Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Maybe another plan in the works

I am thinking about getting a foreign exchange student this upcoming year. I have been doing a ton of thinking about what being a parent is going to take and I’ll be very honest and say that part of me is really terrified because it is such a huge transition. I mean its going from being single and carefree to being a parent of an unknown age and behavior status child in a tiny 12 hour time period. When you put it out like that can you blame me for being super freaked out? Its not that I don’t want to be a foster parent because I really really do. I am just feeling that maybe I need to see if I could find some sort of stepping stone between the two to take on first.  That’s when it hit me that maybe the perfect transition is to host an international high school student for a year. This way I can be responsible for someone on a daily basis but maybe it won’t be quite as intense as a foster child very well might be. You know because of the fact that the majority foster kids show a high prevalence for sexual aggression and other equally as daunting issues. 

As soon as I thought about doing this it became super clear that it was the perfect stepping stone for me. I mean I would still have to welcome them into my house, provide a clean and healthy environment, and be responsible for someone besides myself. Make sure they have three meals a day to eat, transportation, clothes, entertainment, interaction, support and love. But because they are a little older and not going through some super traumatic event in life, hopefully they will end up being a little it more independent and less needy then a foster kid would be. The only thing that I worry about is that I am a single person and I have no other kid s, so is it really going to be a great place for a foreign student to be stuck for a year.  I decided to go out and investigate. I contacted a few different international hosting agencies and both of them assured me that I would be totally fine being a host parent even though I don’t have kids of my own. They say that some kids come from larger families and all they want is to be an only child in the new country.  And many kids just don’t have a preference at all. They all said that I would be perfect fit for being a host parent, and they sent me the appropriate paperwork. 

I was a host student when I was in high school. I didn’t have the best experience with my own host family and maybe this would be the chance to redeem it in some small way. Someday I might have the guts to talk about my own experiences but right now they are still pretty raw. Anyways…Now that I have the applications in hand I do have a few things to think about before taking this leap. The first one is that I will need to really figure out if I am moving of not.  See I might have the chance to rent out my parents house.  But so far they cannot commit to me an exact date that I could move in, if I am able to move in. If I take an exchange student I would have to be able to be in the house that’s in the school district where they would be attending school starting by the end of summer. And would have to continue living in it until they were finished with the school year.  I mean the last thing that the program wants is to make a poor international student change schools mid way through the year.  One of the major benefits though if I did take an international student I would not necessarily have to move into a three bedroom house right away. Unlike with the foster kids, I guess they put more trust in the decision making of international kid to not drown in my large turtle pond. So unlike when having foster kids I wouldn’t have to confine it behind locked doors in its own room. I wouldn’t have to do a lot of other junk as well cause honestly getting your house ready for foster kids is kind a freakishly daunting task in itself I’m finding.   The things that have to be inspected alone are huge, much less the little rules you need in place, and the weird things they require of your house to have. So this way I can still have a kid of my very own and be working towards the foster kid house stuff slowly so that I’m still moving forward with that being my goal.

See it’s like when they tell married people to go get a dog before you have kids, so you have some of the same responsibilities. But without fucking up a human life if you’re not ready for the responsibility in the end. I have always hated having people say that because it makes me feel sorry for the poor possibly unwanted dog.  So this is where I am at in my life right now. I am waiting a month for my parents to decide if they not only want to rent me their house but if they think they could allow me to move in by the end of summer. I think that if they can, I will try to get an international student for the year ahead. If they can’t then I might or might not be looking for a place away from their house to try to move into and get the house thing done on my own. I hate having to wait for other people to decide my destiny for me, but I get that my parents need to have some time to make that decision, because as my mom always says its 40 years worth of her life she has to figure out.  I have never been very good at just waiting. I like to always be moving forward in the directions to reach my goals. I really really really think that this is my goal in life to be a foster parent and maybe its going to take a few baby steps to get it. Baby steps are alright though so I’m happy with this being my secondary plan. But for now I am just sitting here waiting.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Doggie Karma

I found this very cute dog once.  I was living in Colorado and I lived on an apartment along a golf course. I was out walking my dogs one evening and it happened to be snowing out. I think that was the winter Colorado had like non stops blizzards. So I was out walking the dogs in the evening while there was still enough light out to see, and suddenly this little white puffy dog started to follow along with us. He was cute and seemed to feel right at home walking with me and my two dogs, and stayed with us until we got home. I figured that he would go back to his house when we got back to my apartment and went inside. But instead of leaving he just stayed right on the edge of my deck looking out at the snow falling again just like he owned the place. I watched some TV before going to bed for the night, the whole evening just watching him sit there. By the time it got cold and dark, I figured it wasn’t safe for this little puffy all white dog to be outside for the night where visibility isn’t great, and I didn’t want him to get injured or anything. So I thought I would see what would happen if I let him come inside.  He didn’t need any coaxing to enter into my house. He ran right in and after taking a quick sniff around the place; he just lay down on the floor in front of the couch and went to sleep. At night I kenneled my dogs up in case they decided not to like this new addition, and I closed me and the puffy dog in the bedroom where he spent the whole night sleeping at the base of my bed like a perfect gentleman. It became very very obvious that he had a home somewhere and they must be missing him if they even know that he is gone.

The next morning I put one of the extra leashes on him and all three of us walked around the neighborhood looking for any sign of where he came from. I was hoping that he would kinda lead me back to where he was familiar, but instead he just walked along with my two dogs without a care in the world as to where we were going.  I took him it my clinic to see if he had a microchip and he didn’t. Then I started to call all the various shelters to see if anyone had reported him lost. Nobody had reported a lost American Eskimo dog and they asked me if I wanted to keep him or to bring him to the shelter. I said that honestly  he seems to be doing totally ok at my house with me and my dogs and seems to have perfect manners, so I told them that I was ok holding on to him for a little bit.  They assured me that they would call if anyone called into report him missing. They said that if after 1 week goes by its pretty unlikely that he will be claimed.  At this point I figured that I needed to start calling him something besides puffy so I started to call him Cooper.  Cooper ended up staying with me for five days. He was a great dog, he just stayed in the house while I went to work, slept on the floor in whatever room I was in, and he and my dogs seemed to become buds.

The shelter called me to report that his owners may have called in and they give me their number. I called and after talking to the woman we did determine that Cooper was indeed theirs. She said that she has a disabled son and he accidentally let out Klondike (of course the American Eskimo was named Klondike… how not original that is!)  They had been looking all over the neighborhood for him but because of the snow it was hard for them to get around. They finally called the shelter and that’s how they got my number.  It turns out that they lived pretty far away from me he took quite a trek. But I got the address and told them that after work I would drive on over to deliver him. For some reason they weren’t able to drive to my house, maybe because of the weather.   When I got to their house it was obvious that he was indeed very much missed. The son was so happy to see him and he was jumping around just as excited. They were so thankful that I had taken such good care of him and they tried to give me 100 bucks for my trouble. I refused the money. I told them I truly believe in dog karma. I just would hope that if someone ever found one of my dogs out running around, that they would take as good of care of it as I did for Klondike. I really believe that good deeds do get rewarded and so I wanted to make sure that all the cards were stacked in my favor, just in case I ever needed it down the road with my own pets. She was really persistent about paying me something but I was equally as persistent in refusing. I mean he was really no trouble at all. Besides the food I fed him I didn’t have to do anything differently with him then I did with my own two dogs.

