Sunday, March 27, 2011

In a funk today

Sometimes I get in this funk where it seems like all the people around me are way happy and I am just so not. I know that this is my own perception of a very false reality, but I can’t help when these feeling pop into my brain and take over. They just come on suddenly and it’s like so crippling, and makes me not want to do anything to relieve them. I don’t know if its laziness, or just knowing that if I find a way to make them go away this time they’ll just come back again, so I don’t bother trying.  Maybe this is what people consider depression.  I have never considered myself a depressed person. No I think depression is much much worse then this. I think I wish it could be depression, so that I could consider it a real issue. Instead I think it’s just that I just don’t think I have found my real source of happiness yet.  I still can’t seem to let go of this feeling that I am just on the peak of figuring it out and being able to experience it.  Like happiness is so close to me, just that arms reach away, and yet my arms are just not quite long enough to reach out and grab on to it.  I don’t know maybe this is what makes me so dumb.

I mean I know that you are all thinking… what am I waiting for? The truth and what my real problem is, is that I can’t figure out what is going to make me truly happy. I mean I know that people always reflect on their lives at some point and say that it’s the little things, the simple things, and the unexpected things that made their life worth while. Maybe I have to be on my death bed to really appreciate all that I have, and be satisfied with it, and maybe even happy about it.  I’m honestly happy at times during my days. I mean today I took a nap on the couch and when I woke up two hours later all the cats were on top of me as well as my dog. Just having that simple closeness with something that loves me so much and unconditionally, it’s so innocent and simple. It was truly a very happy thing to get to have, but I‘m sad that I only get to have this from my pets. 

Its not that I am not happy with what my life has become. It’s just that I think that these moments that I feel this happiness are then just as quickly replaced. I love doing all the activities I do, and when I am actively participating in them I‘m happy as a clam. But then I  come home to my empty apartment and when I go  online I end up reading about the other peoples happiness in their face book posts, blog,  or whatever.  I’m lonely too I think. It’s been awhile since I have even tried to make a new friend or have a date. That’s another issue I’m having right now. And because I’m lonely, I’m unmotivated to want to go do anything, even though I know that the only way to cure this loneliness is getting out and finding things to do and people to do them with.  Instead I just feel so sucked out. It’s hard to for me to want to do anything except stay here and try to get another little random moment of happiness with my random pets at home. Especially causes those random moments seem to be all I get right now.

I know this is just a funk. I know that it’s caused by the fact that I had a kind of bad week and I had nothing to go out and do today. I wanted to go to the zoo but it’s raining hard enough where I won’t because I don’t want to get sick more then I want to go to the zoo. I know that being super broke isn’t helping my mood either. I am taking a very large trip next month and I am trying very hard to save everything for that. I know that I am also having my “monthly gift” (if you could call it that more like really annoying gift that takes four days to go away) so I’m sure that’s not helping with my emotional state either.  I really do know that I am just feeling sorry for myself.  It’s going to pass and heck maybe later today I’ll randomly run into something that will change the whole perspective of my life and suddenly this whole post will seem so very far away. That’s the thing about life; it can change in an instant, and drastically. You just have to be open to it changing. Right now I am very open for it changing as long as it is for the better.  So sorry for making this all whiney but it’s what I sat down and wrote about today.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry Martika... :( I wish I could afford to visit you. Then you could totally wake up and find me asleep on top of you! Wouldn't that be awesome?!??! LOLOL!!!