Being broke

Being broke sucks... I mean I know that if you asked anyone that they would readily if not eagerly agree. But what suck even a tad bit more for me is when you’re just barely broke enough to like kind of not be. I make just enough to live off. It’s not a ton but it’s doable. I have worked hard to pay of almost all my debts. Such as student loans, the car, and am only down to paying off one larger credit card balance. It’s been a tough thing to do and a lot of the time it was because I took a second job or watched the twins on my days off. The problem is that now that I don’t have that second job, and I have instead decided to spend my free time volunteering instead of working, I am pretty much just getting by.  It’s been working out ok for the last few months. I mean I pay all my bills on time and sometimes have a little bit to be able to do some sort of fun things with friends or my little sister. I do end up spending a lot on gas because I am retarded and seem to find places to both work and volunteer at far away from my house. The problem I run into is that I have such a hard time putting anything into saving. But I do because I know that you have to have that rainy day fund for emergencies. The problem is that I tend to have more emergencies then the fund will allow for.

In the last three months I have had over a1000 dollars bill for my very sick cat to pay at my own work, I have 500 for the awesome orthotics that I needed, I ended up with a 400 dollar bill for that lame trip to the emergency room for that dumb foot accident a few weeks back, Oh and I have about 200 to pay the dentist ( I have stupid fast growing tarter and I require four time a year cleanings of it becomes a much worse problem), and I have already this year spend almost 300 in co-pays alone and its just March.  I also have car insurance that’s due next month I try to do 6 months at a time oh and all my normal bills to pay like rent and utilities. It’s all so much more then I could ever budget for and so my question is what do you do then?

I mean I am doing all that I can do.  I took my whole last paycheck and paid at least half of all those medical bills. I am having my work take out money from my paycheck each time to cover my cat’s bill, I have canceled all the stuff I can (bye bye Netflix). I have scaled down all the plans to the lowest I think I can manage. I even tried to get a roommate but that ended disaster when he randomly took off while I was at work and didn’t pay me anything, instead costing me more then I could ever have imagined.  I am taking a ton of extra house sitting gigs, so many right now that I pretty much don’t have a free day in the whole month of April. I try to jump at the chance to work an extra day, even if it means I can’t show up at one of my volunteer places and therefore making me a less reliable volunteer.   It’s just frustrating…and I know, everyone has been here and done that at some point of their life. I just hate the mind numbingness of having to constantly budget and count every penny, every day, day after day after day.  In hind sight I mean maybe I shouldn’t have gone to the podiatrist, but then I would still be having foot issues that might become much worse if not treated. I could have just stop going to the dentist but then I would have much worse mouth and tooth issues. I really do feel that I am trying to be the absolute healthiest I can be here because I want to make sure that I can be around for as long as possible.

 I don’t ever dream of shopping, buying random junk, partying up with friends at bars or anything like that. I dream of taking trips, of the freedom to drive across the state to visit my best friend, because she is pregnant and I miss her like crazy, and wish I could watch her unborn baby move around in her belly. I dream that I could paint the wall of my bedroom a dark color even if I am planning to just live here a few more months and would just have to paint it back to boring white, I dream of being able to break my lease and move into a 3 bedroom house (without having to borrow money from my mom) and starting the foster parent process sooner. I dream of being able to see every awesome concert, even the random festivals all around the place without a moment hesitation about the costs, and getting those tickets the second they are announced.  I dream of being able to take random classes about random topics, that interest me just to fill my time like cake decorating or knitting. I dream of being able to take my little sister or my nieces to really awesome places like skiing or museums.  That’s how I would spend my money if I had it.

Instead I am going to sit here and hang out online, watch the random 20 television channels I do have, and if I can’t find anything good to watch I’ll maybe download something from the web. I am going to try to make the pets entertain me maybe I’ll let all the turtles run around the place and tweak out the cats,  that’s always a good time.  Oh and Go to the gym as much as possible because I do still want to try to squeeze the ability to pay that every month again cause its for my health.  I know that I’m just feeling sorry for myself and I know that it could be so much worse but yesterday I  couldn’t afford to get one of the medicines that I was recommended to use because it was almost 50 bucks and right now I don’t have it.  I left the doctors office in tears because I hate having to make those choices. I mean I am working so hard to try to get my health all under control and take care of myself, so I can be around to do all these things I dream about in the future. But it’s frustrating because it’s like you take 2 steps forward and then have to take one step back. I guess I will have to wait a month until I can start the meds because that the next time I’ll have that extra fifty to spend on them. Its just hard when your in this place where you make too much to like be considered poor but not quite enough to not be considered anything else but poor.