To this day I think about Cooper often. I just can’t come to call him Klondike cause its so cliché. I think that those are the little things that just make me who I am. Just the other night I was driving home and I saw a little white poodle out running loose down a sidewalk along a busy road. I instantly stopped and pulled off the road and even thought it was raining  pretty hard,  I got out of my car and tried to coax this dog to me with some treats, because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to it. Someone in one of the houses near came out and told me that it was their dog as this coaxing was going on. They seemed pretty aloof to the fact that the dog was out running loose without any sort of supervision, and said that it always stays close to the house and or the sidewalk. I told that them that working in the vet field for as long as I have, I have seen so many dogs come in dead or injured because owners thought that exact same thing. It’s that sort of attitude that drives me nuts. If I had gotten that little dog to come to me, I would have spent my own free time to knock on a few doors to see if anyone owned him, before just taking him home and doing the exact same thing with it as I did with Cooper. It’s just the kind of person that I am, I’m a rescuer.  And honestly I am just trying to build up all the good karma points I can in the dog world just in case someday something should happen to Morgan, so I’ll have plenty to cash in.  Let’s hope that I’ll never have to use them but I have faith that I will get rewarded if the time ever does come. 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Free to leave the country as I please.

I received my passport in the mail today. It was a sigh of relief because although I was not worried about getting it I did need it to travel in a month so its nice knowing that I’m all set in that regard.   It’s nice to know that I have the freedom to be able to go somewhere, anywhere now in the world with just the drop of a hat. OK well I mean I know some places require things like visa and sorts oh and usually some sort of money.. But yeah you know what I mean right? If that money thing magically appears and traveling becomes a real possibility I’m so stoked to be able to have it already in my hand.

So I think it is important to mention that this is the first passport I have had in my adult life. I had one when I was a kid and my kid passport got a ton of use. I had stamps form all sorts of places like Mexico, New Zealand, and Japan just to name a few.  I have no clue what happened to that childhood passport. I’m fairly sure that I lost It., because as a teenager I wasn’t the most responsible person ever.  I wish that I hadn’t cause It would be nice to go back and look at the stamps now from all the cool places I have been.  The reason for the passport now is because I am taking vacation for the first time in my adult life and going to spend 11 days in Guatemala visiting family. I am so super excited about this trip, not just because it’s seriously the first time I have had the chance to take vacation in forever. But also because it’s the first time leaving the country, no I shouldn’t say that I have been to both Mexico and Canada, ok the first time going outside of North America as adult.  I’m excited also because I was lucky enough to have my trip given to me as a very nice gift from both my aunt and my mom. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t get to have this opportunity because of  the fact that I just don’t have that kind of extra money to spend on trips and my work doesn’t allow me a lot of last minute travel  so I could keep costs down lower.

 Now that the whole passport thing has arrived I can get it into my head that this trip is really going to happen and start to plan some things to do.  I have to start boning up on cool places to visit in Guatemala so I can get the very most out of the whole experience.  I can’t wait to go. I can’t wait to get to see another side of the world and culture that are unlike my own. I am so excited to travel as an adult and have a maturity and acceptance you don’t get when you’re a kid.  I am so thankful that I have people who were able to give me this amazing opportunity and for that I am so very very thankful.  Tonight I am going to try to get in touch with some people down that way. Maybe see about maybe doing a day or two at an animal rescue center. Try to see some ancient ruins of cultures that no longer exist. Begin to gather a lot of reading material for the plane ride, even though I’m sure I’ll sleep the whole way because flying makes me sleepy. I’ve got to start figuring out what kind of clothes I’ll need to pack for the climate down there.  Oh and figure out what to do with all the pets when I’m gone for that long. Basically I need to start planning. Like I said  before, because I still didn’t have this passport I wasn’t willing to plan for the trip in case some sort of travel jinxing might happen and I would get denied it.  But now I have to throw myself into it because my departure day is just about a month away. Exciting!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

In a funk today

Sometimes I get in this funk where it seems like all the people around me are way happy and I am just so not. I know that this is my own perception of a very false reality, but I can’t help when these feeling pop into my brain and take over. They just come on suddenly and it’s like so crippling, and makes me not want to do anything to relieve them. I don’t know if its laziness, or just knowing that if I find a way to make them go away this time they’ll just come back again, so I don’t bother trying.  Maybe this is what people consider depression.  I have never considered myself a depressed person. No I think depression is much much worse then this. I think I wish it could be depression, so that I could consider it a real issue. Instead I think it’s just that I just don’t think I have found my real source of happiness yet.  I still can’t seem to let go of this feeling that I am just on the peak of figuring it out and being able to experience it.  Like happiness is so close to me, just that arms reach away, and yet my arms are just not quite long enough to reach out and grab on to it.  I don’t know maybe this is what makes me so dumb.

I mean I know that you are all thinking… what am I waiting for? The truth and what my real problem is, is that I can’t figure out what is going to make me truly happy. I mean I know that people always reflect on their lives at some point and say that it’s the little things, the simple things, and the unexpected things that made their life worth while. Maybe I have to be on my death bed to really appreciate all that I have, and be satisfied with it, and maybe even happy about it.  I’m honestly happy at times during my days. I mean today I took a nap on the couch and when I woke up two hours later all the cats were on top of me as well as my dog. Just having that simple closeness with something that loves me so much and unconditionally, it’s so innocent and simple. It was truly a very happy thing to get to have, but I‘m sad that I only get to have this from my pets. 

Its not that I am not happy with what my life has become. It’s just that I think that these moments that I feel this happiness are then just as quickly replaced. I love doing all the activities I do, and when I am actively participating in them I‘m happy as a clam. But then I  come home to my empty apartment and when I go  online I end up reading about the other peoples happiness in their face book posts, blog,  or whatever.  I’m lonely too I think. It’s been awhile since I have even tried to make a new friend or have a date. That’s another issue I’m having right now. And because I’m lonely, I’m unmotivated to want to go do anything, even though I know that the only way to cure this loneliness is getting out and finding things to do and people to do them with.  Instead I just feel so sucked out. It’s hard to for me to want to do anything except stay here and try to get another little random moment of happiness with my random pets at home. Especially causes those random moments seem to be all I get right now.

I know this is just a funk. I know that it’s caused by the fact that I had a kind of bad week and I had nothing to go out and do today. I wanted to go to the zoo but it’s raining hard enough where I won’t because I don’t want to get sick more then I want to go to the zoo. I know that being super broke isn’t helping my mood either. I am taking a very large trip next month and I am trying very hard to save everything for that. I know that I am also having my “monthly gift” (if you could call it that more like really annoying gift that takes four days to go away) so I’m sure that’s not helping with my emotional state either.  I really do know that I am just feeling sorry for myself.  It’s going to pass and heck maybe later today I’ll randomly run into something that will change the whole perspective of my life and suddenly this whole post will seem so very far away. That’s the thing about life; it can change in an instant, and drastically. You just have to be open to it changing. Right now I am very open for it changing as long as it is for the better.  So sorry for making this all whiney but it’s what I sat down and wrote about today.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I was mean today

