how does my lack of worth really affect my life? I figure it kind of allows for two very specific things.

One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs  - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"

The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you.  Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.

Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily.  This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start.  So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job.  I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless.  I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything  and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise.  Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.

OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever.  I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might.  I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.

Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings.  “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”   With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.

About my mom

My mom is like my best friend. Ok maybe that’s not totally right, but she is right up there at the top of the list of people I go to with my issues. We talk almost every day and even though sometimes she drives me nuts I love her so much more then I every thought I could.  I think my mom is this super wonderful person who sometimes doesn’t give herself enough credit. I know that no matter what she does or says she doesn’t really have a mean bone in her body and she really wants to be a complete peacemaker never causing a riff. Sometimes I know that she is annoying about her inability to plan things and her uber spontaneous nature. But this is the same person who I can call in a moments notice and ask her to come over and help me clean my house and she totally would in a second.  I know that  as a fact cause I did it last week when I had friends coming to visit and it was a mess and I was over whelmed.

I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other.  This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is.  But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well.  Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.

I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me.  Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for.  I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today.  Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom.  I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.

So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her.  She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful.  I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him.  he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and  it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return. 

Maybe I'm back again

When I started this blog I had no idea what to expect from it. I figured that maybe if I wrote down some of these random thoughts it would eventually make its self into something relevant. I wasn’t sure if I could go through with sharing some of the more intimate details of my life with the public, but as the months have gone by I am happy to know that some of my demons have been brought into the open and now I can account for some of my actions without having to explained them. I have no idea where I want it to go or if I’m ever going to get anything important from it. But hopefully I will some day when I look back on all the entries.

What I do know is that sometimes I just sit down without thinking I have anything to talk about and suddenly I’m writing a ton of stuff and have like four entries.  This last month I felt the exact opposite. I never once went to write something down, even some of the stuff that I have been internally wrestling with. And every time I did try I would just sit here my hands hovering above the keyboard, stuck before even being able to start until I just finally gave up. See the one thing I do know is that I never wanted this Blog to become a chore. I’m not forcing myself to write even if I have nothing to write about. I’m not writing it for any of those people who read it but for myself and my own enjoyment.  I’m really just hoping that maybe some day I’ll look back and feel satisfied that I spent some time to turn my random thoughts into a collection of how I became my future self. 

I know this last month I have been absent. On September first I said that I was going to have to make sure I start writing things again, but as soon as I said it, I asked myself why? I mean why do I have to? I always want to feel like I can give this up the second it become too much of a task or a chore. But today as I sat down to just write a few sentence explanation about why I again have been absent; works been super busy, busy, I’ve been really tired and doing a ton of house sitting again in August.  Here I am turning those few sentences into a few paragraphs, so maybe this is a sign that I am back in the mode of writing again. I guess I have honestly missed doing it so who knows maybe the month of September will be extra full of the million of things I couldn’t seem to write about in August. Or maybe this is a one time fluke and I’m never going to be able to do it again all month.  This lack of pressure is why I think this whole process works for me.  No it is why it works for me… No thinking about it required.

For my final note, now I do know that some of my readers have really enjoyed and do look forward to these random entries I post, and I never want you to think I do not appreciate that immensely. It’s nice to know that people are getting to know me in a way that I could never share of myself in person.  I have not given up on anything with this blog instead I’m just going with the flow.

Another of my absences

I am sorry that these last few weeks I have not had a lot of posts on here. I have been very very busy and house sitting a ton for like a million different people.  As I have mentioned before on this blog I recently changed jobs. I went from spending the last three years happily working my day shift with the same days off week after week after week. To suddenly working these crazy overnight and ever changing days off shifts that totally threw me for a loop. I mean I knew that going into my new job what the schedule expectations were, so that’s not what the shock was. It was trying to get my body to be on the same page.

I wasn’t able to sleep during the day for more then like 2 hours for the first two weeks. I rarely felt tired even thought I should have considering the lack of sleep I was getting. I continued to just head straight to my various volunteer activities after working my butt off like planned, and never really felt a ton of repercussions about the fact that I should have felt so worn out.  I also got asked my a million people to house sit this summer so I spend a hefty part of my days driving around. This last weekend for example I was watching over four different houses. I am certainly not complaining but I will say that maybe when I said yes to it I didn’t fully understand how after working 11 hours I shouldn’t then spend another 2 driving around to take care of peoples pets. My poor pets themselves are feeling loss of me being around and I feel bad for my lack of attention, but I know I will make it up to them soon. After the first month I was like “This is awesome!  If this is how doing overnights will be then I got this night shift thing figured out and its going to be rad”

Well I guess that a month was about as long as it took my body to catch up cause these last few weeks I have suddenly fallen into a system where I’m exhausted as soon as I get off. I dread going to my volunteer activities because they are preventing me from sleeping, which is all I seem to want to do once my work night is over. I am suddenly very acutely aware about the fact that I have taken so many things on in my life and worried all of the sudden that I really I’m stupid for stretching myself out so thin.  It’s weird though that even with all of this I’m finding it very comforting that I am finding a normal routine again and that I am adjusted to what I have chosen to be my new life. I hope that in the next few weeks I will be back to finding the time and energy to post a bunch of awesome stuff here again, but for now you’ll have to just forgive my lack of doing so.  This is life and what it does to you; sometime you have to take a little break to get back on the right page again.

