So this was written when I first got to the hotel I had a few hours to kill before I got to check into the room. I have a couple of posts that I wrote while on this vacation. I always meant to post them officially but never got around to it. Hopefully you can still see how amazing this vacation was for me even four months later.
Jamaica day 1 (written on September 17th 2012)
It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I don’t know if I just got so busy that I lost my steam or if I just felt that it wasn’t as rewarding as it used to be. I have had a ton of really cool stuff and some not so cool stuff happen to me in this period of absence so it not that I haven’t had things to write about. My mom asked why I was bringing my laptop to Jamaica with me because she though it seemed like just something heavy to lug around and asking for it to be stolen. I mean why take the risk. I told her that the main reason was that I wanted to be able to blog about my time here and maybe f I am able to pick up some steam on this vacation I’ll be able to get back to a really nice place where I can write about the everyday parts of my life.
So yeah anyways I’m in Jamaica. I arrived this afternoon and it is a super amazing place. My hotel looks over this cove and the ocean and its all blue and turquoise. It’s exactly what the picture on the Internet showed. As we were landing in Montego Bay I’ll admit I had a tear in my eye maybe even more then one. It wasn’t that I was sad or anything but the exact opposite. I was so proud of myself for being here and doing this. When I went to Guatemala it was partly a gift from my aunt. She had paid for the airfare and I remember my mom gave me 500 dollars and a present right before I left. Between the two of them I was able to have a really great trip but part of me always felt that it wasn’t the vacation I would have picked. It was more that I couldn’t say no cause they were doing these amazing things for me. I know more then one person said that they wouldn't have gone alone. but here i am alone in a foreign country that I knew nothing about before a few months ago and even still know very little. How freaking awesome am I.
So fast forward to now. Here I am in a country I know nothing about. I found a hotel on the Internet and it looked beautiful. So I booked this 9 night trip and paid for it all by myself .I should mention that I paid for it by working my ass off. And from what I can tell in the short time I have been here this is a close to a dream vacation as I could ask for. Beach… miles of it full of fish and turtles and dolphins and all these other creatures I dream about seeing. And people who as so nice and friendly and laid back just as I am. And its all paid for already but I also have a whole other set of money to just decided to use later if I want or not. I have food taken care of. Drinks yeah those all included too. And trust me that first rum drink I had while sitting on the beach was magical, and I’m not even a huge drinker, well not yet but ask me again in 9 days...lol. It’s like they plucked this place out of my dreams and made it my reality. For someone who doesn’t get to travel much its exciting beyond you could ever imagine.
So that’s where I’m at. I have no agenda but I figure in the next 9 days I’ll have explored a ton of this place. I already love the people here because like I said they share my views towards life, they are laid back go with the flow and all about relaxing. My goal is to try to come out of my shell a little. Maybe talk to people and try to make a friend or two but at least join in with other people. For someone who considers herself socially retarded that’s a scary though but whatever maybe the vacation Martha will be super social. But for today I have to go get some of that said free already paid for food, cause I’m starving then I’m going to sit out on the beach and watch the sun set. Pretty awesome way to end a whole night of travel and I couldn’t ask for anything better.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I'm back
Hello everyone. I am very sorry for my very long almost year delay between postings. I have a million excuses but none which will really explain it in truth. I honestly just got really busy and I made writing a very low priority on a long list of things that I need to get done each day. But I have decided that doing this blog has been one of the best things I have done and want to make sure that I keep it up. I have been very proud of all that I have written and I love coming to strange realizations of my life through all these random musings. So what have I been up to in the last year you ask? Well the big thing is that I started back at school. I was so freaked out and nervous about doing something so major. I mean how hard was it going to be to have to work full time and also be a full time student. I'll admit it has sucked super bad. But also what I have found is the same thing I have found other times I have been in school; which is that I love it. Being able to learn stuff that is new, or just finding how something connects after not realizing it, brings me a lot of satisfaction. School is good for me and what I have always known is that I'm good at at as long as I try a bit. I'm smart and usually willing to make sacrifices necessary to accomplish my goals as long as the goals are my own goals and not just forced upon me. I'll get more into this over the next few posts I'm sure. Well I just wanted to check back in and say hi. I have a lot of crazy things to write about that have happened in the last year and I'm sure many more things to come. Thank you all again who are reading this. I love doing it but its great knowing that some of you are out there following it too.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
picking up extra shifts
I have been spending a large amount of my time recently working extra shifts at a different hospital. It has really thrown my whole schedule out of whack, but it’s been nice to get to go back to a day practice and do some of the tasks I have missed since working in emergency. I forget how much I like cleaning really gross heavy tarter of teeth or taking perfect dental x-rays like a pro. Oh and getting the chance to lead and teach in a way that I seem to be unable to do in my current situation. It’s been a nice experience and the extra money is a much loved bonus. See each hour I have worked at this hospital its time and half because it’s for the same company. Pretty sweet deal right?