I had a really bad day today. Sometime you get to see a side of your personality that you truly find detestable. I got to see that side of myself today. I can be a really mean person. I sometimes say things to other people that are not nice and I should never say to anyone out loud. I woke up feeling really emotional and I think that by the time the day was done I had been pushed over that edge I I stopped caring who I hurt in the process.  I’m left now just feeling guilty for not censoring myself better and not letting my feeling reel so out of control.  Its hard to feel that way sometimes. I’m sorry for being mean to anyone who I was mean to today.  I swear that I’m going to try to make it up to you. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Being broke

Being broke sucks... I mean I know that if you asked anyone that they would readily if not eagerly agree. But what suck even a tad bit more for me is when you’re just barely broke enough to like kind of not be. I make just enough to live off. It’s not a ton but it’s doable. I have worked hard to pay of almost all my debts. Such as student loans, the car, and am only down to paying off one larger credit card balance. It’s been a tough thing to do and a lot of the time it was because I took a second job or watched the twins on my days off. The problem is that now that I don’t have that second job, and I have instead decided to spend my free time volunteering instead of working, I am pretty much just getting by.  It’s been working out ok for the last few months. I mean I pay all my bills on time and sometimes have a little bit to be able to do some sort of fun things with friends or my little sister. I do end up spending a lot on gas because I am retarded and seem to find places to both work and volunteer at far away from my house. The problem I run into is that I have such a hard time putting anything into saving. But I do because I know that you have to have that rainy day fund for emergencies. The problem is that I tend to have more emergencies then the fund will allow for.

In the last three months I have had over a1000 dollars bill for my very sick cat to pay at my own work, I have 500 for the awesome orthotics that I needed, I ended up with a 400 dollar bill for that lame trip to the emergency room for that dumb foot accident a few weeks back, Oh and I have about 200 to pay the dentist ( I have stupid fast growing tarter and I require four time a year cleanings of it becomes a much worse problem), and I have already this year spend almost 300 in co-pays alone and its just March.  I also have car insurance that’s due next month I try to do 6 months at a time oh and all my normal bills to pay like rent and utilities. It’s all so much more then I could ever budget for and so my question is what do you do then?

I mean I am doing all that I can do.  I took my whole last paycheck and paid at least half of all those medical bills. I am having my work take out money from my paycheck each time to cover my cat’s bill, I have canceled all the stuff I can (bye bye Netflix). I have scaled down all the plans to the lowest I think I can manage. I even tried to get a roommate but that ended disaster when he randomly took off while I was at work and didn’t pay me anything, instead costing me more then I could ever have imagined.  I am taking a ton of extra house sitting gigs, so many right now that I pretty much don’t have a free day in the whole month of April. I try to jump at the chance to work an extra day, even if it means I can’t show up at one of my volunteer places and therefore making me a less reliable volunteer.   It’s just frustrating…and I know, everyone has been here and done that at some point of their life. I just hate the mind numbingness of having to constantly budget and count every penny, every day, day after day after day.  In hind sight I mean maybe I shouldn’t have gone to the podiatrist, but then I would still be having foot issues that might become much worse if not treated. I could have just stop going to the dentist but then I would have much worse mouth and tooth issues. I really do feel that I am trying to be the absolute healthiest I can be here because I want to make sure that I can be around for as long as possible.

 I don’t ever dream of shopping, buying random junk, partying up with friends at bars or anything like that. I dream of taking trips, of the freedom to drive across the state to visit my best friend, because she is pregnant and I miss her like crazy, and wish I could watch her unborn baby move around in her belly. I dream that I could paint the wall of my bedroom a dark color even if I am planning to just live here a few more months and would just have to paint it back to boring white, I dream of being able to break my lease and move into a 3 bedroom house (without having to borrow money from my mom) and starting the foster parent process sooner. I dream of being able to see every awesome concert, even the random festivals all around the place without a moment hesitation about the costs, and getting those tickets the second they are announced.  I dream of being able to take random classes about random topics, that interest me just to fill my time like cake decorating or knitting. I dream of being able to take my little sister or my nieces to really awesome places like skiing or museums.  That’s how I would spend my money if I had it.

Instead I am going to sit here and hang out online, watch the random 20 television channels I do have, and if I can’t find anything good to watch I’ll maybe download something from the web. I am going to try to make the pets entertain me maybe I’ll let all the turtles run around the place and tweak out the cats,  that’s always a good time.  Oh and Go to the gym as much as possible because I do still want to try to squeeze the ability to pay that every month again cause its for my health.  I know that I’m just feeling sorry for myself and I know that it could be so much worse but yesterday I  couldn’t afford to get one of the medicines that I was recommended to use because it was almost 50 bucks and right now I don’t have it.  I left the doctors office in tears because I hate having to make those choices. I mean I am working so hard to try to get my health all under control and take care of myself, so I can be around to do all these things I dream about in the future. But it’s frustrating because it’s like you take 2 steps forward and then have to take one step back. I guess I will have to wait a month until I can start the meds because that the next time I’ll have that extra fifty to spend on them. Its just hard when your in this place where you make too much to like be considered poor but not quite enough to not be considered anything else but poor.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pigeons, seabirds, and another bear.

I was at the wild life center today and I’ll admit it was a fairly slow wildlife day. It’s weird cause its spring time and in spring we are supposed to have a bunch of babies who need to be taken care of. But so far this year we have only gotten a rare call or two about babies, but none have been dropped off yet. Once the babies arrive we get a ton more insane, because depending on the species, some have to be tube fed every half hour.  We have had a fair amount of releases in the last two weeks and many of our long time animals have been set free again.  There have been a few tragedies as well. My favorite little flying squirrel with a head tilt started to develop leg swelling and had to be euthanized.  Its sad when its cases like that where he hung out for almost two months and seemed to be improving, then suddenly takes such a turn for the worst.
Here is the little guy all nestled up in his nest.  Sad that he didn't make it.
The main thing that I had to do today was to clean out the room with all the pigeons. We have now moved the not so baby pigeons in with the other adult pigeons, so it’s like 10 birds all together. Needless to say they make a huge mess and having to clean them took me a long time.  I was endlessly sweeping to the point were I seriously have a blister in the middle of my palm.  it’s a great sign though that all the bird are in together, it means that they are all very close to being released. It’s like the last step before release day, so hopefully later in the week or next, they will all be back in the wild thriving.  I tried to take as many pictures as I could while I was cleaning them today. They are kind of cute and honestly I’ll miss the little guys when they are gone.

In other wildlife news today we were all a buzz about the recent arrival of our 7th bear cub, a female Black Bear cub from Oregon. The cub was captured on March 10 after she was spotted wandering around the town of Central Point, with her mother nowhere in sight. Although she appears to be over a year old, the cub has had a rough first year. She was very weak when captured, weighing in barely over 10 pounds and completely emaciated.The cub spent nine days in the care of the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife and was examined by a veterinarian. She had no injuries, but her blood work showed that she was suffering from severe anemia. She was fed and kept comfortable, and by the time she arrived at the wildlife center she had begun to perk up a little. She huffed and smacked her lips at them,  as they transferred her from her transport carrier to one of the large bear enclosures. It was meant to be a threat display, but it was almost comical coming from such a tiny little bear everyone said.

this picture makes her look brown but she is really almost black.
Today they captured her and were able to do a pretty through exam without having to knock her out. That's a very bad thing cause it means that she is weak enough that she has no fight in her. Not a great sign for a one year old bear cub.  I got to stand in the doorway as that exam was going on. It was way awesome because that’s the closest I have been to a real live bear, well without something like a huge plane of glass or it being unconscious before. She is soooo tiny and skinny, poor thing. It’s amazing that a bear over a year old can fit in a tiny dog crate. I bet this cub and my dog could totally share the same kennel. Well expect for the whole being a bear part and probably wanting to eat my dog.

her exam... she was so weak that they didn't even need to drug her.