My next major friend in my life

KD was my next major friend in my life. And like Jessica she is also a success story, albeit one that took a little longer to become that way.  KD and I went to elementary school together and I’m pretty sure we were always pretty friendly but never super close. Somewhere during 7th grade just as I was starting to gain a little confidence in whom I was, and having a friend again, we started to talk along with another student named Cheryl. The three of us became kind of weird friends, with Cheryl being the leader of the trio and both I and KD being pitted against each other for the main follower role most of the time. This manipulative element of friendship became more problematic as the time went along and many times our little trio was gossiping about each other and fighting. Sometime during the 7th grade year Cheryl dropped out of school (to become a model and get home schooled) and this suddenly made me and KD free to build a really normal and healthy relationship. One that was fun and didn’t have all the bitchiness that seemed to happen when Cheryl was in the picture.

 I loved hanging with KD. She brought out this whole side of me that I thought Erin had killed. With her I became this goofy, loud, funny kid who wasn’t afraid to be obnoxious and make waves. We had so much fun together. We would go to the movies and like spend our time rolling down the isles and throwing candy at each other. Just being the loud and obnoxious pre-teens we were. With KD I never stopped laughing. She became a large part of my time during that first summer. She lived with in walking distance and most days one or the other of us would head to someone’s house and hang out. One thing I remember vividly about KD is that we used to make the goofy recording of us singing songs and other random things, and to this day my uncle Bruce  still asks about her, because somehow he ended up with one of these recording and really liking her.    KD came from the same kind of family environment I did, she also had a older brother by almost the same amount of years as mine was, her parents were  together and always super nice to me. I think because I was just as much a staple in her family as she was in mine. One time I remember her mom offering to make me these shorts. See another thing about KD that I remember is that she wore shorts every single day of the year. She was kooky but never apologized for it and I liked her so much more for that. By 8th grade she was sharing the title of best friend with Jessica and the two of them weren’t unfriendly but each held a different place in my life and for the most part our relationships were kept pretty separate. 

In 8th grade my dad died. And I remember KD being around for most of the after death stuff and really being someone who I could count on. She gave me a really nice card, which strangely I still have tucked away in a box in my parents garage. She came over after the funeral and hung out with me making me laugh like she knew how to do so well. She was understanding and never treated me any different afterwards. She always said things to make me laugh and keep my mind off all the crappy stuff that was going on. For this I was so appreciative.  It’s too bad that this was the last year of our friendship and the events of what ended it occurred. See at some point I started to worry about her doing things to herself that were unhealthy. I don’t want to get into too much detail because honestly it’s not important anymore and it’s not my life to tell you about. But at the age of 14 I didn’t know the best way to try to help her so I did the only thing could think of and I told people my suspicions. Needless to say that didn’t go down too well.  I started with the school resources; see I had a guidance counselor who had suddenly started buzzing around me a lot more, because ya know whole death of father stuff put me on the radar, I’m sure as someone to look out for. So I went to him first, they talked to her and nothing really got resolved.  Still thinking that she was hurting herself and needed help I ended up telling her mom about it.  I don’t know what the outcome way of that conversation but I know that from that point on KD and I stopped being friends, and she despised me.

Looking back at my 14 year old self I have no clue if what I did was right or wrong. I do know that a few years later I again went to my friend’s parents with a concern and again ended friendships.  I guess I can’t really say if I would do the same thing again today. But that was it with KD. I became the bitchy girl who told her mom a bunch of stuff that I had no right to tell, and she became another person not in my life. Just like Erin was to me. Instead I clung on to the one great friend I had left in Jessica, I made plans to spend a year over seas as and exchange student, and I started to get friendly with crazy Cheryl again.  We finished our time at JR high without talking and did our three years of high school hardly saying more then two words to each other.  I would watch her from afar at times with her other friends and I always see that goofy fun girl I knew, she never lost that part of herself over the years.  I moved on with out her as my friend, but I admit that I missed her, I missed her more then I think I knew at the time.  

But anyways like I said that the beginning of this story this is a good friendship story not a bad one.  At some point when I was living in Oregon somehow one or the other of us found each other on Facebook. Yes again with the whole Facebook bring my former friends out of the woodwork. I remember having a few written conversations on email and at some point making arrangements to meet for lunch when I was in town. I was kind of nervous because it was like 15 years later and honestly had no clue what to expect. Well it went great we had a nice lunch shared stories of our life and vowed to keep in touch.  When I headed back to Oregon I remember taking the time to call her, a lot of the time it was when I was going on random ranch calls and such.  She was fun to talk with and knew all about animals so she was always good to talk to about my job.  When I moved back to the Seattle area our lunches became more frequent and started to be more then just two old friends hanging out and more like just regular friends hanging out.  We also started to hang out outside of the restaurants, going to dog parks with our dogs and other places.  It was like all this drama from our youth didn’t exist anymore and we were able to find common things to share together.  And she still makes me laugh with her fun stories and the fact that she is one of the goofiest people I know. In so many ways she is still the exact same person I loved at the age of 13 just in a grown up body and in a good way.

