A nemesis a go go

I had this high school classmate who I always kinda loathed.  She wasn’t ever very nice to me and we always kinda got lumped into the same groups of people …like all the time actually. I pretty much hated her. I still say to this day that I would push her off the planet if I had the chance. I don’t know exactly where my extreme hatred for her even comes from.  If I was being completely honest with myself I cold maybe say that I’m like 30% jealous of her but I’m going to gloss over that for right now.  OK maybe we can go back to the whole jealous thing for a bit.  Here’s the thing she was this super talented person who pretty much had everything going for her that I wanted and I didn’t hate her for that I was proud of her for that actually. I mean I knew first hand how hard it was and what it took to get to where she was, and I really felt a sense of pride that she was doing all these things I couldn’t. Why I was jealous of her was because this whole being where she was at also brought a certain sense of entitlement. It seemed to give her permission to treat everyone else crappy. And like she didn’t care and If I  had to hear one more time about how easy and perfect and awesome she was  from any of stupid group of friends in her little manipulating circle. I would have shot her myself. Unless of course shooting her wouldn’t have involved large amounts of jail time and such.  Needless to say I just thought that for having as many things come so simple to her she could have given a little more respect to those of us who worked our ass off and only got half as much. And been a good and decent grateful and non fake person to the rest of the student body. But I am also able to realize that sense she treated me so crappy and not very nice, we were never really friends so all I could do was be an outside observer to her life. So maybe I had it all wrong all along. Maybe that was just the jealousy speaking all along making this hatred. Jealously is a crazy emotion.

But anyways I’m not here to lament about how crappy high school was for me (SUPER CRAPPY BTW) or even to go off about how much I hate my high school nemesis.  I am here to talk about how maybe letting go of all this old hate needs to be my next step towards happiness. I mean who cares if she married one of the only people who treated me nice in high school... Or that she still seems to have the same awesome group of friends from that time period … Or seems to have beautiful kids and is working at a talented career doing exactly what she knew she would.   I have to let it all go and STOP caring. So how can I do this? Do I befriend her on the world of Facebook and be a distant observer of her life from afar just like I was in high school? Do I seek her out in the real world and try to strike up a conversation about how much I used to hate her, but now don’t even though I don’t really know her? I don’t think either of these will be the answer. I think all I can do is just acknowledge the fact I never really knew her and just don’t hate her any longer.   So that’s what I am doing I am freeing myself from the fact that seeing her name online still drives me a little nuts and makes me wanna scream inside my brain. I’m striving to find a healthy respect for her from my heart and  I wish her the best of luck in all her endeavors ahead. 

Sadly this proclamation doesn’t make me feel any freer or like any better of a person ... but maybe that part will take just a little bit more time.