Hopefully after a week or so of being here in an enclosure alone she can be healthy enough to join the other 6 bears that we also have at the moment. We have 3 males and 3 females that have been with us a couple for over a year now. In the wild cubs stay with their moms for the first 2 years so sometimes it takes that long until they are healthy and smart enough to be able to be released and live successfully in the wild.  I hear that there is talk of maybe releasing two of the cubs in summer but I don’t know if that has been decided for sure yet.

The other things that we had going on were a few sea bird with various injuries. Nothing major and hopefully they will all be able to recover soon. They are getting tube fed every few hours and both get to have a few hours in water to swim and the rest of the time in a netted cage that's dry.   I honestly didn't do very much with them except move one from the water tank to the non-water tank using a sheet and a net.  Anyways that was the highlight of my day a few random birds, a whole lot of pigeons and a  tiny little bear. Since its now spring everything is getting much more green and leafy, all the  wild birds are out and about,  it’s so pretty and chipper sounding. I love getting to be outside with it all because it’s so natural and such. It makes me really happy.

this is the one I moved.

This was the other cool bird there today.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A crazy thing happened at lunch the other day

I saw this crazy accident on Friday.   It’s taken me a few days to be able to write about it because it was such a bad accident and I didn’t want to relive the whole thing trying to get it down here.  The images in my mind have been burned in though so I guess I can’t do anything else but write about them now.   So here’s what happened.

I was on my lunch hour at work and was waiting at a left turn light in my car.  I needed to go to the bank since it was payday that day. I was just sitting there, waiting for the light to change on a fairly busy street.  There were cars parked along the side of the building on the block in front of me that I was facing, and able to look at completely. You know like in the lanes going the opposite directions… Also there was a delivery truck that was waiting to take a turn at the intersection also in the lane going the opposite direction as me. But because I was in a turn lane I was able to see the parked cars on the side of the road unobstructed.  My light turned to a green arrow and I started to pull into the intersection, when all of the sudden, a car door opened from one of the parked cars on the side of the street, and it just happened to open at the exact same moment a biker was right next to the car zooming down the road.  The biker hit the tip of the open door and it caused them to flip totally over the handlebars of the bike and fly about five feet into the intersection and land on her head/face. It all happened so fast and literally right at the same moment I have started to move into that same intersection.  I instantly pulled forward, instead of turning, and pulled up right next to the fallen biker instead. The woman who was in the parked car had already gotten out and was sitting next to the biker and I asked if they were ok. She said no she’s unconscious. I jumped out of my car and said something about how I am in the medical field and took control of the situation.

 I started to talk and rub the fallen woman. She had this super horrible gash on her head that was causing a huge pool of blood to run on the street. I told the other woman that I had some towels in my car and to go get them. I started to try getting the biker to talk. I was able to feel a pulse and she was taking really steady breaths, so I figured she was just really shocky and had a massive concussion. When the came back with the towels I placed them under her cut up head so that it was a little better supported, but without having her change positions.  I also had someone get some of the extra sweat shirts and hoodies I have in the car so that we could cover her up a little bit more trying to keep her as warm as possible. By this time more people were gathering around and someone had called 911. The biker had also started to rouse a little and was able to say that her name was Mel. She was pretty out of it but she seemed get more and more aware as the minutes went by.  She did have a back pack on and the man in the delivery truck was going through it to see if she had a cell phone for emergency contacts or an I D card just until the paramedics could get there.

Let me tell you, Mel looked like total shit.  She had a huge bloody gash on the top of her head. She was wearing a helmet but I think the way she landed caused it to come off on the impact. She had a bad gash on her cheek and chin and a possible a broken tooth or two. Her elbow was hanging out in a very not so great angle so it was obviously at the very least dislocated if not worse.  She had blood seeping through on of the legs of her pants so I’m sure she has cuts underneath them on her legs. I have never seen some one launch as far as I saw her go. She seriously must have flown five feet if not even more.  It was pretty intense all in all.

The good thing was that Mel was starting to talk a lot more. She was still pretty out of it but we had gotten her last name out of her, also that she was heading to work, and her place of employment. She kept asking what had happened and where she was. She was also able to say what parts of her hurt the most and it seemed like her head, knee and elbow were the brunt of the pain.  This whole time I was lying down in the road with her just talking nicely and softly and trying to make it as calm as possible. Right around this time the police finally got there and the paramedics took over.  Once the paramedics came all I had left to do was stand there and watch. The were quickly able to get her accessed and loaded up and almost immediately placed an IV and started fluids cause she was indeed shocky. 

I gave the police officer my statement he got my information.  He talked in length to the woman who was in the car, who by this time had totally started to break down herself.  She was in her mid fifties and was just heading the laundry mat to do her laundry. She had been holding it together I think for the sake of Mel, but as soon as Mel got loaded into the ambulance this poor woman couldn’t do it any longer.   I felt so bad for her, because she was very open and honest that she didn’t even look before she opened the door. She felt very very responsible.  It was nice to see that the cop who was in charge of the case seemed to genuinely think that it was just a fluke accident, and took a little extra time to comfort this poor woman as well. He said that he really just thought the whole thing was crappy timing and wasn’t going to give her any sort of citation for her actions. He thought that Mel maybe could have been going a little fast as well; because of how hard she hit the car (hard enough to make a dent) and also because of how far she flew. He also said that because the delivery truck was right next tot the parked car the biker was most likely outside the bike lane a little. He really just thought the whole thing truly was just a horribly timed accident. 

As I got back into my car and headed back to work 45 minutes later.  Not going to the back or getting anything for lunch, because honestly at this point I just wanted to get out of my car.  I reflected about how proud I was that I was able to keep calm and collected. I was able to take charge and get people focused on what needed to be done without freaking out. I also thought it was so funny that I yelled out about being a nurse or doctor or in the medical something with out any sort of hesitation. So what if it’s for animals really,  the principals are obviously the same right? I have since called the hospital that they took Mel to and they say that she is in serious but stable condition.  Well that was as of yesterday, so hopefully today she is even better. i should give them a call and find out. I'm going to as soon as I finish typing this for you all. I really hope that she will have no permanent injuries. Something like this could happen to anyone and it makes me realize how fast life can change from one thing to another.  It’s a weird thing to think about really, I mean in the city of Seattle you have to park on the side of the street a million times, and many times I also have not really thought to look behind me for a biker as I open the door to get out.  This could have just as easily been me in that position. It was a crazy lesson to have learned.  I think that from now on I definitely will always take that quick glance back.

I just want to end this by saying that even though I am not a religious person,  I hope that all of you who are can add a little prayer to Mel in hoping that she recovers fully and quickly.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

being annoyed with Anita

Sometimes I tend to be a very judgmental person. I know that its one of my faults and unfortunately one of the huge downsides to my personality. The problem is that I seem to be able to justify this judgmentalness a lot of the time, and so I make more light of it then I probably should. I think it’s just because I place really high expectations on myself, so it’s hard for me to find patience in others who might not have those same expectations in place. Then I pretty much just give up on them instead of wanting to find out what their positives facets may actually be. I had this happen recently at the wildlife place with a fellow volunteer named Anita.