So with me doing all this extra work (and when I say extra work I mean two days a week extra, that’s 20+ hours more in addition to my normal 40+. Yes that mean 60+ hour weeks I have been working these last two months) Is that I never have the time to do anything else. I haven't been able to go do wildlife rehab in forever. I have stopped being able to see my friends at our weekly breakfast get together. I haven't had time to even think about going on a date or even trying to meet someone who I'd want to date if I did have the time. I haven’t seen my little sister in almost a month. And don’t get me started on my own pets and house; I have dishes galore piled up and my poor cats once had to resort to eating some moldy veggies out of the trash to survive starvation! Well until they puked it all up a few hours later in my living room. I have become a shitty pet owner who barely has the time to throw some food in their bowls, flip a few turtle lights on or off, and chuck a few hunks of kale into the tanks to be devoured. And let’s not even mention poor Morgan, who seems to spend more time in the kennel in the back of my car then in my house. Because see in addition to all this extra work at this other hospital I’m doing, I have also done this gigantic amount of house and pet sitting for other people’s animals. That’s the truly ironic part about this last month and a half; see as I have started to neglect my own animals more and more, I am working my ass off to care for other people’s awesomely instead.
So yeah I suck. I know… But I find comfort in knowing that all this sucking is for a purpose and that purpose is going to make it all worthwhile in the future. Soon I am going be in a position to reveal some crazy life plans here with you all, and then you’ll also get to see that my actions are for a much better good. I have some major life changes in the works and I am getting excited to share these with people and start the path to this new life I am planning. But until then (or at least for tonight), I am taking a night off; the first in a whole week where I have actually am able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle with the cats and dogs that I love more than anything. Tomorrow I am going to make the turtles a large meal of something special, hopefully making up for all my crappyness this last month. And I’m going to enjoy being able to do nothing except catch up on my TiVo and write a very long overdue blog entry or two. I also have a great evening planned with my little sis hopefully being able to do something fun. Oh and a sink full of dishes I must wash cause I’m out of spoons which isn't fun exactly but must get done nonetheless.
So yeah that’s what has been happening since I last posted here. I guess as my mom said to me just today, I am lucky to be young enough where all this work isn’t totally killing me and lucky that I am in a field where I get to have a job, much less one that I like and sometimes I get to get paid overtime to go out and do every day. I guess in that regard I really can’t complain.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
undigging a hole
About a year ago I made a decision about something in my life that I thought was going to solve an issue I was having. I know that’s a pretty vague sentence and out of respect for the people involved I am not going to get into it in a public forum. But I stuck to my guns because I though it was the best thing for me. This last month I have really come to realize that I am this extremely stubborn person. I have always known that I have a super hard shell around me and that I spend all this time building up these walls so people can’t see the soft vulnerable side of me. I know that I’m hard and sometime even kinda cold, but I never really though that I was stubborn. Turns out that I really am.
See here’s what happened to make me realize this. I recently had a moment where I was genuinely upset about this decision I made back in the day and more recently something occurred which was different because of that decision. It was those differences that really affected me. I moped around for a few days and honestly kinda played the victim which is something I never do as those who know me know. But suddenly I had this epiphany and it hit me that all I was doing was making myself kinda miserable. Nothing was being solved. No one was learning lesson. Heck honestly no one was even affected expect for me, and I wasn’t even happy anymore. I was miserable and sad and depressed that somehow my own actions have made it so that I was feeling this crappy. Why was I still holding on to this? Why couldn’t I just let it go and move on… Why was I being so freaking stubborn.
