It was almost 1 year ago that I started taking these foster parenting classes and almost 1 year that I have worked to make fostering a reality. But the reality of that situation is that it does take more then just a strong desire to foster a child. You have a bunch of tiny rules about the house situation and living arraignments that the state requires in order for a foster child to live with you. Regardless to say, once I finished these classes and started the next step of the fostering process, which is the home study, I quickly learned that my apartment would fail miserable.
Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location. Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no. I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study. Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.
Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use. Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture. So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them. Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.
Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care. Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal. But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem. It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern. So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option. But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.
Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces. Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down.
OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping. So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers. Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers. Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.
So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier. It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it. I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Worth
I have always wrestled with feelings of worthlessness. How do you know if you mean something or if your life actually matters? I mean I know that in terms of the universe my existence is pretty insignificant, but how about if I matter to the people around me on a day to day basis. I think that I do, but I have always had this wall that I can’t push past and say with confidence that yes I do. I’ve always been very good at justifying these worthless feeling and allowing them to be a part of who I am and what I have become. I am easy to say things like “if you had some of the things happen to me then you would feel like this too” or “so many of the people who should show me how much I am worth have instead done the opposite” When I really sit and explore this whole worthlessness stuff, I know that I use those phrases as a crutch. I use the worthlessness thing as kind of crutch. So what is worth exactly? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable and that commands esteem or respect, and merit. So how does my lack of worth really affect my life? I figure it kind of allows for two very specific things.
One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"
The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you. Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.
Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily. This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start. So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job. I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless. I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise. Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.
OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever. I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might. I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.
Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings. “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.
One is that feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a chance, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection occurs - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: “you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"
The other is that feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you. Wow isn’t that like every child hood girls fantasy… I know its mine even if I hate to admit that.
Crazy that when I really look it up this is what I come too. I started this blog because I wanted to explore why I have such a hard time finding happiness in some of the aspects of my life where those around me find happiness so easily. This is a prime example of where I self sabotage before I ever start. So how can I increase my sense of “worth”? You cannot earn it through what you do. Happiness is not obtained solely by your achievements. Self-worth based on accomplishments is “pseudo-esteem”; it’s simply not the real thing. I have always been very confident in the work that I do and my job. I tend to use it as my “one thing” I am good at. It has allowed me to ignore all those other areas where I instead think I am worthless. I also think that I am an amazing person… But the worthless side of me is so horrified of making new friends that very few people actually know that about me, and instead I throw myself into the one really great relationship I have. I become this super best friend who would drop everything and kill for my friend, because being this super friend give me that sense of worth I don’t get otherwise. Weird… Sometimes writing this is very therapeutic and very eye opening.
OK so why am I bringing this all up especially when I wont have any sort of easy answers. Well cause this last month or two have been a challenge for my self worth. I have had a few different occasions where I have had to question if I’m worth enough to do certain things that I want to do. It’s sad that this is always probably going to be my issue and something that I have to struggle with most likely forever. I used to see a therapist and that helped me a lot come to terms with how fast something little can build into something huge in my worthlessness. He helped me to find joy in my flaws and accept my mistakes and help me see how others were foolish for not noticing. Today I have this side of me that knows those things and does live by some of those principles better then some of my peers might. I go on some of these horrible dates where people say some of the worst things ever to me, and I’m totally unfazed cause I have more worth then they would ever imagine. I have some one tell me that I am fat and I couldn’t care less, cause I know I am healthy and in shape and beautiful. But get me in a room full of people and expect me to try to be smart or witty or confident and I have no clue what to do and just do nothing instead cause in my head I have no ability of being any those things.
Ok I’ll be honest and say that I have no idea how to end this post. So I’m going to do it with a quote from a book written by my favorite author, it’s a great book and a very memorable quote. I guess kind of sums up life when I start to wallow is my own worthlessness, and words I turn to when I need to remember that I am better then these feelings. “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” With words like those how could you ever even think that you matter at all much less stress out when you don’t matter much.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
About my mom
My mom is like my best friend. Ok maybe that’s not totally right, but she is right up there at the top of the list of people I go to with my issues. We talk almost every day and even though sometimes she drives me nuts I love her so much more then I every thought I could. I think my mom is this super wonderful person who sometimes doesn’t give herself enough credit. I know that no matter what she does or says she doesn’t really have a mean bone in her body and she really wants to be a complete peacemaker never causing a riff. Sometimes I know that she is annoying about her inability to plan things and her uber spontaneous nature. But this is the same person who I can call in a moments notice and ask her to come over and help me clean my house and she totally would in a second. I know that as a fact cause I did it last week when I had friends coming to visit and it was a mess and I was over whelmed.