Anita showed up a few weeks ago on my Tuesday morning shift. It was the week that I had cut my foot, I had been in contact with the director of the place saying that I still wanted to work my shift but I would have to take it a little easier and not do some of the tasks that are expected of me. They told me that I should do as little as I was able, they totally understood, and that I didn’t have to come in if I didn’t want to. I was like no; I want to, I’ll just take it easy. Anyways Anita showed up that same week. She said that she had been volunteering for the last few months and was doing three days a week to try to become one of the senior volunteer. In order to become a senior you have to have completer 120 hours of time. Basically if you do the once a week shift like I do its roughly 6 months. She wanted to try to bypass this by doing more hours each week. She seemed nice enough and at first I was glad to have a little more help. Me and Maureen had been doing this shift alone which is great went its slow but in spring and the babies arrive its going to get insane with just two of us. What started my bad impression of Anita was that when we were having our early morning start meeting with the rehabbers and I was telling them all about my injury. She totally interrupted to inform us all that she has a major back issue and was unable to lift, bend, carry, or heck even walk up hill. Basically most of the things that you are expected to have to do when being a volunteer at a wild life rehab place.  I was kind of like WTF? why would you pick a place to volunteer at that is very very physical, knowing that you have a back injury that prevents you from completing the tasks required, and much less work three shifts a week at it. It was kind of strange, and it instantly rubbed me the wrong way.

Anita is in her late 40’s, she has an older son who is out of the house, and she has been out of work for almost a year.  She is also kind of slow… I know that sounds really horrible but it just seems like her brain isn’t able to comprehend as quickly as other’s are, so she struggled at very simple tasks.  She wasn’t willing to listen to anything that I or Maureen would say to her and instantly went to the rehabber with her questions instead of us. It was almost as if she didn’t trust us to know something she might not have. I wish that I could have said she is a hard worker but she isn’t. She is also kind of rude to me and the rehabbers. And the thing that annoys me the very most is that she will drop what she is doing just to try to see everything exciting and fun. She isn’t there to complete in the process, not understanding that you have to sometimes earn that right to be involved in the cool stuff, not just force your way in. And because of this behavior she wouldn’t care that by her doing that made the rest of us have to pick up those tasks she abandoned.  She quickly got on both my and Maureen’s nerves and so we tried our best to just avoid her and luckily most of the work there is independent, so it was fairly easy to do.

I mean I always tried to act nice to her and ask her about her life, so over the last few weeks I have learned a lot about her hopes and dreams. She said that she was in college to do wildlife work and dropped out to get married and have her son. She was then a stay at home mom for many years and eventually went back to an administrative job. She was really excited to be back in her one true love of wildlife rehab. She was looking hard for a new job and hoping that if she found one she would still be able to have the time to volunteer. I started to feel kind of bad for her, because even as annoying she was at least her heart was in the right place, and maybe she just is clueless about her crappy behavior. I vowed to try to be a little more patience and try to just be nicer to her and not so quickly annoyed. I figured that I would make a little more effort to be nice and maybe teach her some of the things that I am lucky to be able to pick up quickly.  I felt good about making this decision. I mean ultimately both of us are there for the same reasons, and all we are doing is giving our time to a place we all believe in. So I came in today with a renewed attitude. 

Imagine my surprise when she didn’t show up this morning.  I figured that she got a job or something and was no longer able to do the Tuesday morning shifts anymore. But as I went about the tasks that needed to be done today I noticed that she wasn’t on the schedule any of the days anymore.  I didn’t think a lot about it until I drove home and then I started to feel really bad. I mean I hope that she didn’t annoy everyone and get “fired”, well I mean as fired as you can get when you’re a volunteer. I know that the rehabbers were frustrated with her just as much as I was. It was hard for me to have to deal with her just once a week where they had to do three times weekly. I know that hey worried because when the spring babies arrive you really have to handle a lot of tasks independently and it gets really really insane. I know that there was talk that she wouldn’t be able to handle that.  I truly feel really bad if they let her go though, because like I said I know her heart is in the right place. And honestly I do think that she was finally doing something she loved and unfortunately maybe this thing that she loved wasn’t her strongest suit. It’s hard when you have larger dreams to aspire to then what you might ever be capable of achieving in. I also feel bad that I couldn’t have just been less judgmental, maybe a little bit nicer, and take some time out to help her instead of just writing her off.  Anyway I hope that maybe I’m totally wrong about the situation and she did just get a job that isn’t able to allow her to volunteer right now.  I hope that she is happy is whatever she is doing. I mean just cause I didn’t like her doesn’t mean that I want her to be miserable either.

None the less I am going to take away this lesson from the Anita situation. I am going to remember that some tasks come really easy for me but remember that is not the same for everyone. I am going to give people the benefit of the doubt first and foremost. And I am going to throw away the expectations I have for myself as being what everyone else has to live up to, and stop writing them off so quickly when they don’t.  I really need to work on that in the future. it’s a really bad flaw to who I am, and honestly makes me kinda  ugly where I am so not such a ugly person in whole.  So I am really going to try to be a bigger person from now on and grow in my adulthood more positively. So from now on I am going to live by these principals whenever I meet new people in any sort of situations I come across.

Monday, March 14, 2011


So my first real friend was named Katie. We were those kind of forced into friendship because our parents were friends so we had to be by default. The story went that when we were babies out moms met at the library and just instantly bonded. We were only months apart so they started to make dates to meet up and have play dates with the two of us.  Therefore we became friends.  I remember doing a lot of things with her and her family. Katie and I never attended the same school or played on the same teams or really did any of the daily activities together. Wait one year she and I both took dance classes from the same place because I have a picture of us together at the recital but I don’t think we were in the same kind of  dance class.

Katie had a great family. Her father was a hard worker and most of the time he was at work, but I remember him coming home and always being nice but quite. Her Mother was amazing she was an artist. She was the kind of mom you seemed to be able to tell anything to and would bring you snacks and make lemonade. She had a little brother who we would of course pick on a ton but he was a pretty good kid really. I think that my brother got stuck having to hang out with her little brother a ton when our families would hang out and I always knew how annoying that was to my brother.  But Katie’s family was the family that would always do fun things outdoors. They would go camping, hiking, swimming, sailing… All the cool things you wanted to do as a kid. The were also very artistic so we would make a lot of fun things at her house like drawing, painting and make up elaborate stories to act out for our parents.  She was truly my best friend. I loved going to her house to spend the night.

 I used to steal things from Katie. She used to have this huge drawer in the bathroom of hair clips and barrettes and super cute girly things that my mom never would bye for me and I was always super envious of. I used to take them from her, but I would do it slowly one piece at a time where I thought that they never knew. I remember being over one day and knowing that Katie caught me taking things and so I gave them back. I remember that she had a private conversation with her mom and I knew even at like 9 years old exactly what that talk was about. The thing about it is that they were that kind of family to have never confronted me about it. To this day I am not sure if they ever told my mom about it or if they just let it go. But that was the last time I stole stuff from her. We stayed really close until I turned 10 and then I moved across town, far enough away where or visits stopped being once a week and more once every few months.  I remember writing letters to her a lot after the move. I was pretty unhappy with my new life and so I would make up elaborate stories of totally untruthful things ( such as being lock in a school bathroom over night..  Yeah right!) just trying to mask this huge unhappiness I had.  For some reason with Katie and her family I always felt second best.  I always thought of my self as not deserving or worth having them like me or care about me, and so I always felt as though I had something to prove showing them all that I did deserve it.   We were able to still stay friends even after I moved and would still get the chance to take crazy trips to wonderful places.  But we started to drift as we hit middle school. I mean that’s what starts to happens when you don’t see someone daily.  She seemed to find this great life with school friends and activities while I still struggled to find where I fit in and had a ton of crappy family junk occur. I started to feel some resentment about how easy it all seemed for her while I was stuck struggling so hard. 

