Saturday, September 10, 2011

About my mom

My mom is like my best friend. Ok maybe that’s not totally right, but she is right up there at the top of the list of people I go to with my issues. We talk almost every day and even though sometimes she drives me nuts I love her so much more then I every thought I could.  I think my mom is this super wonderful person who sometimes doesn’t give herself enough credit. I know that no matter what she does or says she doesn’t really have a mean bone in her body and she really wants to be a complete peacemaker never causing a riff. Sometimes I know that she is annoying about her inability to plan things and her uber spontaneous nature. But this is the same person who I can call in a moments notice and ask her to come over and help me clean my house and she totally would in a second.  I know that  as a fact cause I did it last week when I had friends coming to visit and it was a mess and I was over whelmed.

I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other.  This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is.  But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well.  Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.

I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me.  Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for.  I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today.  Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom.  I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.

So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her.  She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful.  I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him.  he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and  it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Maybe I'm back again

When I started this blog I had no idea what to expect from it. I figured that maybe if I wrote down some of these random thoughts it would eventually make its self into something relevant. I wasn’t sure if I could go through with sharing some of the more intimate details of my life with the public, but as the months have gone by I am happy to know that some of my demons have been brought into the open and now I can account for some of my actions without having to explained them. I have no idea where I want it to go or if I’m ever going to get anything important from it. But hopefully I will some day when I look back on all the entries.

What I do know is that sometimes I just sit down without thinking I have anything to talk about and suddenly I’m writing a ton of stuff and have like four entries.  This last month I felt the exact opposite. I never once went to write something down, even some of the stuff that I have been internally wrestling with. And every time I did try I would just sit here my hands hovering above the keyboard, stuck before even being able to start until I just finally gave up. See the one thing I do know is that I never wanted this Blog to become a chore. I’m not forcing myself to write even if I have nothing to write about. I’m not writing it for any of those people who read it but for myself and my own enjoyment.  I’m really just hoping that maybe some day I’ll look back and feel satisfied that I spent some time to turn my random thoughts into a collection of how I became my future self. 

I know this last month I have been absent. On September first I said that I was going to have to make sure I start writing things again, but as soon as I said it, I asked myself why? I mean why do I have to? I always want to feel like I can give this up the second it become too much of a task or a chore. But today as I sat down to just write a few sentence explanation about why I again have been absent; works been super busy, busy, I’ve been really tired and doing a ton of house sitting again in August.  Here I am turning those few sentences into a few paragraphs, so maybe this is a sign that I am back in the mode of writing again. I guess I have honestly missed doing it so who knows maybe the month of September will be extra full of the million of things I couldn’t seem to write about in August. Or maybe this is a one time fluke and I’m never going to be able to do it again all month.  This lack of pressure is why I think this whole process works for me.  No it is why it works for me… No thinking about it required.

For my final note, now I do know that some of my readers have really enjoyed and do look forward to these random entries I post, and I never want you to think I do not appreciate that immensely. It’s nice to know that people are getting to know me in a way that I could never share of myself in person.  I have not given up on anything with this blog instead I’m just going with the flow.