Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I have always wrestled with feelings of worthlessness. How do you know if you mean something or if your life actually matters? I mean I know that in terms of the universe my existence is pretty insignificant, but how about if I matter to the people around me on a day to day basis. I think that I do, but I have always had this wall that I can’t push past and say with confidence that yes I do.   I’ve always been very good at justifying these worthless feeling and allowing them to be a part of who I am and what I have become. I am easy to say things like “if you had some of the things happen to me then you would feel like this too” or “so many of the people who should show me how much I am worth have instead done the opposite” When I really sit and explore this whole worthlessness stuff, I know that I use those phrases as a crutch. I use the worthlessness thing as kind of crutch.  So what is worth exactly? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable and that commands esteem or respect, and merit. So how does my lack of worth really affect my life? I figure it kind of allows for two very specific things.

One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs  - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"

The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you.  Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.

Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily.  This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start.  So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job.  I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless.  I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything  and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise.  Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.

OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever.  I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might.  I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.

Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings.  “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”   With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.


  1. You are worth more to me than you think. I love you. Thanks for being my best friend, cause if you weren't, I wouldn't have any friends at all.

  2. Worth? Self-esteem? Being Loved? They say you have to first love thyself before you can true,ly find love but I have loved you from day one! It has not always been easy since in many ways we are not one the same, in our opinions or stage in life but believe me I have always prayed for your health and happiness. And I LOVE YOU with all my heart, and mind and soul. MOM