When I was 12 years old I remember taking a hike out at Mont Rainer with her family. It was an all day trip and just a few days before I had found out that my father was sick.   I was kind of roaming around a little behind them and all of the sudden it kind hit me the reality of my situation with my family. I started to cry. I mean because I was with them I tried my best to hide it, but still tears rolled down my cheeks and I’m sure I was visibly upset. What was weird looking back on that day was that nowhere along this hike did any of them come up to me and ask if I was ok, or all right, or why I was upset.  They just gave me space and pretended nothing was wrong.  At the moment I was grateful, but looking back I think WTF. I mean why didn’t they ask me what was up? Well what I found out a year or so later was that they already knew what was up.  See I didn’t find out about my father illness until after some of the key people in my life already knew. My best friend and her family knew that my dad was dying long before I even got told. For a 13 year old it made me really bitter and felt a lot of resentment towards both my parents and her family for the way this information got kept from me.  I mean shouldn’t a kid know about that key piece of her life before anyone else?  So now I understand why everyone just gave me a wide berth and let me cry that day.

That wasn’t the one thing that ended our friendship though; I think ultimately we just drifted.  I mean looking back I’m not surprised by it because that’s kind of what I feel like you would expect from two kids thrown into friendship by there parents random meeting. I think that during high school she came up to my area once for a birthday dinner and we made small talk, shared stories about our life. But the problem for me was by the time that my dad got sick I lost a huge part of who I was. My life changed so much at that moment and I think I became a little bit of shell of who I used to be or heck even wanted to be. I stopped putting a lot of effort into much in terms of our friendship and she I guess felt like doing the same. Neither of us fought for our friendship anymore and so it ended. What else was it to do?

She went out of state for college, became a doctor, got married and eventually moved back to the area. My mom still meets with her mom every few months just to catch up. Every once and awhile she asks if I want her to get Katie’s email address or something so I can contact her.  I always say no. I have no clue what I would say to her now; I have no clue if we would have anything in common. And I guess if I was going to be super honest with myself, I am still a litter upset that she gave up on our friendship just as much as I did. She could get my email from her mom and send me that first letter but hasn’t either.  I think it’s easy for me to walk away from people. To just say ok we drifted it happens and move on without a thought. Maybe I need to suck up my stupid pride and drop the dumb childhood expectations and just send her a letter. Maybe we’ll find a way to connect as adults. Maybe we would find that we have a ton in common. Maybe I’m being too stubborn to see that I have a great opportunity in front of me and retarded to not take it.  But maybe the part of me, that has always felt second best with Katie, is afraid that reaching out and making that step, that could crush me when all those feeling come flooding back. Maybe I really am letting my worthlessness make my decisions for me. Maybe those are the demons I have fight now.  So who knows I think that part of me revisiting my past and trying to grow from my mistakes is going to mean writing that email and just seeing what happens.We'll see.. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to commit to that yet. But I'm willing to think about what that letter is going to say and go from there.

Friday, March 11, 2011

this is not my story, but I think it could very well be....

This isn't written by me but its about one of the animals I have helped to take care of at the wildlife center. I thought i would share his story for you all. Its moments like these that remind me how sometimes just being a kind person and taking a second to stop can ends up meaning so much more.  I hope that I will always be like this woman and the result will be a full life ahead.  Enjoy....

As a woman named Beth drove along N 45th Street in Seattle On February 22, she and her two young sons noticed a gull walking in the road ahead. As they drew closer they saw that something was very odd about the bird. His head was turned to the left and he was moving it awkwardly as if it were stuck to his left wing. Preoccupied with his struggle, the bird was unaware of his surroundings and he was wandering in traffic. Recognizing the grave danger he was in, Beth immediately parked her car and rushed to the bird's aid.

When Beth approached the gull he attempted to run away. A concerned passer-by cut off his escape, allowing Beth to safely capture the bird. Up close she could see the source of the gull's distress. A large fishing lure was attached to the bird. A treble hook on the front of the lure appeared to be embedded in the gull’s left eye, while a second hook on the tail of the lure was attached to the bird's wing. He could move neither his head nor his wing without putting tension on the hooks and causing himself great pain. Beth placed the gull in a box and transported him to the Wildlife Center for help.

At the center A wildlife rehabilitator admitted the gull and performed his intake examination. They used a pair of wire cutters to clip the hooks off of the lure and free up the bird's head. Because of the embedded hook, we were unable to see the gull's left eye, but it did not look very promising. Two of the treble hook's barbed points were sticking out through the bottom eyelid. The third barb was embedded in the upper eyelid. It was difficult to imagine a way that the hook could have ended up in that position without badly damaging the eye itself. The hook in the wing was only attached by one of the three points, and it appeared to have caused only superficial damage. We provided the bird with fluids and placed him in a warm, dark cage to await assessment by the veterinary team.

The Veterinarian and Veterinary Technician anesthetized the gull to remove the hooks. The Doctor carefully clipped the barbed end off of each individual point on the treble hook that was embedded in the bird's eyelids and carefully extracted it. As the hook was removed and the eyelids parted, they were amazed to see a fully intact eye behind them. After placing a drop of staining agent in the gull's eye to check for scratches or abrasions and finding none, they then removed the hook from his wing. Despite his harrowing ordeal with the fishing lure, the gull appeared to have avoided any serious injuries. They prescribed antibiotics for the bird to ensure that he did not develop an infection as his wounds healed

When we checked on the gull the following day, he looked like a new bird. The lids of his left eye were scabbed and slightly swollen, but he was bright, alert and clearly seeing well out of that eye. He spent a few days in an inside enclosure while completing his antibiotics before being moved to a large, outdoor cage with a pool.

After just one week of care the gull was ready to return home, and I made arrangements to meet Beth and her sons on a Seattle beach so they could see the ultimate result of their caring actions. At 3:45 pm on March 2, the gull was set free at  a Seattle Park. One of Beth's sons opened the transport carrier's door and, after a short pause, the bird emerged. It was a very windy day, and the gull was pushed along by the wind as he walked about 20 yards to the water's edge. As we watched, he opened his wings and let the wind lift him about three feet into the air before refolding his wings and dropping back down to the sand. He did this twice more as if he was testing the air before launching himself skyward in earnest.

Facing into the wind, the gull climbed straight up until he was about 15 feet in the air. Then, with a few quick flaps of his wings he cruised up the beach passing directly over our heads. As Beth and her sons beamed up at the bird, I reminded them that it was their willingness to stop and help that had made this moment possible. I could tell from their awed looks and wide smiles as they watched him fly off into the distance that this was the best possible "thank you" the gull could have given them.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

digging in to some personal stuff.