I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other. This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is. But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well. Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.
I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me. Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for. I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today. Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom. I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.
So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her. She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful. I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him. he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return.
I always had a strong connection with my mom as an adult. After I spent some time in other states and really trying to figure out what makes me who I am, I was able to reconnect with her on this new level, One where it’s not as her knowing everything motherly and more like us mutually respecting each other. This shift is what started to make me realize what an amazing person she is. But even now I can look back to little moments before that shift took place and see signs of this happening as well. Once when I was like 14 I begged her to take me to taco bell for dinner. Anyone who knows my mom knows how very insane her agreeing to eat here is. It’s like the exact opposite of everything she believes in as far as food choices go. But I vividly remember this meal together. And its moments like this that I know how much she loves me and always did. She sat through a dinner of greasy badly made food and soda. I doubt she remembers all about this evening but for me it’s like such a special thing because it’s like the sacrifice of her to make just for me.
I worry a lot about what will happen if my mom dies. I know that it’s kind of a morbid thing to think about but I can’t help it. She is that last link I feel like I have to whom I am as a person. She is what I kinda think about as this last link to the childhood version of me. She knows all the stories about who we are and where our family came from. And sadly she is that last person who knows about my dad. I never got to know a lot about my dad and his childhood or family, so she is that person who bridges this gap for me. Besides the fact that I’ll just plain miss the hell out of her. I have no clue whom I would go to and get support when she is gone. I have no clue who I will call if I need someone to come help me clean the house, want to take my dog for a walk, just hang out in downtown on a day off, come camping with me when none of my friends would, or any of the other really amazing things I know I call my mom for. I worry that I might not have the chance to get married or have children before my mom dies. I feel this true sense of loss that they would never get to meet this amazing person that I came from and who helped to shape me into the wonderful adult I am today. Hopefully my fears aren’t warranted but I can’t help but worry a little because she is getting older and she complains more and more about old person issues. And quite frankly I know that things like dementia run in her side of the family and I would hate to have her suffer from that even more. I would hate for her to become a shell of her former self and be an annoyance to her children like I know her mom did to her even though she would never admit it being so because of how much she loved her own mom. I guess all I can do is hope that she has a bunch more years to go.
So you may ask what is sparking this post about my mom. Well I have an appointment in a few days to get a memorial tattoo done in her honor. No I know that most times memorial tattoos are for when some one has died and I did think about waiting to get it done then, like how I did with the one for my father. But after really thinking about it, I thought why can’t I get something that she would love and enjoy seeing every day, knowing that I did it to always remember her forever. I am going to get flowers and leaves on my foot. See my mom has this awesome garden and I know that when I look back on her life, that is what I’ll remember about her. She loved to spend time making things grow and become beautiful. I’m hoping to capture that same beauty on my foot so that I will have these memories of both my parents with me every step of the rest of my life. I have an underwater scene on my other foot for my marine biologist father with fish, starfish and coral and I love it because it’s so very him. he would love to see it I know. I know that my mom will love this one and it will only show her a tiny amount of how much I love her in return.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Maybe I'm back again
When I started this blog I had no idea what to expect from it. I figured that maybe if I wrote down some of these random thoughts it would eventually make its self into something relevant. I wasn’t sure if I could go through with sharing some of the more intimate details of my life with the public, but as the months have gone by I am happy to know that some of my demons have been brought into the open and now I can account for some of my actions without having to explained them. I have no idea where I want it to go or if I’m ever going to get anything important from it. But hopefully I will some day when I look back on all the entries.