Today I consider her a great friend.  She was one of the first people I called when I had gotten hurt and needed help going to the hospital. And like I knew she would she offered to drop everything and head on over to take me in the middle of the night. When I went out of the country she offered to house sit for me just because she is that good friend, and all she required in return was a thank you and a present form my vacation. When I really think about my relationships I don‘t really have too many true friendships, I know I have mentioned before I rarely seem to fight hard to keep people in my life. So I guess I’m proud of myself for making the effort with KD, because now I know that I have another real and true friend, and for that I am thankful beyond belief.

What driving across the state makes me think about.

Ok this is going to be a weird post I already know it. But I have spent the last few days driving from one side of the state to the next and then back again, the whole way I kept seeing those little road side crosses all over the place. I hate those little road side crosses for some reason, so I though I would ramble about them for a little bit. I guess part of the reason I dislike them is because I don’t get why they are placed on the road side. OK so yes I know first had how sad it is to loose someone you love and I totally understand why you want to have a spot to morn their life. I mean it’s sad that someone lost their life on that stretch of the highway. And I guess everyone needs to feel like they are getting a little closure.  But seriously why do they choose to place a constant reminder right on the site of your loved one death. I mean is it some place you are going to want to return to time and time again? I highly doubt that honestly.  I figure it boils down to a few different things,  number one is that some sort of tragic accident occurred right at that very spot and some morning family member what’s to leave a forever reminder of that horrible event for the world to see. See here is my problem with that. I mean if it was because this family member is in morning and wants to have this place of remembrance… Why don‘t you ever see the freaking people coming back to morn at the spot. Ok yes, sometimes you see some random silk flower and a laminated picture or two.  But unless the tragic event occurred in the last two months, those silk flowers are so faded and dirty that they just look like brown mud covered ugly bushes.  The pictures that had been left are starting to incinerate and words are getting all wind blown with the passing traffic to the point where you can no longer comprehend them. So I find it hard to believe that someone would pick placing this as there collective spot of morning when I bet there are a million cemeteries around with well tended too gardens and even fresh kept flowers galore.  And probably much more easy to access when you do feel the urge to remember this persons life, because it wont require a drive to the middle of nowhere and stand along the side of a busy highway in morning.

So I think that people place the crosses less as a place to morn a loss, and more as a reminder to those of us who drive by and see the little cross as we pass. Reminding us that roads are dangerous and that you might die so pay attention and whatnot.  And I‘ll admit that when I catch one of these little crosses covered with all the collective brown wind blown junk attached to it, I do take that extra few seconds to see if I can figure out what happened to that person. But honestly it’s like such a contradiction that this is what the purpose of them is. I mean it’s really just something that actually catches your eye and distracts you just a slight amount form concentrating on driving, and possibly causing just enough lack of attention to the road around you therefore causing you to get in an accident yourself. And heck maybe that accident will cause another death of another person or yourself, therefore allowing another lame roadside cross to get put up and perpetuating the whole turn of events all over again.  Ok so maybe that’s being kind of over dramatic but part of me kind of thinks that way. I mean it does just cause you to draw attention away from the road and makes you try to see if you can read any of the left over trinkets that have remained blowing around in the wind still attached.  What if at that same moment someone brakes really fast in front of you?  See it could happen.

I guess I do understand that need to feel like you are doing something after someone close to you dies. And I also understand that whole feeling that maybe leaving a little trinket will make some sort of difference to the world, because in times like that you feel so completely hopeless that you try to find anything to be your cause. So I guess I can forgive the crosses to some extent. I just wish that these same people who put them up would take responsibility for taking them down. Who knows maybe it would be just as healing to get some closure removing it from the tragic scene of the accident.   Getting to relive in all those trinket’s meaning and beginning to move forward. Anyways I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and I have no clue what the right or wrong thing to do is in a horrid situation like loosing someone in an accident along the said of the road. But like I said these last few days I spend driving a lot and kept seeing them all over the place and it started to be the thing I couldn’t get out of my head.

I'm kinda freaking out but also know that I'm just being dumb.

My best friend just had a baby a few weeks ago. I am so excited for them and can’t wait to get all the details about her life and see how she grows up.  She has been the result of so many tears and so much money. Honestly I cannot be happier for them. But there is this part of me that is really sad about her birth.  I know that this makes me a super crappy person, but the selfish part of me hates knowing that her being around is forever going to change the relationship I have with my best friend.  And I can’t help but worry that it might not change for the better.  See babies do weird things to people. It’s like they magically mend broken relationships and such. They make once bitter people suddenly all mushy and gooey. 

My best friend is that person who I am able to connect with about all my insane bitterness in the world and my family. She was able to match my bitterness perfectly because we shared so many of the similar concerns and problems.  But now she gets to be all happy and have this magical thing that she has wanted so badly for the last ten years and I feel left behind in my bitterness all alone now. Also babies tend to bring families together. See I have always had these dreams of being able to spend our holidays together with them and my someday future children. But now that the baby is born I know for a fact that their respective family’s are going to fight to the death for that holiday time, and my best friends wont be able to ditch them to hang with me anymore. Because this is what babies do to people, they make everyone forget about how crappy they might have treated you before, and once they are born it like people just consider it a blank slate again.

