Its weird a week ago I think this post would have turned out entirely different. I was in this place were I was feeling really great about life things and secure about my plans for 2012 and almost ready to unveil them to the world. Something happened though; and I don’t want to get into what it is right now, but it has left me suddenly back to know having a clue what or where 2012 is going to take me. So as I have sit here and stare at my blank screen trying to type a farewell to 2011, I don’t really know exactly how to proceed.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine. And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing, I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice, stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency. I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing. I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.
Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge. The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.
On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her. I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg. She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her. All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.
I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible. I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year. I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen. I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor. As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside. Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be. For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today. Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do. Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Adam
I don't know if I've ever been in love in my 33 years of life. Looking back on my love life I can honestly say that I have no clue if I know what that even is. I mean I get the movie version and the story book version where you meet some one have a connection and everything else just falls into place so simple. Buts also know enough about life to know that love is complicated and it’s not something that happens with out work. I honestly don't know if I've ever felt real romantic love. I actually thinking about it don't think I really have. My first boyfriend and I had this insane connection with each other and I remember thinking I was in love. And with all the chaos going on with in that relationship I just thought that's what love was. Cause in movies and stuff true love is chaotic and messy and complicated. What I realized shortly after that relationship ended was that I really never loved him at all. I just felt kind of amazing having some I want me as much as he seems to want me during that time of my life and I mistook those feeling for love. But being wanted was better than me being in actual love. Sad but true.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Baby thoughts
I’m thinking about having a baby. Now those who know me well might find this as kind of a shock because I know I have mentioned adoption has been something I have wanted to do like pretty much forever. I still hope to one day adopt a child but right now the cost needed just to get that child much less try to raise it are far outside my means. This time last year I was introduced to the world of foster parenting. And I do still think that I want to eventually do that as well. But I have learned it takes a lot of support to raise a foster child that might be damaged and I worry that I will have a super hard time finding the support to be a great single foster parent.
I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea. But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me. I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to. I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.
I have really been thinking about this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one. I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me. I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.
Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.
I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea. But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me. I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to. I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.
I have really been thinking about this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one. I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me. I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.
Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Birthday thoughts
Today is my birthday. I’m 33 now and I don’t really feel any different. What I do feel is that I am really enjoying me being in my thirties. It’s like I like being an adult. I like having adult issues and thoughts and meeting people in adult places and engaging in adult conversations. I like being a grown up and I guess it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I really understood the difference. I was always a super mature person and even at like preteen age I thought I was fairly grown up. But now looking back I get why being 30 really is fabulous. I wonder why you freak out so much about it.
I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work. I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family. I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.
For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old. I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen. I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.
I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work. I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family. I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.
For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old. I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen. I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Fostering revisited
It was almost 1 year ago that I started taking these foster parenting classes and almost 1 year that I have worked to make fostering a reality. But the reality of that situation is that it does take more then just a strong desire to foster a child. You have a bunch of tiny rules about the house situation and living arraignments that the state requires in order for a foster child to live with you. Regardless to say, once I finished these classes and started the next step of the fostering process, which is the home study, I quickly learned that my apartment would fail miserable.
Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location. Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no. I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study. Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.
Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use. Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture. So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them. Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.
Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care. Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal. But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem. It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern. So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option. But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.
Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces. Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down.
OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping. So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers. Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers. Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.
So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier. It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it. I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.
Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location. Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no. I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study. Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.
Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use. Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture. So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them. Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.
Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care. Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal. But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem. It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern. So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option. But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.
Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces. Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down.
OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping. So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers. Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers. Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.
So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier. It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it. I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Worth
I have always wrestled with feelings of worthlessness. How do you know if you mean something or if your life actually matters? I mean I know that in terms of the universe my existence is pretty insignificant, but how about if I matter to the people around me on a day to day basis. I think that I do, but I have always had this wall that I can’t push past and say with confidence that yes I do. I’ve always been very good at justifying these worthless feeling and allowing them to be a part of who I am and what I have become. I am easy to say things like “if you had some of the things happen to me then you would feel like this too” or “so many of the people who should show me how much I am worth have instead done the opposite” When I really sit and explore this whole worthlessness stuff, I know that I use those phrases as a crutch. I use the worthlessness thing as kind of crutch. So what is worth exactly? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable and that commands esteem or respect, and merit. So how does my lack of worth really affect my life? I figure it kind of allows for two very specific things.
One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"
The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you. Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.
Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily. This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start. So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job. I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless. I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise. Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.
OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever. I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might. I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.
Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings. “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.
One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"
The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you. Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.
Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily. This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start. So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job. I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless. I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise. Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.
OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever. I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might. I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.
Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings. “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
About my mom
My mom is like my best friend. Ok maybe that’s not totally right, but she is right up there at the top of the list of people I go to with my issues. We talk almost every day and even though sometimes she drives me nuts I love her so much more then I every thought I could. I think my mom is this super wonderful person who sometimes doesn’t give herself enough credit. I know that no matter what she does or says she doesn’t really have a mean bone in her body and she really wants to be a complete peacemaker never causing a riff. Sometimes I know that she is annoying about her inability to plan things and her uber spontaneous nature. But this is the same person who I can call in a moments notice and ask her to come over and help me clean my house and she totally would in a second. I know that as a fact cause I did it last week when I had friends coming to visit and it was a mess and I was over whelmed.
I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other. This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is. But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well. Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.
I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me. Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for. I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today. Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom. I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.
So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her. She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful. I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him. he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return.
I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other. This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is. But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well. Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.
I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me. Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for. I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today. Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom. I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.
So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her. She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful. I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him. he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)