Tuesday, January 31, 2012

undigging a hole

About a year ago I made a decision about something in my life that I thought was going to solve an issue I was having. I know that’s a pretty vague sentence and out of respect for the people involved I am not going to get into it in a public forum.  But I stuck to my guns because I though it was the best thing for me. This last month I have really come to realize that I am this extremely stubborn person. I have always known that I have a super hard shell around me and that I spend all this time building up these walls so people can’t see the soft vulnerable side of me. I know that I’m hard and sometime even kinda cold, but I never really though that I was stubborn. Turns out that I really am.

See here’s what happened to make me realize this. I recently had a moment where I was genuinely upset about this decision I made back in the day and more recently something occurred which was different because of that decision. It was those differences that really affected me. I moped around for a few days and honestly kinda played the victim which is something I never do as those who know me know. But suddenly I had this epiphany and it hit me that all I was doing was making myself kinda miserable. Nothing was being solved. No one was learning lesson. Heck honestly no one was even affected expect for me, and I wasn’t even happy anymore. I was miserable and sad and depressed that somehow my own actions have made it so that I was feeling this crappy. Why was I still holding on to this? Why couldn’t I just let it go and move on… Why was I being so freaking stubborn.

So now that I am coming to realize that I am this super stubborn person what do I do about it. I guess I have to try to forget about what it was that bothered me so much before. I have to be the bigger person and act like that the adult that I am. See people may never change how they are or what they do, but you are capable of changing how it affects you.  So I guess I am going to start the process of undigging my hole I have made for my self. I am going to try to move past those initial feelings and try to just forgive. So even though I have no clue how to go about making this first  step I'm going to figure it out.  See I have always prided myself in being this super kind and caring and loving person and this incident has made me everything but all those traits. It makes me sad that I have even let this last year go by allowing people to consider me anything but amazing, and  I don’t want anymore days to go by where that’s the case.  Tomorrow I start to try digging my way out.

1 comment:

  1. You are so right people do not change but your ability to change how they can affect you is the key to everything. Just pride yourself that you can surrender, forgive and go forward Love you all the more! Mom