What I do know is that sometimes I just sit down without thinking I have anything to talk about and suddenly I’m writing a ton of stuff and have like four entries. This last month I felt the exact opposite. I never once went to write something down, even some of the stuff that I have been internally wrestling with. And every time I did try I would just sit here my hands hovering above the keyboard, stuck before even being able to start until I just finally gave up. See the one thing I do know is that I never wanted this Blog to become a chore. I’m not forcing myself to write even if I have nothing to write about. I’m not writing it for any of those people who read it but for myself and my own enjoyment. I’m really just hoping that maybe some day I’ll look back and feel satisfied that I spent some time to turn my random thoughts into a collection of how I became my future self.
I know this last month I have been absent. On September first I said that I was going to have to make sure I start writing things again, but as soon as I said it, I asked myself why? I mean why do I have to? I always want to feel like I can give this up the second it become too much of a task or a chore. But today as I sat down to just write a few sentence explanation about why I again have been absent; works been super busy, busy, I’ve been really tired and doing a ton of house sitting again in August. Here I am turning those few sentences into a few paragraphs, so maybe this is a sign that I am back in the mode of writing again. I guess I have honestly missed doing it so who knows maybe the month of September will be extra full of the million of things I couldn’t seem to write about in August. Or maybe this is a one time fluke and I’m never going to be able to do it again all month. This lack of pressure is why I think this whole process works for me. No it is why it works for me… No thinking about it required.
For my final note, now I do know that some of my readers have really enjoyed and do look forward to these random entries I post, and I never want you to think I do not appreciate that immensely. It’s nice to know that people are getting to know me in a way that I could never share of myself in person. I have not given up on anything with this blog instead I’m just going with the flow.
What I do know is that sometimes I just sit down without thinking I have anything to talk about and suddenly I’m writing a ton of stuff and have like four entries. This last month I felt the exact opposite. I never once went to write something down, even some of the stuff that I have been internally wrestling with. And every time I did try I would just sit here my hands hovering above the keyboard, stuck before even being able to start until I just finally gave up. See the one thing I do know is that I never wanted this Blog to become a chore. I’m not forcing myself to write even if I have nothing to write about. I’m not writing it for any of those people who read it but for myself and my own enjoyment. I’m really just hoping that maybe some day I’ll look back and feel satisfied that I spent some time to turn my random thoughts into a collection of how I became my future self.
I know this last month I have been absent. On September first I said that I was going to have to make sure I start writing things again, but as soon as I said it, I asked myself why? I mean why do I have to? I always want to feel like I can give this up the second it become too much of a task or a chore. But today as I sat down to just write a few sentence explanation about why I again have been absent; works been super busy, busy, I’ve been really tired and doing a ton of house sitting again in August. Here I am turning those few sentences into a few paragraphs, so maybe this is a sign that I am back in the mode of writing again. I guess I have honestly missed doing it so who knows maybe the month of September will be extra full of the million of things I couldn’t seem to write about in August. Or maybe this is a one time fluke and I’m never going to be able to do it again all month. This lack of pressure is why I think this whole process works for me. No it is why it works for me… No thinking about it required.
For my final note, now I do know that some of my readers have really enjoyed and do look forward to these random entries I post, and I never want you to think I do not appreciate that immensely. It’s nice to know that people are getting to know me in a way that I could never share of myself in person. I have not given up on anything with this blog instead I’m just going with the flow.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Another of my absences
I am sorry that these last few weeks I have not had a lot of posts on here. I have been very very busy and house sitting a ton for like a million different people. As I have mentioned before on this blog I recently changed jobs. I went from spending the last three years happily working my day shift with the same days off week after week after week. To suddenly working these crazy overnight and ever changing days off shifts that totally threw me for a loop. I mean I knew that going into my new job what the schedule expectations were, so that’s not what the shock was. It was trying to get my body to be on the same page.
