Saturday, December 31, 2011

My year in 2011

Its weird a week ago I think this post would have turned out entirely different. I was in this place were I was feeling really great about life things and secure about my plans for 2012 and almost ready to unveil them to the world. Something happened though; and I don’t want to get into what it is right now, but it has left me suddenly back to know having a clue what or where 2012 is going to take me. So as I have sit here and stare at my blank screen trying to type a farewell to 2011, I don’t really know exactly how to proceed.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine.  And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing,  I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice,   stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency.  I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing.  I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.

Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge.  The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.

On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her  with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her.  I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg.  She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her.  All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.

I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible.  I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year.  I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen.  I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor.  As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside.  Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be.  For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today.  Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do.  Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I don't know if I've ever been in love in my 33 years of life. Looking back on my love life I can honestly say that I have no clue if I know what that even is. I mean I get the movie version and the story book version where you meet some one have a connection and everything else just falls into place so simple. Buts also know enough about life to know that love is complicated and it’s not something that happens with out work.  I honestly don't know if I've ever felt real romantic love. I actually thinking about it don't think I really have. My first boyfriend and I had this insane connection with each other and I remember thinking I was in love. And with all the chaos going on with in that relationship I just thought that's what love was. Cause in movies and stuff true love is chaotic and messy and complicated.  What I realized shortly after that relationship ended was that I really never loved him at all. I just felt kind of amazing having some I want me as much as he seems to want me during that time of my life and I mistook those feeling for love. But being wanted was better than me being in actual love. Sad but true.

My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton.  But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that.  I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.

The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.

I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going.  I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again.  Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute.  He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.

Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that.  From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam.  It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you  try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.

So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume.   I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together.  I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.

A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit.  It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not.  I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.

Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind.   It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used.  After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.

So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it.  I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.