 Like I said I know this is totally selfish of me and I know that I have even talked to my best friend about it and she has assured me that things won’t be different. But they will be even in just a tiny way I know that from now on I am going to have to compete in this kid’s life to matter.  It’s hard for me because I don’t have this close relationship with too many people and I just don’t want to see this one go by the wayside.  And honestly I know that I am not giving enough credit to my best friend who I do know is going to work her ass off to make sure that I am included in all the wonderful things that this baby is going to bring. But I guess there is this part of me that just can’t shake these past experiences where people stopped fighting for my friendship and just let it slip away. She could never truly know how much she means to me and hat a totally loss to who I am if she fades out of my life. I consider her at times more like family then some of my real family is.  

I have made plans to go out to visit then next week and I really can’t wait to meet the baby and see first hand how wonderful I bet she is.  I’m sure that the second that I get there all my fears are going to disappear and we will all slip into our normal routine of laughing and talking about nothing like we always do.   It’s just hard having people around you move forward in ways that you can’t seem to be able to. I have been feeling so lost as to what I want my future to be and where I want it to be moving towards. I guess there is apart of me that cant help but feel like its sucks that the universe gave the one person who really understood where I was coming from and exactly what I was feeling this chance to stop feeling like I still do. I mean where is my break? Why can’t I get the one thing that I have wished for and worked for so hard for the last 10 years too?  Why am I the one who is getting left behind while they get to move forward? Sometimes I just don’t get what I am doing wrong and why I don’t seem to be enough to get those dreams too. 

I’m again going to say that I know this is retardedly selfish and lame that I am here whining abut such dumb things, when the world has such bigger issues. But what can I say… This baby has me worried and it has me rethinking plans in my life that I thought were going to be a certain.  Now I just am feeling back to being kind of lost and unsure if I can talk to my best friend about it, cause she gets this joyful bundle of awesome occupying her time and maybe cant remember what its like being where I am anymore. Who knows, I’m probably totally wrong and I’m sure next week when I am back from my visit I’ll read this and crack up about how stupid my feeling once were.

Bye Bye Baby Owls

This is the recap of one of the major releases that went on this week at the wild life center. I wasn't there for it so it comes second hand from one of the rehabbers who I work with on the weekend. But I did have a lot of contact with all these owls over the last few months as they spent time at the center. Its just another warm and fuzzy story that reminds me why I love doing rehab work so much, even just as a twice weekly volunteer.   I just thought I would share it with everyone because there are some awesome pictures to go along with it. Enjoy!

On May 5, employees at the Quincy Animal Shelter in Eastern Washington discovered a box sitting on their doorstep. It was not surprising to find a box on the doorstep of the shelter as the appearance of the mystery box is a common occurrence in the animal sheltering world. But the box on the doorstep of the Quincy shelter did not contain the expected puppies or kittens. Instead, workers who opened the box came face to face with five downy Barn Owl chicks. There was no note or information of any kind left with the birds so reuniting them with their parents was not a possibility. The shelter contacted the Wildlife Center for help, and we dispatched a volunteer to retrieve the owls and transport them to us for care.


All five Barn Owls thrived during their time here at the center and by the middle of July, all five owls had reached the point where they were ready and able to fend for themselves. On Sunday they were transported them back over the Cascade Mountains to a 4,000 acre wildlife preserve called Swauk Creek Ranch. This would become their new home. Swauk Creek Ranch manager Eric assisted with the release as well as one of the rehabbers. The following photographs tell the story of their return to freedom.

The first owl was reluctant to leave the perceived safety of the box. We decided to let him think it over while we released the other owls.	When we opened the second owl’s box she had no reservations about taking flight. She immediately launched herself skyward.
She flew about 100 yards and landed on a perch in a nearby stand of cottonwood trees.	Eric opened the third owl’s box, expecting the owl to fly away from him in the direction the box was pointing. Instead, the owl turned 180-degrees and flew right in front of Eric’s face.
After flying in front of Eric, the owl continued on, disappearing into tall trees along the ranch property’s namesake Swauk Creek.	The fourth owl was also a bit reluctant to leave the box. He stayed put for several minutes, eyeing us suspiciously. When he finally decided to fly, it happened so quickly that I didn’t even get a photograph.
The last owl exited his box immediately and flew almost straight up.	As he was gaining altitude, above me, I managed to capture this photo.
When he was satisfied that he was high enough above Eric and I, the owl turned toward the cottonwood stand.	He gained speed and disappeared into the trees.
With the other four owls now free, we turned our attention back to the first owl that was still sitting tight in his box. Eric gave the owl some gentle encouragement to leave, and the bird backed out of the box in a defensive posture.	Now out of the box, the owl continued to keep up his defenses. He was not willing to turn his back on us to fly away. We backed up about 25 yards and stood behind a truck. After waiting about 10 more minutes the owl still had not taken flight.
I decided to call the owl’s bluff by walking toward him. He first intensified his defensive display, but when I came within arm’s reach of him he took off for the safety of the trees.	To get his bearings, the owl flew in a wide circle. For a moment he was just a silhouette against the clouds.
After completing his circle, the owl seemed to make up his mind. Now he began to fly in a straight line to the northwest.	The owl flew over the top of the cottonwood trees and disappeared from view.
After the release, some of the owls could still be seen resting in the cottonwoods.	Knowing that all five birds were secure on high perches, we left them to become acquainted with their new home.