I wasn’t able to sleep during the day for more then like 2 hours for the first two weeks. I rarely felt tired even thought I should have considering the lack of sleep I was getting. I continued to just head straight to my various volunteer activities after working my butt off like planned, and never really felt a ton of repercussions about the fact that I should have felt so worn out. I also got asked my a million people to house sit this summer so I spend a hefty part of my days driving around. This last weekend for example I was watching over four different houses. I am certainly not complaining but I will say that maybe when I said yes to it I didn’t fully understand how after working 11 hours I shouldn’t then spend another 2 driving around to take care of peoples pets. My poor pets themselves are feeling loss of me being around and I feel bad for my lack of attention, but I know I will make it up to them soon. After the first month I was like “This is awesome! If this is how doing overnights will be then I got this night shift thing figured out and its going to be rad”
Well I guess that a month was about as long as it took my body to catch up cause these last few weeks I have suddenly fallen into a system where I’m exhausted as soon as I get off. I dread going to my volunteer activities because they are preventing me from sleeping, which is all I seem to want to do once my work night is over. I am suddenly very acutely aware about the fact that I have taken so many things on in my life and worried all of the sudden that I really I’m stupid for stretching myself out so thin. It’s weird though that even with all of this I’m finding it very comforting that I am finding a normal routine again and that I am adjusted to what I have chosen to be my new life. I hope that in the next few weeks I will be back to finding the time and energy to post a bunch of awesome stuff here again, but for now you’ll have to just forgive my lack of doing so. This is life and what it does to you; sometime you have to take a little break to get back on the right page again.
I wasn’t able to sleep during the day for more then like 2 hours for the first two weeks. I rarely felt tired even thought I should have considering the lack of sleep I was getting. I continued to just head straight to my various volunteer activities after working my butt off like planned, and never really felt a ton of repercussions about the fact that I should have felt so worn out. I also got asked my a million people to house sit this summer so I spend a hefty part of my days driving around. This last weekend for example I was watching over four different houses. I am certainly not complaining but I will say that maybe when I said yes to it I didn’t fully understand how after working 11 hours I shouldn’t then spend another 2 driving around to take care of peoples pets. My poor pets themselves are feeling loss of me being around and I feel bad for my lack of attention, but I know I will make it up to them soon. After the first month I was like “This is awesome! If this is how doing overnights will be then I got this night shift thing figured out and its going to be rad”
Well I guess that a month was about as long as it took my body to catch up cause these last few weeks I have suddenly fallen into a system where I’m exhausted as soon as I get off. I dread going to my volunteer activities because they are preventing me from sleeping, which is all I seem to want to do once my work night is over. I am suddenly very acutely aware about the fact that I have taken so many things on in my life and worried all of the sudden that I really I’m stupid for stretching myself out so thin. It’s weird though that even with all of this I’m finding it very comforting that I am finding a normal routine again and that I am adjusted to what I have chosen to be my new life. I hope that in the next few weeks I will be back to finding the time and energy to post a bunch of awesome stuff here again, but for now you’ll have to just forgive my lack of doing so. This is life and what it does to you; sometime you have to take a little break to get back on the right page again.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My next major friend in my life
KD was my next major friend in my life. And like Jessica she is also a success story, albeit one that took a little longer to become that way. KD and I went to elementary school together and I’m pretty sure we were always pretty friendly but never super close. Somewhere during 7th grade just as I was starting to gain a little confidence in whom I was, and having a friend again, we started to talk along with another student named Cheryl. The three of us became kind of weird friends, with Cheryl being the leader of the trio and both I and KD being pitted against each other for the main follower role most of the time. This manipulative element of friendship became more problematic as the time went along and many times our little trio was gossiping about each other and fighting. Sometime during the 7th grade year Cheryl dropped out of school (to become a model and get home schooled) and this suddenly made me and KD free to build a really normal and healthy relationship. One that was fun and didn’t have all the bitchiness that seemed to happen when Cheryl was in the picture.
I loved hanging with KD. She brought out this whole side of me that I thought Erin had killed. With her I became this goofy, loud, funny kid who wasn’t afraid to be obnoxious and make waves. We had so much fun together. We would go to the movies and like spend our time rolling down the isles and throwing candy at each other. Just being the loud and obnoxious pre-teens we were. With KD I never stopped laughing. She became a large part of my time during that first summer. She lived with in walking distance and most days one or the other of us would head to someone’s house and hang out. One thing I remember vividly about KD is that we used to make the goofy recording of us singing songs and other random things, and to this day my uncle Bruce still asks about her, because somehow he ended up with one of these recording and really liking her. KD came from the same kind of family environment I did, she also had a older brother by almost the same amount of years as mine was, her parents were together and always super nice to me. I think because I was just as much a staple in her family as she was in mine. One time I remember her mom offering to make me these shorts. See another thing about KD that I remember is that she wore shorts every single day of the year. She was kooky but never apologized for it and I liked her so much more for that. By 8th grade she was sharing the title of best friend with Jessica and the two of them weren’t unfriendly but each held a different place in my life and for the most part our relationships were kept pretty separate.