So now that I am coming to realize that I am this super stubborn person what do I do about it. I guess I have to try to forget about what it was that bothered me so much before. I have to be the bigger person and act like that the adult that I am. See people may never change how they are or what they do, but you are capable of changing how it affects you. So I guess I am going to start the process of undigging my hole I have made for my self. I am going to try to move past those initial feelings and try to just forgive. So even though I have no clue how to go about making this first step I'm going to figure it out. See I have always prided myself in being this super kind and caring and loving person and this incident has made me everything but all those traits. It makes me sad that I have even let this last year go by allowing people to consider me anything but amazing, and I don’t want anymore days to go by where that’s the case. Tomorrow I start to try digging my way out.
See here’s what happened to make me realize this. I recently had a moment where I was genuinely upset about this decision I made back in the day and more recently something occurred which was different because of that decision. It was those differences that really affected me. I moped around for a few days and honestly kinda played the victim which is something I never do as those who know me know. But suddenly I had this epiphany and it hit me that all I was doing was making myself kinda miserable. Nothing was being solved. No one was learning lesson. Heck honestly no one was even affected expect for me, and I wasn’t even happy anymore. I was miserable and sad and depressed that somehow my own actions have made it so that I was feeling this crappy. Why was I still holding on to this? Why couldn’t I just let it go and move on… Why was I being so freaking stubborn.
So now that I am coming to realize that I am this super stubborn person what do I do about it. I guess I have to try to forget about what it was that bothered me so much before. I have to be the bigger person and act like that the adult that I am. See people may never change how they are or what they do, but you are capable of changing how it affects you. So I guess I am going to start the process of undigging my hole I have made for my self. I am going to try to move past those initial feelings and try to just forgive. So even though I have no clue how to go about making this first step I'm going to figure it out. See I have always prided myself in being this super kind and caring and loving person and this incident has made me everything but all those traits. It makes me sad that I have even let this last year go by allowing people to consider me anything but amazing, and I don’t want anymore days to go by where that’s the case. Tomorrow I start to try digging my way out.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The last day I really remember my father
Last week was the 19th anniversary of my father’s death. It’s weird that he has been dead so long and every year I remember less and less about him. I’m sure that’s what’s expected with those who have passed away and I know that some day I’ll just be left with random flashes of the first 14 years of memories involving him. Already I have forgotten the last day he was alive. I can’t remember anything that he said or did that day. I can’t think about seeing any sort of indication that it would be his last day because honestly I doubt that he even knew it would be. His death came fast and unexpected. Well as unexpected as someone who is dying can happen. When I really think about it I don’t even remember much about the last months he was alive. The last big things that I remember about my dad were the days we spent in Hawaii. When I flash back to things I remember most it’s those few days I keep going back to.
We went to Hawaii because he always loved the ocean. I know in my heart that I got my love of the ocean some how from him. I know that he always spent tons of time scuba and photographing all the wonders and magic found underwater. I know that he was excited to have one last chance to get back in the water even if just to snorkel around with the fish. Very early on into our trip we went to a beach expecting to do just that, and he quickly realized that he didn’t have the lung capacity to breath through a snorkel and wasn’t strong enough to support himself swimming in the ocean. He wasn’t able to do that one last thing I know he was dreaming about doing. So he sat alone on the beach never letting on about the disappointment he must have felt, all because he wanted his children to get to experience all the joys that he was missing out on. Him taking a back seat to our activities became a common theme during the rest of the trip. We would hike to volcanoes or waterfalls and he would sit behind waiting. Taking pictures of random wild birds and cats until we returned. We would go to beaches and he would watch as we all boogie boarded or snorkeled until we were all exhausted and worn out from the day’s activities.