Two weeks done

My first few weeks at emergency have been going ok. I mean its such hard work where you have to constantly spend your time checking and touching each animal hourly if not even more frequently. My first night we had a little Shitz Tzu that was having such severe seizures he was requiring injections ever 20-30 minutes to keep them at bay. Basically someone had to be at his bedside the whole night catering to him alone.  I forgot about the emotional and even physical demands that are required to provide this kind of constant care. But it’s been crazy to be back in an environment where you don’t ever really have the chance to relax even for just a few minutes. I leave after my sift feeling like I did real hard work and I feel like I have mattered in a way that others may not understand.   It’s been nice and I’m thrilled to be back in doing emergency medicine.

This is the first time in a long time that I have worked for a large emergency hospital that is not just an emergency but also specialty practice, with neurology, surgery, cardiology, radiology, among others. During the day it’s a bustle of activities and departments all working together and caring for the animals.  It’s nice that this place the specialists transfer the patients over to the ER completely at night and so we are able to make all the medical decisions for their care with out having to consult them. It’s nice to have that element of trust in place on the ER doctor. I have worked and seen hospitals where those cases are kept separate and when you might need to perform a treatment you would have to contact that doctor to get the permission.  I like this system so much more, and it’s allowing for the best patient care to be provided every night.

The things that come in over night for emergency are fun. It’s such a variety from people who are genuinely concerned and have real issues, to people who know that they are being over concerned and probably seeing things in their animals that aren’t there.  But you can’t fault either of these people because either way its nice knowing that they care enough to be concerned enough to drag themselves in the middle of the night to the ER.  Sometimes its funny cause we will present a plan to people and they will be like “no I’ll just wait and see the regular vet in the morning” these are the times when you wonder why they even bothered at all. I mean you could have just done that and saved the trip downright? But the other thing I have noticed is that there really are a lot of day practices that will absolutely refuse to get animals sent to them.  Or get someone in that might need to really see the vet because they are full. I feel so lucky to have always worked for a place where we tried our best to accommodate the needs of our clients and taken their animals from the ER when it was warranted. And able to see walk ins even when we were super busy.  It’s frustrating to have so many places that won’t treat clients that same way.

The tools that my new practice has are also amazing. It’s like a schmorgus board of awesome tools and skills in this building and again it’s nice to be able to have them all at our disposal. In surgery the other night I was able to hook my dog up to a ventilator to breath for her. Just cause they have it and its better medicine to use it. Its nice and comforting to know that we will never run out of fluid pumps, that every drug imaginable is available for use, and if something super critical comes in we can perform whatever is needed to save that animal without a second thought. I guess this is what makes an ER so different then a general practice, having access to all these special tools.  I’m enjoying it a lot so far and glad that I made the step in this direction.  Once I start to adjust to the schedule and sleeping during the day I will enjoy it more, but I know that will just take time to adapt to it. So far most of the people have been really nice, although of course a few have been less the friendly to my arrival, but I know that with time they also will come around. It just going to be a process and I know that starting anything new will have its up and downs. So far in my first weeks the pros have out weighed the cons so I feel like its been a successful changeover.  I miss my old work were I had a great friends and knew what my skills were and they knew mine. But I know that with time I will get the same things with this new place and I have to just be patient and trust that it will happen with time. 

My newly formed gigantic blisters

OK so making the decision to walk to work my first night was by far probably the worst decision I have ever made.  See when I got offered this job one of the things that really excited me was that it was only three miles from my apartment. I was totally like sweet, I go a further distance when I am at the gym doing cardio and this will be awesome I can ditch the car, get some exercise, and help reduce my carbon foot print all just by walking to work. See in all my jobs I have never lived this close and it really excited me that I had this as an option.  The last place I worked required a 35 minute drive and if did want to take the bus I would have to transfer three different times and have the trip take almost two hours.  Where I worked in Oregon I had to spend almost an hour driving around on a super loan highway each way.  In Colorado the closest I got was about fifteen minutes away and never close enough where I could head home for my lunch break.  So on this first night of my new job I left an hour before my shift started. I wasn’t entirely sure about how long it would take to get there and of course I didn’t want to be late. It was a perfect summer evening and when I started out it was at the end of a sunny day and only as I had the last few blocks to go did it turn dark, and never once didn’t I feel weary about being outside.  I threw on my ipod and enjoyed a great play list as I walked along. I timed it perfectly arriving only 15 minutes before I was required to and with just enough time to clean myself up, change, and drink a bunch of water to refresh before clocking in.

I got so wrapped up in the whole walking to work stuff that I forgot one very important detail. Working emergency is like way harder and more physical work then I have done in a long time.  And even though it was only my first day I was running around like crazy,  and unlike in my last job never really had a chance to ever once sit down..  By the time my ten hours were done and I started my three mile walk home my feet hurt pretty badly. The walk home is pretty much up hill for the whole first half. I wasn’t very tired and it again was a perfect summer morning, the sun was shining, and I was thrilled to have brought a tank top to change into. Half way back home I started to really feel the pain in my feet, but I just figured that it was being on them now for almost 12 hours.  The walk in total took about an hour and as I entered the house I was so elated that I had made this decision to walk to work and eager to do it again tomorrow because I felt so refreshed and healthy. Even with my now super killing feet. It wasn’t until I got undressed and jumped in the shower that I noticed the huge blisters forming on my feet.  After I fell asleep for a few hours they seemed to triple in size, and by the time I woke up I seriously had so much pain, that spent the rest of the day hobbling around the house.  Now I am keeping my insanely huge blisters covered with a million Band-Aids and thick socks in order to super pad them. I have managed to make it through last night with minimal pain and a whole lotta Tylenol. And tonight I’m planning a similar plan of action and doing the same thing, because they are still super killing me. So needless to say, last night I drove in and will tonight as well.  I felt a little bad about it, but I guess it was ambitious to think that a six mile walk on top of my new responsibilities was a good idea. Maybe I should try to work up to the walking to work stuff But I guess that’s what I get for trying to reduce my carbon footprint.