Do you remember being a little kid? Well of course you do. Being little and watching a Disney movie and thinking inside that yes, this is how it happens, the whole finding your true love and falling in love stuff. It’s just like the Disney movies make it out to be. OK so then you grow older, like 12 or maybe 14 (if you’re a real romantic).  And you realize that no, this isn’t how it happens at all.  You don’t just fall in love instantly and happily ever after is not a real ending. You become more aware of the realities to each situation, you have taken the time to observe relationships around you, and you know that they take effort and work and time. But as much as every 12 or 13 year old girl won’t admit to this, they all still secretly still hope that the whole Disney love at first sight happily ever after scenarios do exist and adults are just unable to find there happy ending. 

OK so then you hit like your twenties. In your 20’s you have dated a bunch, some good some bad.  You have experienced heartaches, depression, and happiness, sometimes all three in the same hour.  You know all about the reality and maybe a small amount of bitterness is starting to edge its way into your soul and you just keep pushing it back and back and back pretending that it isn’t there.  You see people around you have good and bad relationships, you see love at first sight, and couples being friends first, and some just plain crappy relationship decisions being made. You start to think that Disney is only here to play up this false idea for little girls and sell merchandise to the world. You start to think you know what you want, and you’re only slightly worried that you might not get it.  Because right now life is still a huge oyster and you have endless amount of time ahead to get it.

It’s not until I hit my 30’s that’s I can look back and realize just how wrong I have been. And not about the Disney thing, or time thing,  but about the whole relationship thing completely. Disney movie ending can come true but sometimes they don’t as well. It’s not this black and white world that we live in where every one has the perfect relationship and love life.   I have spent a ton of time trying to find my perfect relationship and I have not come very close to getting it. I used to really think that it was something about the people I was attracted to or what I looked like that was the problem. I have followed a ton of various  dating rules and broke a bunch more.  I have done a ton of different route’s for dating,  internet, blind dates, friends first… And it always seems to end the same.  I have tried to just say screw it and be happy single and alone. And to an extent I am… Really… But I know in my heart I don’t want this to be it,  I don't want to be happy and alone. So I think its time for me to really try and figure out where I have gone wrong in my life with the relationships I have had, and in  all the relationships, friendships and boyfriends alike. I think one of my biggest problems in life has always been with making  real friends. I am fiercely loyal but for some reason I don’t really have many truly close friends. So that’s my plan I guess, I’m going to try to re evaluate my former relationships to see what happened and maybe that will give me some insight to fixing stuff in the future.

Things went really good in childhood for the most part,   I had just enough freedom and structure to instill in me morals and values that still are part of who I am today. But now that I am 32, I‘m not sure that I am still as happy as I was when I was 8, and honestly don’t really have a ton to show for my life if it were to end right now today.  So maybe I should also re-evaluate how I let my childhood happiness slip away. Maybe this isn’t going to do anything for me or maybe it will be Pandora’s Box opening up in my head that will show me a whole other way to be instead.

I wasn’t a cool kid; I was kind of dorky and outspoken.  I never really came into my own sense of who I was until I was like 25. I kind of rode on the tails of everyone else around me, my brother, my father, my best friend Kasia. You name it; I molded them into who I was until I never even knew I wasn’t them.  I wasn’t one of those 7 year olds who ever had boyfriends, or as much of a boyfriend a 7 year old can have. I was more the one to organized huge class wide imaginary adventures  at recess involving horses, unicorns and hunters. I had lots of friends who were boys but I never had any idea that I was suppose to consider them any different then my girl friends so I never did. I welcomed them into my life just as easily and equally.  I was a fairly innocent and happy kid. Well I pretended I was and I portrayed that to everyone around me. But this happiness wasn’t completely truthful.  I needed more drama maybe. I guess I needed to have attention and sought it out in very negative ways.

I can remember the first time I told a lie. I was in 2nd grade. I had this very close group of friends and we did what every 8 year old would do. We constantly changed who was the leader of the group, who was who‘s best friend, who we wanted out of the group for the day, but in the end we all stayed close 8 year old  friends.  I remember that I was at recess and I told a girl named Kelly that I had this watch that also had a calculator and phone on it,  and that it was really expensive, so I wasn’t allowed to take it out of the house.  That was it; I think that was the first time that I told something very blatantly not true. I don’t know what led up to that lie or why I felt the need to. Like I said before, I think that I needed to get attention in any form possible. I also don’t want you to think that this started a whole spiral into lying about everything. I just think that for some reason telling that little lie made something in my head open up and like every Pandora’s Box situations I got something positive from it.  And so wanted to keep getting it.

The problem is when you start to tell about things that don’t exists you have to prevent them from ever coming over because then they would want to see them. So in some ways you can never really become close friends with those people or they would know the truth. Maybe that is what first started me keeping people just at the surface.  Maybe that is what made me build these insane walls I have up. Hopefully I’ll figure it out. That’s my goal for now.. Like I said before this is just a chance for me to try to explore more into my own behaviors. But either way good or bad, this is the very roughest cut of who I am and how I got here.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

come on... really... again!

You are always told that if you do good things then good things will happen to you. I mean isn’t that something that every parent has told you at one point or another. Well that’s bullshit! I mean I have spent my adult life being a good person. I take care of other people more then I do myself sometimes and all that seems to happen is I end up getting screwed in the end. I don’t know what else to do and honestly I’m starting to feel that I should just stop doing good things for people all together.

It’s frustrating because there is this huge part of me that does still believe in fate doing what’s right. I mean bringing good things to those who deserve it. But my years of experience have seemed to do nothing else then show me how much waiting around for these good things suck! I am getting tired of all this waiting and doing  stuff , where the rewards seem to be super lackluster compared to the deed.  Recently I had another case where I am left feeling cheated by the universe and unsure what to do about it. I mean I don’t want to become this hard bitter unkind person, but at some point I feel like I have got to get some sort of positive vibe sent my way, just to show me that there is some other reason I am this way besides just cause I am. I’m tired of the hurt and the pain and the feelings of foolishness that come with being screwed over all the time. 

I have sat  for most of the day today alternating between anger and sadness that I am once again stuck being screwed for just having done this really amazing thing for someone else and totally unselfishly completely on my part. I don’t mean to build myself up as this “I’m so awesome and can’t do anything wrong person” So please don’t take this post as that. But I really truly do think that sometimes I am willing to go above and beyond for people. I don’t place expectations on them. I’m just willing to give people a chance where as most might not. I am that person who will come visit in someone’s darkest hour regardless of the cost I might incur as the result. And would drop anything the second someone asked me to without ever thinking twice about it. I am a good person. I really am. I am kind, and not judgmental, and loyal, and willing to give you my own arm if you needed it. I am the kind of person that people should strive to be like. One of these days I really need the universe to cut me a break and send some good karma my way as just a tiny reward for being like this. Because I gotta be honest universe… I’m starting to not want to be this way anymore and that would truly be a loss to the world. Because the world needs to have more people like me in it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Freaking out

The last few weeks I have had a very hard time not getting super wrapped up in my head. I have been kind of freaking out about this whole foster parent thing and it’s subsequently caused me to go reeling off in all these random directions. Sometimes I think about what I’m trying to do this year and just get totally overwhelmed by the whole thing. I mean what am I thinking that I might just one day have this kid that I have to be responsible for and nurture and love and feed and pay attention too. I mean what the hell am I thinking about getting into. And honestly during these freak out moments I realize just how not ready I might be for that kind of responsibility.

