Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Baby thoughts

I’m thinking about having a baby. Now those who know me well might find this as kind of a shock because I know I have mentioned adoption has been something I have wanted to do like pretty much forever. I still hope to one day adopt a child but right now the cost needed just to get that child much less try to raise it are far outside my means.  This time last year I was introduced to the world of foster parenting. And I do still think that I want to eventually do that as well. But I have learned it takes a lot of support to raise a foster child that might be damaged and I worry that I will have a super hard time finding the support to be a great single foster parent.

I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea.  But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me.  I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to.  I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.

I have really been thinking about  this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one.  I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me.  I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.

Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Birthday thoughts

Today is my birthday. I’m 33 now and I don’t really feel any different. What I do feel is that I am really enjoying me being in my thirties. It’s like I like being an adult. I like having adult issues and thoughts and meeting people in adult places and engaging in adult conversations. I like being a grown up and I guess it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I really understood the difference. I was always a super mature person and even at like preteen age I thought I was fairly grown up. But now looking back I get why being 30 really is fabulous. I wonder why you freak out so much about it.

I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work.  I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family.  I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.

For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and  also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old.  I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen.  I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.