The problem with my father is that I never knew how he felt about missing out on all these parts of the vacation that I know we took because it was his dream. He never really talked about it, but I know it must have caused some disappointment in knowing that all these things he once loved were now out of reach. It must have made him feel almost fragile or maybe it was a way for him to know the end was coming soon. I will never know and so I have stopped wondering. What I do know is that he never seemed too unhappy missing out. I will always be grateful that he let us have the chance to do all the great things on this vacation that he wasn’t able to. He never showed resentment or anger and got bitter with us because we were able to do things and he was not. He selflessly gave us the opportunities to do wonderful stuff he would have loved. I remember that at one point we were going to take this boat out and go snorkel out on a coral reef. I was pretty excited about getting the chance to see some sea turtle and was really looking forward to going. My mom and brother and I were going to go while my dad was staying at the hotel for the day alone. For some reason and to be honest I have never really understood why but that morning I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to stay and hang with my dad for the day instead. Looking back this day is the last thing I really remember about him and I’m so forever grateful that I got to have it.
The Two of us started the day at the beach where he told me all about crazy poisonous snails that can kill people in one second and we collected all kinds of shells and flowers. We had lunch at McDonalds where I remember they messed up our order and we went back again to get it corrected. I remember that he ate this giant hamburger that had like three patties and tons of cheese on it. I guess at this point he didn’t need to worry about his cholesterol or fat intake. But again going there and eating greasy burgers and fries was so outside of something my mom would ever let us do it was nice to get to share that moment with him. We spent the afternoon in a local town going to the whale museum. I was obsessed with whales and remember looking at bones and pictures just soaking up all that he could tell me about everything he knew. My father if nothing else was a great teacher. The last thing we did on our day together was go shopping. My dad wanted to get an authentic Hawaiian shirt and I remember that I was with him when he found the perfect one. I still have it in my closet. Its navy blue and has these purple and teal fish all over it and it’s pretty tacky really. But anyone who remembers my dad and his crazy outfits would know it’s exactly what he would have chosen. After he died and we started to divide up all the things of his life between us, it was the only idem I really wanted. Because that shirt had brought this perfect day to an end.
6 months later my father died. Here’s the thing about that day; it wasn’t really anything all that special, and part of me has always been disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat and see some turtles like my mom and brother did. But as I get older and older and his death becomes farther and farther away, it has become one of the most special days I got to have with him. It’s become the day where I remember him the most. It’s this day that I look back on and see my dad; not as the sick, dying, frail man that he was sadly becoming. But instead just the loving, smart, kind and caring father that I knew before. The one full of life and sarcastic comments and super tacky taste in shirts. So many times during that day we spent together he was just fun… and funny… and sweet… and cracking jokes… and teaching me awesome random shit about whales and killer snails… and genuinely enjoying spending the day with his 13 year old daughter. He is the man who I look back on that day and remember. He is the father who I miss so much even 19 years later.
We went to Hawaii because he always loved the ocean. I know in my heart that I got my love of the ocean some how from him. I know that he always spent tons of time scuba and photographing all the wonders and magic found underwater. I know that he was excited to have one last chance to get back in the water even if just to snorkel around with the fish. Very early on into our trip we went to a beach expecting to do just that, and he quickly realized that he didn’t have the lung capacity to breath through a snorkel and wasn’t strong enough to support himself swimming in the ocean. He wasn’t able to do that one last thing I know he was dreaming about doing. So he sat alone on the beach never letting on about the disappointment he must have felt, all because he wanted his children to get to experience all the joys that he was missing out on. Him taking a back seat to our activities became a common theme during the rest of the trip. We would hike to volcanoes or waterfalls and he would sit behind waiting. Taking pictures of random wild birds and cats until we returned. We would go to beaches and he would watch as we all boogie boarded or snorkeled until we were all exhausted and worn out from the day’s activities.
