Tuesday, March 8, 2011

digging in to some personal stuff.

Do you remember being a little kid? Well of course you do. Being little and watching a Disney movie and thinking inside that yes, this is how it happens, the whole finding your true love and falling in love stuff. It’s just like the Disney movies make it out to be. OK so then you grow older, like 12 or maybe 14 (if you’re a real romantic).  And you realize that no, this isn’t how it happens at all.  You don’t just fall in love instantly and happily ever after is not a real ending. You become more aware of the realities to each situation, you have taken the time to observe relationships around you, and you know that they take effort and work and time. But as much as every 12 or 13 year old girl won’t admit to this, they all still secretly still hope that the whole Disney love at first sight happily ever after scenarios do exist and adults are just unable to find there happy ending. 

OK so then you hit like your twenties. In your 20’s you have dated a bunch, some good some bad.  You have experienced heartaches, depression, and happiness, sometimes all three in the same hour.  You know all about the reality and maybe a small amount of bitterness is starting to edge its way into your soul and you just keep pushing it back and back and back pretending that it isn’t there.  You see people around you have good and bad relationships, you see love at first sight, and couples being friends first, and some just plain crappy relationship decisions being made. You start to think that Disney is only here to play up this false idea for little girls and sell merchandise to the world. You start to think you know what you want, and you’re only slightly worried that you might not get it.  Because right now life is still a huge oyster and you have endless amount of time ahead to get it.

It’s not until I hit my 30’s that’s I can look back and realize just how wrong I have been. And not about the Disney thing, or time thing,  but about the whole relationship thing completely. Disney movie ending can come true but sometimes they don’t as well. It’s not this black and white world that we live in where every one has the perfect relationship and love life.   I have spent a ton of time trying to find my perfect relationship and I have not come very close to getting it. I used to really think that it was something about the people I was attracted to or what I looked like that was the problem. I have followed a ton of various  dating rules and broke a bunch more.  I have done a ton of different route’s for dating,  internet, blind dates, friends first… And it always seems to end the same.  I have tried to just say screw it and be happy single and alone. And to an extent I am… Really… But I know in my heart I don’t want this to be it,  I don't want to be happy and alone. So I think its time for me to really try and figure out where I have gone wrong in my life with the relationships I have had, and in  all the relationships, friendships and boyfriends alike. I think one of my biggest problems in life has always been with making  real friends. I am fiercely loyal but for some reason I don’t really have many truly close friends. So that’s my plan I guess, I’m going to try to re evaluate my former relationships to see what happened and maybe that will give me some insight to fixing stuff in the future.


Things went really good in childhood for the most part,   I had just enough freedom and structure to instill in me morals and values that still are part of who I am today. But now that I am 32, I‘m not sure that I am still as happy as I was when I was 8, and honestly don’t really have a ton to show for my life if it were to end right now today.  So maybe I should also re-evaluate how I let my childhood happiness slip away. Maybe this isn’t going to do anything for me or maybe it will be Pandora’s Box opening up in my head that will show me a whole other way to be instead.

I wasn’t a cool kid; I was kind of dorky and outspoken.  I never really came into my own sense of who I was until I was like 25. I kind of rode on the tails of everyone else around me, my brother, my father, my best friend Kasia. You name it; I molded them into who I was until I never even knew I wasn’t them.  I wasn’t one of those 7 year olds who ever had boyfriends, or as much of a boyfriend a 7 year old can have. I was more the one to organized huge class wide imaginary adventures  at recess involving horses, unicorns and hunters. I had lots of friends who were boys but I never had any idea that I was suppose to consider them any different then my girl friends so I never did. I welcomed them into my life just as easily and equally.  I was a fairly innocent and happy kid. Well I pretended I was and I portrayed that to everyone around me. But this happiness wasn’t completely truthful.  I needed more drama maybe. I guess I needed to have attention and sought it out in very negative ways.

I can remember the first time I told a lie. I was in 2nd grade. I had this very close group of friends and we did what every 8 year old would do. We constantly changed who was the leader of the group, who was who‘s best friend, who we wanted out of the group for the day, but in the end we all stayed close 8 year old  friends.  I remember that I was at recess and I told a girl named Kelly that I had this watch that also had a calculator and phone on it,  and that it was really expensive, so I wasn’t allowed to take it out of the house.  That was it; I think that was the first time that I told something very blatantly not true. I don’t know what led up to that lie or why I felt the need to. Like I said before, I think that I needed to get attention in any form possible. I also don’t want you to think that this started a whole spiral into lying about everything. I just think that for some reason telling that little lie made something in my head open up and like every Pandora’s Box situations I got something positive from it.  And so wanted to keep getting it.

The problem is when you start to tell about things that don’t exists you have to prevent them from ever coming over because then they would want to see them. So in some ways you can never really become close friends with those people or they would know the truth. Maybe that is what first started me keeping people just at the surface.  Maybe that is what made me build these insane walls I have up. Hopefully I’ll figure it out. That’s my goal for now.. Like I said before this is just a chance for me to try to explore more into my own behaviors. But either way good or bad, this is the very roughest cut of who I am and how I got here.

1 comment:

  1. OMG I HAD FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT THE PERIOD IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU WERE MAKING UP ALL THOSE LIES AND SOME OF THEM TURNED AROUND AND BIT YOU. MAN YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE THOSE DAYS. AND THE ATTENTION THING IS PROBABLY RIGHT ON! IN MY MIND. KEEP UP YOUR WRITING. GIVE A LITTLE, TAKE A LITTLE LAUGH A LITTLE LOVE A LITTLE AND LIFE WILL REPY WITH MORE THAN ALITTLE. I PRAY!!!!!!!MOM

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