In 8th grade my dad died. And I remember KD being around for most of the after death stuff and really being someone who I could count on. She gave me a really nice card, which strangely I still have tucked away in a box in my parents garage. She came over after the funeral and hung out with me making me laugh like she knew how to do so well. She was understanding and never treated me any different afterwards. She always said things to make me laugh and keep my mind off all the crappy stuff that was going on. For this I was so appreciative. It’s too bad that this was the last year of our friendship and the events of what ended it occurred. See at some point I started to worry about her doing things to herself that were unhealthy. I don’t want to get into too much detail because honestly it’s not important anymore and it’s not my life to tell you about. But at the age of 14 I didn’t know the best way to try to help her so I did the only thing could think of and I told people my suspicions. Needless to say that didn’t go down too well. I started with the school resources; see I had a guidance counselor who had suddenly started buzzing around me a lot more, because ya know whole death of father stuff put me on the radar, I’m sure as someone to look out for. So I went to him first, they talked to her and nothing really got resolved. Still thinking that she was hurting herself and needed help I ended up telling her mom about it. I don’t know what the outcome way of that conversation but I know that from that point on KD and I stopped being friends, and she despised me.
Looking back at my 14 year old self I have no clue if what I did was right or wrong. I do know that a few years later I again went to my friend’s parents with a concern and again ended friendships. I guess I can’t really say if I would do the same thing again today. But that was it with KD. I became the bitchy girl who told her mom a bunch of stuff that I had no right to tell, and she became another person not in my life. Just like Erin was to me. Instead I clung on to the one great friend I had left in Jessica, I made plans to spend a year over seas as and exchange student, and I started to get friendly with crazy Cheryl again. We finished our time at JR high without talking and did our three years of high school hardly saying more then two words to each other. I would watch her from afar at times with her other friends and I always see that goofy fun girl I knew, she never lost that part of herself over the years. I moved on with out her as my friend, but I admit that I missed her, I missed her more then I think I knew at the time.
But anyways like I said that the beginning of this story this is a good friendship story not a bad one. At some point when I was living in Oregon somehow one or the other of us found each other on Facebook. Yes again with the whole Facebook bring my former friends out of the woodwork. I remember having a few written conversations on email and at some point making arrangements to meet for lunch when I was in town. I was kind of nervous because it was like 15 years later and honestly had no clue what to expect. Well it went great we had a nice lunch shared stories of our life and vowed to keep in touch. When I headed back to Oregon I remember taking the time to call her, a lot of the time it was when I was going on random ranch calls and such. She was fun to talk with and knew all about animals so she was always good to talk to about my job. When I moved back to the Seattle area our lunches became more frequent and started to be more then just two old friends hanging out and more like just regular friends hanging out. We also started to hang out outside of the restaurants, going to dog parks with our dogs and other places. It was like all this drama from our youth didn’t exist anymore and we were able to find common things to share together. And she still makes me laugh with her fun stories and the fact that she is one of the goofiest people I know. In so many ways she is still the exact same person I loved at the age of 13 just in a grown up body and in a good way.
Today I consider her a great friend. She was one of the first people I called when I had gotten hurt and needed help going to the hospital. And like I knew she would she offered to drop everything and head on over to take me in the middle of the night. When I went out of the country she offered to house sit for me just because she is that good friend, and all she required in return was a thank you and a present form my vacation. When I really think about my relationships I don‘t really have too many true friendships, I know I have mentioned before I rarely seem to fight hard to keep people in my life. So I guess I’m proud of myself for making the effort with KD, because now I know that I have another real and true friend, and for that I am thankful beyond belief.