starting again

I know this is a short posting but I start my new job tonight.  I have been trying to stay up an hour or so later each night so that the shock of having to work overnight won't be so horrible. I am so excited but also so nervous. In my adult life I have so many first days at so many different jobs. Some have been super awesome and some have been not as much. I am excited to see what happens with this one. I have a feeling that the people I will meet are going to be great because in all the times that I have already met them they were super nice. The hospital seems so excited for me to be working with them and this excitement is so infectious.  I am slightly fearful that I might not be able to keep up with the skills required for emergency medicine because I have been in day practice for so long. I mean five years is a while when you think about how much has changed in veterinary medicine.  I just don’t want to feel super lost and honestly wish I had a tinge more confidence that I won’t. But I do think it’s going to be ok. I hope that this afternoon I can force my body to take a nap because that is going to help me not crash in the middle of the night. Well see I guess because that’s all I can do at this point.

Uninsured

I officially don’t have health insurance. This is kinda a scary thing for me, which is weird cause I have had many times in my life where I have lacked insurance. The part that sucks right now about my lack of health insurance is that I really think I need to go to the doctor and because of my lack of insurance I will not go because I can’t afford to.  About a week ago I was just sitting at my computer just doing random stuff online like I always do every night after work. I was suddenly struck by this horrible pain in the right side of my abdomen. It was like so intense and came on super suddenly all with in like 10 or 15 seconds. I instantly couldn’t move and felt like I was going to throw up. It was super scary. I have a very high pain tolerance due to the many random injuries and medical things I have had done to me over the years. But this was so bad. I seriously had tears running down my face due to the intensity of the pain and it seemed to spread down to my pelvic region now and seriously every time I tried to move it was like a million knives stabbing into me. I found enough energy to Google “sudden right sided pain” and sad to say all the results were like super doper bad.  The very first thing that pops up is appendicitis and that is a medical emergency and requires an immediate trip to the ER.  Huh now I was even more worried and unfortunately immediately regretted doing what I hate when clients at work do and that’s when you try to self diagnose medical stuff by using the internet.

By now it had been like fifteen minutes of this horrid pain so I thought I really need to decide if I want to go to the ER or not. So here was my dilemma. I only had a few more days of health insurance until it was canceled for that period between when I quit my old job and before I’m eligible with my new one.  So my worry is that if I sat on this pain and didn’t do anything about it and it did turn out to be something really bad, it would show up during this period where I was UN insured.  But on the flip side going to the ER isn’t a cheap thing and I know first hand how much medical stuff costs even when you do have insurance.  I also had to work the next day and I knew that we were short one person and didn’t want to leave them short another.   I admit that I have a strong loyalty to my job. I tend to pick working to taking care of myself often. Maybe that’s what makes me such a great employee. So anyways back to my mysterious pain, so I decided that I would take a few Ibuprofens and see if in two hours it made it go away. If it did then I would see what happens in the morning and maybe try to leave work early and go to the doctor and if it didn’t help in two hours I would go to the ER. I lay down on the couch and waited my fate. After two hours I was super achy but the pain wasn’t as bad so I figured I would just go to sleep, if in the middle of the night once the drugs wore off I was back to having the horrible pain, I would know what I had to do. Imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day feeling totally fine. No pain at all and it was almost like a distant memory of long ago Seriously I felt totally normal. Its hard to believe that it went from so super bad to gone is such a short time.  It was really the weirdest thing I have ever felt.

But here’s the thing that has worried me ever since.  Well a few things do honestly. One I have never felt that sort of sudden onset of excruciating pain before, so I have to think that it still could mean something serious. Also a few days after it happened I have had the worst sore throat that I have ever had in my life. Now at first I just figured that I got a little bit of a cold. I had this sore throat and sometimes I woke up with a bit of congestion. But now that’s its been over a week this sore throat is still super bad like hard to swallow bad, and I have no other signs of illness.  Oh one of my glands is really enlarged and painful as well. It’s like everything I read (yes back on the internet I go to get my self diagnosis) says that if you have a persistent sore throat for longer then a week you should worry about things like strep. I probable should go to a doctor, but because I now don’t have health insurance and super cant afford to go without insurance, I am not going to and so if it is something like strep, It wont go away and could become much worse .Or heck what if its something like tonsillitis and I need to have surgery to remove my tonsils. That would be awesome with no insurance.  Its really tough being in this position because I don’t want to take my health lightly but what else can I do? I sympathize for all the millions of people who don’t have the option of health insurance or who have medical issues that aren’t even helped by their coverage. Because I know that so many people in this same position exist in the country. It’s such a flawed medical insurance system we live in and this week I have kind of felt it first hand. I have tried really hard to take care of myself extra well these last few days, because I know that I start to get really really busy the rest of the month.  I start my new job with all new crazy hours, I have taken on extra shifts at the wildlife center, I am house sitting for a ton of people some weekends three at once, and I know that come the end of the month I’m going to be slightly burned out and over extended feeling. But its strange that I feel totally normal except this super bad, can hardly swallow, only making it livable with the help of Tylenol and Nyquil ,sore throat.  I just hope that I can beat this and that it’s nothing serious, because the last thing I want to have to do is need some sort of emergency surgery while uninsured. That’s like my worst nightmare… Man I’m not even going to think about it.   So for the next two remaining days I am going to drink a ton of juice and tea, lay around the house watching movies and reading books, basically being bored out of my mind. But hopefully it will make the pain go away. If not then hopefully I can live with it for the next 90 days until my insurance kicks in and then I’ll head to the doctor.

