Smokey

I am rarely affected by the parts of my job that are tragic. I mean I always feel sadness but I have found this way to not emote the emotions. It one of the parts about my field that I hate the most. Not the tragedy of it but the parts that have made me become so much less empathetic then I ever would have thought I could be.  But I know that loosing this is the only way that I could see some of the truly horrific situations I have seen. I mean you have to close a part of yourself off or all you would do is cry your eyes out all day and never function.  I have put some really great animals to sleep, I have seen some pets come in in the absolute worst situations and not be able to help them, I have seen pets not get care due to money concerns, I have seen lots of ignorance, I have seen more flat out just cruelty then you would imagine, all of this and more in my almost ten years of doing this.  I have also seen goodness, happiness, joy,  I have seen how much some people get from having a pet in there life, and doing above and beyond for that pet. So like most things in life I have figured out that there is a balance between the good and the truly bad, and although I do not think the scale is totally equal.  I have found away to be ok with where the sides lay.

Today I had a moment where I actually teared up and had to seriously tell my self to hold it in till I got home. Today I wanna tell you the story about Smokey.  At the end of the day we had a older gentleman come in and say that his "cat had been hit by a car and that it died". He was looking for cremation services. Its always hard with possible DOAs (dead on arrival) because sometimes the owner doesn't know that the pet still has a heart beat or is still breathing.  So we always have a person go up and get them and bring them to the back and assess the animal.  So this older man said that he had come to our clinic before but it had been a long time. So he was not in the computer system and we had to ask him to fill out new paperwork and the cremation slip.  He was probably in is late 80's and said that was fine and that he would go get the cat from the car. I asked if he needed help and he said that he ok because the cat was in a carrier. I waited for him to come back in and he had a cardboard cat carrier you get at the shelter. I asked him if he wanted the carrier back and he "no I don't have any use for it any more"

I took the carrier into the back room and opened it up and in side was a very dead cat. He was already quite stiff and his face was pretty bloody and torn up. His eye was almost bulged out of his socket and looked like his jaw as almost shattered. It looked pretty bad and frankly made my co-worker a little nauseous just seeing it. It was quite a shock. All you can really hope at this point is that this poor cat got to die quickly. Because the thought of him having a slow and drawn out death would be so completely horrible.  This old man filled out the paperwork, paid the charges and everyone told him how very sad we were for his loss. Then he said the part that really got to me. He said that he went to the door to call Smokey in for dinner. Normally he comes right away for dinner and it was unusual that he wasn't there. He walked outside a little calling for him and saw two neighbor girls looking under a bush and he went over and saw smokey lying dead. Just like he looked now.  He told us about what a great cat Smokey was and  that he was so pretty.  This poor old man was totally trying to be strong, to not feel emotion, to try to not let his love for this cat show. He wanted to act tough and indifferent but we could all see that inside it was ripping him up and he was super sad about his poor cat dying. 

See this is the thing that really gets to me. I hate knowing that now this guy is going home to a empty house. He wont have anyone to talk to, to take care of, to love. I mean I have no clue weather or not he will ever get another cat, but the fact that he said that now he doesn't have any need for the carrier, sounds like he wont. I hate having anyone have to see the animal they love and care for is such a absolutely horrible state like that. Smokey was pretty beaten up and how awful is it, that this will forever be his last image of his beloved cat, forever and ever and ever. I'm sad that he didn't get to say good bye (because I know first hand how much that sucks). I'm sad that he didn't get to prepare for it. I'm sad that as of this afternoon his whole life is going to be different. I worry that maybe this guy has nothing else and will be alone and sad and not have anyone around and that makes me ache for him. I mean if it were any of my animals I would be crushed. But the difference is that I know, that although I could never replace my lost pet, I would get another down the road and that I would be able to give the new pet all the same love and attention the old one got. Its a comfort and one that this old man didn't get to have. He will not get another cat so its sad that the death of his companion had to be this way.  it was truly one of those situations that sucks.. just plain sucks.

So as I'm sitting here crying my eyes out like I couldn't do while I was at work.  What I want to say is that today,  I want to remember Smokey; who I didn't personally know, but  who I know will be greatly missed , who I know was very much loved,  and who touched my life today in this very small way.