Saturday, July 23, 2011

I'm kinda freaking out but also know that I'm just being dumb.

My best friend just had a baby a few weeks ago. I am so excited for them and can’t wait to get all the details about her life and see how she grows up.  She has been the result of so many tears and so much money. Honestly I cannot be happier for them. But there is this part of me that is really sad about her birth.  I know that this makes me a super crappy person, but the selfish part of me hates knowing that her being around is forever going to change the relationship I have with my best friend.  And I can’t help but worry that it might not change for the better.  See babies do weird things to people. It’s like they magically mend broken relationships and such. They make once bitter people suddenly all mushy and gooey. 

My best friend is that person who I am able to connect with about all my insane bitterness in the world and my family. She was able to match my bitterness perfectly because we shared so many of the similar concerns and problems.  But now she gets to be all happy and have this magical thing that she has wanted so badly for the last ten years and I feel left behind in my bitterness all alone now. Also babies tend to bring families together. See I have always had these dreams of being able to spend our holidays together with them and my someday future children. But now that the baby is born I know for a fact that their respective family’s are going to fight to the death for that holiday time, and my best friends wont be able to ditch them to hang with me anymore. Because this is what babies do to people, they make everyone forget about how crappy they might have treated you before, and once they are born it like people just consider it a blank slate again.

 Like I said I know this is totally selfish of me and I know that I have even talked to my best friend about it and she has assured me that things won’t be different. But they will be even in just a tiny way I know that from now on I am going to have to compete in this kid’s life to matter.  It’s hard for me because I don’t have this close relationship with too many people and I just don’t want to see this one go by the wayside.  And honestly I know that I am not giving enough credit to my best friend who I do know is going to work her ass off to make sure that I am included in all the wonderful things that this baby is going to bring. But I guess there is this part of me that just can’t shake these past experiences where people stopped fighting for my friendship and just let it slip away. She could never truly know how much she means to me and hat a totally loss to who I am if she fades out of my life. I consider her at times more like family then some of my real family is.  

I have made plans to go out to visit then next week and I really can’t wait to meet the baby and see first hand how wonderful I bet she is.  I’m sure that the second that I get there all my fears are going to disappear and we will all slip into our normal routine of laughing and talking about nothing like we always do.   It’s just hard having people around you move forward in ways that you can’t seem to be able to. I have been feeling so lost as to what I want my future to be and where I want it to be moving towards. I guess there is apart of me that cant help but feel like its sucks that the universe gave the one person who really understood where I was coming from and exactly what I was feeling this chance to stop feeling like I still do. I mean where is my break? Why can’t I get the one thing that I have wished for and worked for so hard for the last 10 years too?  Why am I the one who is getting left behind while they get to move forward? Sometimes I just don’t get what I am doing wrong and why I don’t seem to be enough to get those dreams too. 

I’m again going to say that I know this is retardedly selfish and lame that I am here whining abut such dumb things, when the world has such bigger issues. But what can I say… This baby has me worried and it has me rethinking plans in my life that I thought were going to be a certain.  Now I just am feeling back to being kind of lost and unsure if I can talk to my best friend about it, cause she gets this joyful bundle of awesome occupying her time and maybe cant remember what its like being where I am anymore. Who knows, I’m probably totally wrong and I’m sure next week when I am back from my visit I’ll read this and crack up about how stupid my feeling once were.


  1. Wow, I resent that you think I somehow still don't deserve happiness, you turd! You better be cracking up at yourself now that you visited. I thought it was awesome having you here, even though all you really got to do was sit and watch me breastfeed. LOL! It's really about sharing this new experience with you more than it is about doing exciting stuff that I think is so special about you coming. I hope you felt that too. I think about you so much more than you know.

    I know we kinda talked about this, but before you freak out anymore about me having a baby, I want to remind you to remember these three things okay?

    #1: Having a baby doesn't automatically mean I'm a member of the mushy, gooey, happy club.

    #2: It took us 10 years to get here.

    #3: I will NEVER forget how it feels to be left behind and bitter.

    I will probably always struggle with these feelings because it changed who I am and how I see the rest of the world. Don't expect that getting what you want will turn you back into the person you were before the bitterness, because it won't. You might feel more tolerant, but you won't forget your struggle. Please still be my friend and my daughter's awesome god-mommy! And know that I've always wanted--and still do want you to have all the happiness you deserve. More than ever now!!!

  2. I never post at my comments but I had to for you!! Of course I think you deserve happiness and really am truely glad you got it. She is perfect and yes I am feeling pretty dumb about the whole thing now that I have visited just as I knew would. Like I said in my post I knew it was being selfish!! I just hope that someday I get to find the same type of happiness in something that you have found in your little family. And whatever Its been ten years for me of waiting too although for very different things but still.. I'm putting in ten years worth of work, effort and tears here too.. Don't forget that!!

    I know nothing will be different and I had a blast and miss you already. Thanks for being my best friend and letting me freak out knowing that I'm just being stupid!