The other day as I was relaxing and watching a movie when I wasn’t feeling so great I suddenly thought “what if I had a 6 year old in the house, what would I be doing for it?” I figured that at that time of night I would be making it dinner, some kind of kid friendly food like chicken nuggets or something, and trying to find some sort of veggie that it wants to eat. After dinner we would probably play a game or color together until it was time for me to get it into the bath, and do bath time routine. Then we would get dressed for bed and probably read a few stories then it would sleep. At that point I would have to feed all the other critters in the house, and maybe take the dog for a walk. Wait can I take the dog out for a walk anymore if that means leaving the sleeping kid alone? hmmm I'm going to have to look into that. Anyways back to my imaginary foster child... The next morning I would have to wake up early enough to not just get myself ready for work, but also wake the kid up, feed it breakfast, dress it, make it lunch, and drop it off wherever it needs to go to spend the day (daycare or school) all before I have to leave for work myself. Oh and somewhere still fit in the whole walking the dog again stuff. Just thinking about those 12 hours made me kind of freaked. I mean that’s a huge life change and maybe I’m not really all the ready to do it. I mean I have a hard enough time sometimes making sure I eat three meals a day!

I think part of what started me thinking about this more was that I had recently joined a online foster parent organization and have spent the last few weeks really trying to get a feel for what fostering is. Its hard cause I mean when you are not directly involved in something, all you really can get a sense of is whatever parts they want to put out, and in most cases those parts are more the hard parts or the frustrating parts. A lot of these forums are about trying to get answers to the tough questions or situations; and where as I think these places are awesome and very much needed, I do think that until you have these situations in front of yourself, they are not very useful. So what it’s done instead for me is really highlight the challenges that foster parents face every day and how important having a strong support system is. My issue is that I don’t know if I really have all that in place. I mean I am single,  I live alone, I have work full time in order to live my sad alone life. I can pretty but bet that dating is going to be out the window as soon as I get a foster kid, cause where the heck am I going to find the time to do that.  I am thinking pretty seriously about needed to have a house to live in, so that I have a yard to throw the dog out to, so I don’t have to take it for the walks all the time. I also think that I need to have an extra room for all the crazy turtles, so that my foster kid doesn't drown in the huge pond they live in. But ya know moving is expensive, and I don’t make a ton of money. And honestly all the extra I make I want to have go into being a foster parent, because you have to get a bunch of random junk for kids even for those kids that aren’t even really yours.

So yeah see here I am thinking about all these huge life changing things I have to try to do in the next months and all I am reading about are these tough cases and kids and freaking out.  I figure  most people get to have 9 months to get ready for parenthood. At the bare minimum you have that whole pregnancy period  for your life to start changing and those sacrifices you make for your kids stuff to start. I mean for most people I know its at that point that they suddenly stop the bad vices, eat right, exercise, save money, get rid off all the junk in the spare room that’s going to be the baby’s room, buy a bunch of random stuff. All in this nine month period. Its like nine months of just pure preparation.  And yeah I get it its not like that’s a ton of time or anything and yeah you can never be fully prepared bla bla bla I get it.  But still you do have this ticking time bomb telling you exactly how long you have to make these necessary changes until that baby pops out.  I guess I feel like its going to be this huge sudden change for me like I'm going to have to suddenly go from sometimes skipping a meal or two, to having to make three meals a day 24/7.

Maybe its really just going to be way too much work for me to even try to take on right now. I mean part of me feels like I should just scrap the whole thing and just remain the crazy pet girl.  I could substitute foster kids for turtles or something.  I wish I knew someone who could just send me there kid for like a week and let me really see what raising a kid is all about. I wish that I could get a feeling for it. So I know what I’m getting into. But I guess like being pregnant you never really get to be fully prepared for kids weather you pop em out yourself or the state send them to you temporarily. I have to try to take it all just one step at a time. I mean I knew that this was going to be really super hard, but I have to try to remember why I want to do it in the first place. I know that it’s going to be a huge life changing decision, and that a lot of my life is going to modify. And that this luxury of coming home, and just sitting around doing nothing, is going to be a thing of the past. But I have to remember how taking those classes made me feel. That this was the only thing I was meant to be doing with my life, and that this was the path that was right for me. I have to remember that you will never really know what the future is going to bring, and all you can do is take baby steps towards a goal and hope for the best.  I mean if this is what I want to do, I just have to take the random steps and have a little faith in the universe that I’ll get it.  So I am going to take a deep breath, then un-join that crazy forum (because I really do think that until I have the foster kids, I do not need to spend my time just randomly reading all those crazy stories) and just continue to live, I guess that's really all I can do.  This month I am going to work really really hard to save as much money as I can to add to my "moving into a kid friendly house" by next January fund.  I just really want this to be something I thrive at and I guess part of me is scared that it may be too much, and then I won’t know what my path is. But being scared is part of life. It’s a raw human emotion that I honestly think means that you’re doing something right. I am going to accept this fear as a sign that this is indeed something I'm passionate about and want  more then anything, and  I'm going to live it and feel it and let it make me work my ass of to get it.  And hopefully, with time I'll be less freaked out by the whole thought.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Another day of rehab

I returned to my normal life today. I figured that I have recovered enough from my foot injury as well as my cold, to head out to the wildlife place for a morning of hard work.  It was a pretty routine day of rehab and most of the animals were pretty straightforward. The one thing I will mention is that I have a new volunteer who is driving me nuts, her name is Anita and she has worked with me the last two weeks.  But I'll save her story for another day.

We have been treating a mallard duck for a few weeks now,  that first came in because he was hit by a car and unable to stand.  During the last few weeks he is now able to not just stand but also swim and is starting to get much feistier so it’s been awesome seeing him recover.  He is making more and more progress every day and today I was the one able to tube feed him all by myself. The other long time case that is still hanging out is this baby barn owl that got caught up in a cars bike rack one night and has two broken wings. He is also showing lots of signs of recovering and has been able to fly for short distances and is starting to hunt and eat great. So he seems to also be recovering more each day as well.  Its nice to have a few of those cases that have been around long enough that I still get to have a part in it even though I come in once a week.

The other big news is that our baby pigeons are no longer babies anymore, now having all the adult feathers grown in and are soon to be released.  They are pretty crazy little birds and its unbelievable that they went from being as tiny as they were and getting tube fed every 2 hours, to the huge  almost adults they look like today.  They are showing a lot less signs of wanting human interaction and attention and now are becoming more fearful and reserved of me as I entered into the enclosure and cleaned it out. This is great because one of the fears the rehabbers had with these guys  a few weeks ago was that they would be too attached to the human side of life and not be able to successfully live in the wild.

Other animals hanging out were a very cool sea bird who I forget the name of that seems to be blind in one eye but they are hoping that his blindness will not prevent him from being able to survive. They have set him up with some various obstacles and live fish to make sure he is still able to hunt and swim around like he would in the wild. We have a few seagulls with various injuries that are still recovering. One came in with this huge hook stuck in the side of his head and today I was able to watch the surgery to remove it. Very cool. He should wake up and recover fully and be released in a day or two.  And finally our little sick aviary birds are still in quarantine and not yet showing signs of recovery so it’s still touch and go with them.

Well I know this was kind of a lame post, especially since it was my first in about a week. But it’s been a kinda slow day so far for me. I'm considering this a good thing having a slow day.  Maybe tomorrow when I head back to work I’ll have more exciting things to ramble about.