Jessica

Jessica has already made one appearance in this blog but I find it only fair to give her her own posting. Jessica was the one person who single handedly saved my junior high experience.  So here I was this lost sad little new student with no friends and no clue how to make them due to the aforementioned Erin debacle. I somehow started to hang out at my lunch time with these one group pf girls, who were from one of the other elementary schools, hence not knowing anything about me or my former self. I remember that I kind of sat on the out skirts of this group at lunch and kind of followed them around between classes, but I never really thought that we were close. I just kind of went through the motions of it all and to tell you honestly I kind of went through the motions for everything back then.  There was this one girl though who I kind of liked in this group named Jessica but I never really made a ton of effort or anything because I mean look where that got me last time.

Anyways… Much to my surprise Jessica seemed to like me as well and soon we started to talk more and more and like start to become friends even. I remember this one day at lunch when she and I ate lunch together just the two of us in the locker bays. I have no clue what lead up to this moment but at some point one of us threw a mushy peach over the bays of lockers into another behind us. We both spent the whole lunch time in stitches and being goofy. For me that was the moment that I started to think I had found another person I could call a  real friend.  What I found out from Jessica some time later on that year, is that how that one on one lunch came about ,is because those other girls were going to push me out of the group and Jessica stood up for me and left instead. She basically choose hanging out with me instead of hanging out with them. That was something I always held in very high regards with Jessica, she was fiercely loyal.

Jessica became my best friend for the rest of junior high and part of high school. I look back on my life and I have so many memories of things we did together. Her mother was much stricter then mine and lucky for Jess her mom seemed to adore me, so Jess was always given a longer leash per say when hanging out with me.  This was perfect for us both because I frequently got to be a part of things or crowd sthat I never would have if not for her involvement. She made me have a fairly normal middle school experience. Over the summers we spent a ton of time together.  One summer her mom allowed me to come camping with their family, it was so fun and I got to drive this crazy van around with her and her sisters. We spend all this time listening to the Doors and having deep meaningful conversations about life.  I was Jessica’s person she would come to with her boy issues and unlike me and my lack of boy experience, Jessica had boy friends and relations that I could only experience through her.  Jessica was the person I was with when I met Jeff, my later to be boyfriend and the first guy who I ever got involved with closely.  She was also a witness to that relationship breaking down in one of the worst ways possible. I bet even still she remember that fateful night with the hammer right?

When I was in 9th grade I went to New Zealand as an exchange student and it was Jessica I missed the most. I was worried that she would just find a new set of friends when I was gone and that would be it. I had a mixed time over in New Zealand (another story) but the whole time I was gone Jessica sent me brightly colored letters detailing all that I was missing back home. When I returned it was a little weird for a while, because she had made some new friends who didn’t know about me and me them. But Jessica never let me ever get pushed to the outside of the group again.  She was always like that for me, she always made me feel like I was more worthy then I ever really felt I was, but having her see me that way made it seem more real to me.  Jessica never let me do anything I didn’t want too. She was like I said fiercely loyal. One time we had snuck out of her house to go meet some boys on  the golf course near her house, and they were all smoking pot and getting stoned. When it came time for them to pass to me, it was Jessica who told them I didn’t do it, and that was it. She never once pressured me to do anything with drugs and I have always respected her for that, because I know that’s not how a lot of teenagers treat their peers. She always just accepted me for the fact that I wasn‘t interested and that was it. This night like many, she told them all about how I sang, and in her stoned state always asked me to sing for her. I would to; she was one of the only people I felt really comfortable singing for.

So with all these amazing moments shared and such ,your probably wondering what happened? Well it was kind of uneventful what ended our friendship. There was no huge falling out or anything. She was smart and did well in school and studied and took advanced classes. I hated school ,never did homework and although I was smart ,I didn’t care about school at all. She eventually started taking running start classes at the community college and she found new people to hang out with. Me I stayed in our high school and suffered the misery of life there. We were always friendly but not nearly as close as we had been before. At some point she met a new guy and started to hang out with hi ma lot. I remember going to Dennys with them and drinking coffee and coloring pictures.  But for the first time I wasn’t a part of this relationship and that was ok with me.

