Wednesday, March 28, 2012

picking up extra shifts

I have been spending a large amount of my time recently working extra shifts at a different hospital. It has really thrown my whole schedule out of whack, but it’s been nice to get to go back to a day practice and do some of the tasks I have missed since working in emergency. I forget how much I like cleaning really gross heavy tarter of teeth or taking perfect dental x-rays like a pro.   Oh and getting the chance to lead and teach in a way that I seem to be unable to do in my current situation. It’s been a nice experience and the extra money is a much loved bonus. See each hour I have worked at this hospital its time and half because it’s for the same company. Pretty sweet deal right?

So with me doing all this extra work (and when I say extra work I mean two days a week extra, that’s 20+ hours more in addition to my normal 40+. Yes that mean 60+ hour weeks I have been working these last two months) Is that I never have the time to do anything else. I haven't been able to go do wildlife rehab in forever. I have stopped being able to see my friends at our weekly breakfast get together.  I haven't had time to even think about going on a date or even trying to meet someone who I'd want to date if I did have the time. I haven’t seen my little sister in almost a month. And don’t get me started on my own pets and house; I have dishes galore piled up and my poor cats once had to resort to eating some moldy veggies out of the trash to survive starvation! Well until they puked it all up a few hours later in my living room.  I have become a shitty pet owner who barely has the time to throw some food in their bowls, flip a few turtle lights on or off, and chuck a few hunks of kale into the tanks to be devoured. And let’s not even mention poor Morgan, who seems to spend more time in the kennel in the back of my car then in my house. Because see in addition to all this extra work at this other hospital I’m doing, I have also done this gigantic amount of house and pet sitting for other people’s animals. That’s the truly ironic part about this last month and a half; see as I have started to neglect my own animals more and more, I am working my ass off to care for other people’s awesomely instead. 

So yeah I suck. I know… But I find comfort in knowing that all this sucking is for a purpose and that purpose is going to make it all worthwhile in the future. Soon I am going be in a position to reveal some crazy life plans here with you all, and then you’ll also get to see that my actions are for a much better good.   I have some major life changes in the works and I am getting excited to share these with people and start the path to this new life I am planning. But until then (or at least for tonight), I am taking a night off; the first in a whole week where I have actually am able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle with the cats and dogs that I love more than anything. Tomorrow I am going to make the turtles a large meal of something special, hopefully making up for all my crappyness this last month.  And I’m going to enjoy being able to do nothing except catch up on my TiVo and write a very long overdue blog entry or two. I also have a great evening planned with my little sis hopefully being able to do something fun.  Oh and a sink full of dishes I must wash cause I’m out of spoons which isn't fun exactly but must get done nonetheless.

So yeah that’s what has been happening since I last posted here. I guess as my mom said to me just today, I am lucky to be young enough where all this work isn’t totally killing me and lucky that I am in a field where I get to have a job, much less one that I like and sometimes I get to get paid overtime to go out and do every day.  I guess in that regard I really can’t complain.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

undigging a hole

About a year ago I made a decision about something in my life that I thought was going to solve an issue I was having. I know that’s a pretty vague sentence and out of respect for the people involved I am not going to get into it in a public forum.  But I stuck to my guns because I though it was the best thing for me. This last month I have really come to realize that I am this extremely stubborn person. I have always known that I have a super hard shell around me and that I spend all this time building up these walls so people can’t see the soft vulnerable side of me. I know that I’m hard and sometime even kinda cold, but I never really though that I was stubborn. Turns out that I really am.

See here’s what happened to make me realize this. I recently had a moment where I was genuinely upset about this decision I made back in the day and more recently something occurred which was different because of that decision. It was those differences that really affected me. I moped around for a few days and honestly kinda played the victim which is something I never do as those who know me know. But suddenly I had this epiphany and it hit me that all I was doing was making myself kinda miserable. Nothing was being solved. No one was learning lesson. Heck honestly no one was even affected expect for me, and I wasn’t even happy anymore. I was miserable and sad and depressed that somehow my own actions have made it so that I was feeling this crappy. Why was I still holding on to this? Why couldn’t I just let it go and move on… Why was I being so freaking stubborn.