The problem with my father is that I never knew how he felt about missing out on all these parts of the vacation that I know we took because it was his dream. He never really talked about it, but I know it must have caused some disappointment in knowing that all these things he once loved were now out of reach. It must have made him feel almost fragile or maybe it was a way for him to know the end was coming soon. I will never know and so I have stopped wondering. What I do know is that he never seemed too unhappy missing out. I will always be grateful that he let us have the chance to do all the great things on this vacation that he wasn’t able to. He never showed resentment or anger and got bitter with us because we were able to do things and he was not. He selflessly gave us the opportunities to do wonderful stuff he would have loved. I remember that at one point we were going to take this boat out and go snorkel out on a coral reef. I was pretty excited about getting the chance to see some sea turtle and was really looking forward to going. My mom and brother and I were going to go while my dad was staying at the hotel for the day alone. For some reason and to be honest I have never really understood why but that morning I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to stay and hang with my dad for the day instead. Looking back this day is the last thing I really remember about him and I’m so forever grateful that I got to have it.
The Two of us started the day at the beach where he told me all about crazy poisonous snails that can kill people in one second and we collected all kinds of shells and flowers. We had lunch at McDonalds where I remember they messed up our order and we went back again to get it corrected. I remember that he ate this giant hamburger that had like three patties and tons of cheese on it. I guess at this point he didn’t need to worry about his cholesterol or fat intake. But again going there and eating greasy burgers and fries was so outside of something my mom would ever let us do it was nice to get to share that moment with him. We spent the afternoon in a local town going to the whale museum. I was obsessed with whales and remember looking at bones and pictures just soaking up all that he could tell me about everything he knew. My father if nothing else was a great teacher. The last thing we did on our day together was go shopping. My dad wanted to get an authentic Hawaiian shirt and I remember that I was with him when he found the perfect one. I still have it in my closet. Its navy blue and has these purple and teal fish all over it and it’s pretty tacky really. But anyone who remembers my dad and his crazy outfits would know it’s exactly what he would have chosen. After he died and we started to divide up all the things of his life between us, it was the only idem I really wanted. Because that shirt had brought this perfect day to an end.
6 months later my father died. Here’s the thing about that day; it wasn’t really anything all that special, and part of me has always been disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat and see some turtles like my mom and brother did. But as I get older and older and his death becomes farther and farther away, it has become one of the most special days I got to have with him. It’s become the day where I remember him the most. It’s this day that I look back on and see my dad; not as the sick, dying, frail man that he was sadly becoming. But instead just the loving, smart, kind and caring father that I knew before. The one full of life and sarcastic comments and super tacky taste in shirts. So many times during that day we spent together he was just fun… and funny… and sweet… and cracking jokes… and teaching me awesome random shit about whales and killer snails… and genuinely enjoying spending the day with his 13 year old daughter. He is the man who I look back on that day and remember. He is the father who I miss so much even 19 years later.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My year in 2011
Its weird a week ago I think this post would have turned out entirely different. I was in this place were I was feeling really great about life things and secure about my plans for 2012 and almost ready to unveil them to the world. Something happened though; and I don’t want to get into what it is right now, but it has left me suddenly back to know having a clue what or where 2012 is going to take me. So as I have sit here and stare at my blank screen trying to type a farewell to 2011, I don’t really know exactly how to proceed.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine. And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing, I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice, stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency. I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing. I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.
Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge. The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.
On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her. I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg. She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her. All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.
I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible. I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year. I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen. I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor. As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside. Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be. For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today. Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do. Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine. And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing, I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice, stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency. I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing. I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.
Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge. The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.
On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her. I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg. She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her. All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.
I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible. I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year. I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen. I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor. As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside. Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be. For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today. Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do. Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Adam
I don't know if I've ever been in love in my 33 years of life. Looking back on my love life I can honestly say that I have no clue if I know what that even is. I mean I get the movie version and the story book version where you meet some one have a connection and everything else just falls into place so simple. Buts also know enough about life to know that love is complicated and it’s not something that happens with out work. I honestly don't know if I've ever felt real romantic love. I actually thinking about it don't think I really have. My first boyfriend and I had this insane connection with each other and I remember thinking I was in love. And with all the chaos going on with in that relationship I just thought that's what love was. Cause in movies and stuff true love is chaotic and messy and complicated. What I realized shortly after that relationship ended was that I really never loved him at all. I just felt kind of amazing having some I want me as much as he seems to want me during that time of my life and I mistook those feeling for love. But being wanted was better than me being in actual love. Sad but true.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
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