 Eventually we graduated and I never looked back. She went on to college and I started to work full time and found a new group of people to be my friends and that was kind of just it. I eventually moved out of the area, and then spent 13 more years moving around. Jessica… Well I had no clue honestly what she ended up doing during those 13 years. I was sad that I didn’t stay close, but it was ok cause I guess that’s what people do, they grow apart.  It doesn’t have to be anything dramatic or bad.  The one thing I’ll say is that I always thought about her when I returned to the area ,but something always made me stop when I thought about looking her up. A few years back we had our high school reunion and I of course didn’t go (ya know cause high school was hell for me and all) but I saw on the list that she had RSVP’d. It once again made me start to think about her again. When I moved back to the area we somehow connected again.  I don’t really remember the details of finding each other but I know that Facebook was involved. I don’t remember who sent the first message or making the plan to meet up,  but we ended up taking a walk with my dogs and catching up. It was really really nice.  Since then we have gotten together only a few  other times but it’s because we are both super busy and not due to lack of wanting to.

This is one of those storied about a friendship that is happy for me… I do have a few of those to share.  I love knowing that she is back in my life, even if just as someone who pops up on my Facebook page with some sort of random comment or likes something I say. I like knowing that she is in my around even in just that small way.  And I hope that she feels the same about me. I am glad that she always invites me to things and sometime when my life isn’t insane, I’m going to show up at one of these events. i like the fact that now we can build an adult friendship based on more then just the every day seeing each other doing nothing. The conversations can be meaningful  even if they are small and few.  She might not have any idea about how much she saved me back in JR high (well maybe she does now) but I’m so glad that we were able to make our friendship worth more then just  something we both forever walked away from. I know that we will never go back to that best friend status but I’m at a point in my life where I can appreciate just  having loyal, kind, and good people in my life and  Jessica is all those and more. I hope that in the future we will be able to find some more time to hang out together.

Starting this last week.

I have two days left at my job until I start a new job. This is a really exciting thing for me but I am also faced with many fears.  I have always been labeled kind of a hard person to know. I come off as a bitch I’ve been told more then once. And I know that I tend to show lots of indifference to people who I deem unworthy. Even thought I really don’t mean to.  I have been working on it but I know that these are the first impressions that people commonly get from me.  I started working at my current hospital two and a half years ago after I moved back to the Seattle area. I thought that being as experienced and diverse as I was in this field, finding a job in such a huge place like Seattle would be easy. It turned out that I was quite wrong.

Before I even moved here I had more then one interview lined up just by sending out my resume to a few different larger clinics. I took more then one trip over the mountains for interviews and job shadows from my tiny town in North Eastern Oregon. When I finally actually moved, it was the middle of the one winter when Seattle had a bunch of snow and pretty much shut down for a week or two. I got a lot of positive feed back from these places, but they all told me that because it was the middle of winter they were unable to hire anyone new at this time. I kept at it, sending out like a ton of resumes a day and always taking interviews. I had some meetings at some pretty weird places, and did some pretty weird working interviews let me tell you. I turned down one place where I didn’t think would match my style and I hoped that I wouldn’t regret that decision.  Because at this time I was starting to feel the pressure to just find any job.

After about two and a half months I was running out of money and starting to get kind of worried. I mean I really didn’t think it would be this tough to find a job and had never had this much trouble in all the places I have lived in.  I knew that I was following all the rules of job searching, and I know that my resume stood out. I just figured that with the way the economy was and the crappy weather were both constantly working against me. I started to modify my resume to be acceptable on even the human side of things because this is how desperate I was becoming. I sent out another wave of resumes and just waited.  I received a call from this one hospital and had a very lovely conversation with the office manager. They then asked me to come in for a sit down interview with the owner. I arrived at that and I met the owner and talked about what they wanted and what not, and I felt really good about the place.   But heck maybe it was cause I was kind of desperate for anything to feel good at this point. They asked me to come back for a working interview and I eagerly accepted.  The day of my working interview was crazy for me and I really just needed it to go well. So I tried to just make myself super friendly and talkative and not seem bitchy and I overly intense. I guess something worked out well because I left totally feeling like I bonded with one of the staff members and totally hoping that this would be the place I would work.  I waited for like a week until I got the call and lucky for me it did become just that.

I am not going to say that my two and a half years have been perfect. There have been many ups and downs. I have seen some really great people and some really awful people come and go.  I have had good moments and bad moments in this time. I have been the butt of many jokes, and made them all laugh at another crazy Martha story;   I have felt pressure both with my co-worker and just in the intensity of working in this field.  I have met some really amazing animals. But as I approach my last two days being employed there, I know that I have truly been able to be a part of a really amazing team of people who I will miss so much. Where as this job may have started out  as a little bit as a desperation; It has turned into a wonderful place filled with really fun and incredible people, who I know respect and admire me just as much as I do them. I’m sad to have to move on. I am scared to leave that comfort of being a part of this closeness. But I’m excited to see if I can make my new job become the same way to me. I will never forget the people I have spent all this time with or tons of the animals I have had the pleasure to help and care for. I will miss them all more then you could imagine.

So this post is for all you guys… I know many of you read this and many of you don’t. I just want to say thanks for being the best two and a half years I could have. Thanks for allowing me to be this goofy fun and zany person I always have been. Know that I will miss each and every one of you for so many different reasons, but know that I will always be around if you need me maybe not as a co-worker but definitely as a friend.  It will be weird to return to my hospital as a client instead of an employee. But I am embracing this change and ready to have a great new challenge in my life to pursue.