So now that I am coming to realize that I am this super stubborn person what do I do about it. I guess I have to try to forget about what it was that bothered me so much before. I have to be the bigger person and act like that the adult that I am. See people may never change how they are or what they do, but you are capable of changing how it affects you.  So I guess I am going to start the process of undigging my hole I have made for my self. I am going to try to move past those initial feelings and try to just forgive. So even though I have no clue how to go about making this first  step I'm going to figure it out.  See I have always prided myself in being this super kind and caring and loving person and this incident has made me everything but all those traits. It makes me sad that I have even let this last year go by allowing people to consider me anything but amazing, and  I don’t want anymore days to go by where that’s the case.  Tomorrow I start to try digging my way out.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The last day I really remember my father

Last week was the 19th anniversary of my father’s death. It’s weird that he has been dead so long and every year I remember less and less about him. I’m sure that’s what’s expected with those who have passed away and I know that some day I’ll just be left with random flashes of the first 14 years of memories involving him. Already I have forgotten the last day he was alive. I can’t remember anything that he said or did that day. I can’t think about seeing any sort of indication that it would be his last day because honestly I doubt that he even knew it would be. His death came fast and unexpected. Well as unexpected as someone who is dying can happen.  When I really think about it I don’t even remember much about the last months he was alive. The last big things that I remember about my dad were the days we spent in Hawaii. When I flash back to things I remember most it’s those few days I keep going back to.

We went to Hawaii because he always loved the ocean.  I know in my heart that I got my love of the ocean some how from him. I know that he always spent tons of time scuba and photographing all the wonders and magic found underwater.  I know that he was excited to have one last chance to get back in the water even if just to snorkel around with the fish. Very early on into our trip we went to a beach expecting to do just that, and he quickly realized that he didn’t have the lung capacity to breath through a snorkel and wasn’t strong enough to support himself swimming in the ocean. He wasn’t able to do that one last thing I know he was dreaming about doing. So he sat alone on the beach never letting on about the disappointment he must have felt, all because he wanted his children to get to experience all the joys that he was missing out on.  Him taking a back seat to our activities became a common theme during the rest of the trip. We would hike to volcanoes or waterfalls and he would sit behind waiting. Taking pictures of random wild birds and cats until we returned. We would go to beaches and he would watch as we all boogie boarded or snorkeled until we were all exhausted and worn out from the day’s activities. 

The problem with my father is that I never knew how he felt about missing out on all these parts of the vacation that I know we took because it was his dream. He never really talked about it, but I know it must have caused some disappointment in knowing that all these things he once loved were now out of reach. It must have made him feel almost fragile or maybe it was a way for him to know the end was coming soon.  I will never know and so I have stopped wondering. What I do know is that he never seemed too unhappy missing out. I will always be grateful that he let us have the chance to do all the great things on this vacation that he wasn’t able to.  He never showed resentment or anger and got bitter with us because we were able to do things and he was not. He selflessly gave us the opportunities to do wonderful stuff he would have loved. I remember that at one point we were going to take this boat out and go snorkel out on a coral reef. I was pretty excited about getting the chance to see some sea turtle and was really looking forward to going. My mom and brother and I were going to go while my dad was staying at the hotel for the day alone.  For some reason and to be honest I have never really understood why but that morning I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to stay and hang with my dad for the day instead. Looking back this day is the last thing I really remember about him and I’m so forever grateful that I got to have it.

The Two of us started the day at the beach where he told me all about crazy poisonous snails that can kill people in one second and we collected all kinds of shells and flowers.  We had lunch at McDonalds where I remember they messed up our order and we went back again to get it corrected. I remember that he ate this giant hamburger that had like three patties and tons of cheese on it. I guess at this point he didn’t need to worry about his cholesterol or fat intake. But again going there and eating greasy burgers and fries was so outside of something my mom would ever let us do it was nice to get to share that moment with him. We spent the afternoon in a local town going to the whale museum. I was obsessed with whales and remember looking at bones and pictures just soaking up all that he could tell me about everything he knew. My father if nothing else was a great teacher. The last thing we did on our day together was go shopping. My dad wanted to get an authentic Hawaiian shirt and I remember that I was with him when he found the perfect one. I still have it in my closet. Its navy blue and has these purple and teal fish all over it and it’s pretty tacky really. But anyone who remembers my dad and his crazy outfits would know it’s exactly what he would have chosen. After he died and we started to divide up all the things of his life between us, it was the only idem I really wanted.  Because that shirt had brought this perfect day to an end. 

6 months later my father died.  Here’s the thing about that day; it wasn’t really anything all that special, and part of me has always been disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat and see some turtles like my mom and brother did.   But as I get older and older and his death becomes farther and farther away, it has become one of the most special days I got to have with him.  It’s become the day where I remember him the most.  It’s this day that I look back on and see my dad; not as the sick, dying, frail man that he was sadly becoming. But instead just the loving, smart, kind and caring father that I knew before. The one full of life and sarcastic comments and super tacky taste in shirts.   So many times during that day we spent together he was just fun… and funny… and sweet… and cracking jokes… and teaching me awesome random shit about whales and killer snails… and genuinely enjoying spending the day with his 13 year old daughter.  He is the man who I look back on that day and remember. He is the father who I miss so much even 19 years later.