I loved hanging with KD. She brought out this whole side of me that I thought Erin had killed. With her I became this goofy, loud, funny kid who wasn’t afraid to be obnoxious and make waves. We had so much fun together. We would go to the movies and like spend our time rolling down the isles and throwing candy at each other. Just being the loud and obnoxious pre-teens we were. With KD I never stopped laughing. She became a large part of my time during that first summer. She lived with in walking distance and most days one or the other of us would head to someone’s house and hang out. One thing I remember vividly about KD is that we used to make the goofy recording of us singing songs and other random things, and to this day my uncle Bruce still asks about her, because somehow he ended up with one of these recording and really liking her. KD came from the same kind of family environment I did, she also had a older brother by almost the same amount of years as mine was, her parents were together and always super nice to me. I think because I was just as much a staple in her family as she was in mine. One time I remember her mom offering to make me these shorts. See another thing about KD that I remember is that she wore shorts every single day of the year. She was kooky but never apologized for it and I liked her so much more for that. By 8th grade she was sharing the title of best friend with Jessica and the two of them weren’t unfriendly but each held a different place in my life and for the most part our relationships were kept pretty separate.
In 8th grade my dad died. And I remember KD being around for most of the after death stuff and really being someone who I could count on. She gave me a really nice card, which strangely I still have tucked away in a box in my parents garage. She came over after the funeral and hung out with me making me laugh like she knew how to do so well. She was understanding and never treated me any different afterwards. She always said things to make me laugh and keep my mind off all the crappy stuff that was going on. For this I was so appreciative. It’s too bad that this was the last year of our friendship and the events of what ended it occurred. See at some point I started to worry about her doing things to herself that were unhealthy. I don’t want to get into too much detail because honestly it’s not important anymore and it’s not my life to tell you about. But at the age of 14 I didn’t know the best way to try to help her so I did the only thing could think of and I told people my suspicions. Needless to say that didn’t go down too well. I started with the school resources; see I had a guidance counselor who had suddenly started buzzing around me a lot more, because ya know whole death of father stuff put me on the radar, I’m sure as someone to look out for. So I went to him first, they talked to her and nothing really got resolved. Still thinking that she was hurting herself and needed help I ended up telling her mom about it. I don’t know what the outcome way of that conversation but I know that from that point on KD and I stopped being friends, and she despised me.
Looking back at my 14 year old self I have no clue if what I did was right or wrong. I do know that a few years later I again went to my friend’s parents with a concern and again ended friendships. I guess I can’t really say if I would do the same thing again today. But that was it with KD. I became the bitchy girl who told her mom a bunch of stuff that I had no right to tell, and she became another person not in my life. Just like Erin was to me. Instead I clung on to the one great friend I had left in Jessica, I made plans to spend a year over seas as and exchange student, and I started to get friendly with crazy Cheryl again. We finished our time at JR high without talking and did our three years of high school hardly saying more then two words to each other. I would watch her from afar at times with her other friends and I always see that goofy fun girl I knew, she never lost that part of herself over the years. I moved on with out her as my friend, but I admit that I missed her, I missed her more then I think I knew at the time.
But anyways like I said that the beginning of this story this is a good friendship story not a bad one. At some point when I was living in Oregon somehow one or the other of us found each other on Facebook. Yes again with the whole Facebook bring my former friends out of the woodwork. I remember having a few written conversations on email and at some point making arrangements to meet for lunch when I was in town. I was kind of nervous because it was like 15 years later and honestly had no clue what to expect. Well it went great we had a nice lunch shared stories of our life and vowed to keep in touch. When I headed back to Oregon I remember taking the time to call her, a lot of the time it was when I was going on random ranch calls and such. She was fun to talk with and knew all about animals so she was always good to talk to about my job. When I moved back to the Seattle area our lunches became more frequent and started to be more then just two old friends hanging out and more like just regular friends hanging out. We also started to hang out outside of the restaurants, going to dog parks with our dogs and other places. It was like all this drama from our youth didn’t exist anymore and we were able to find common things to share together. And she still makes me laugh with her fun stories and the fact that she is one of the goofiest people I know. In so many ways she is still the exact same person I loved at the age of 13 just in a grown up body and in a good way.
Today I consider her a great friend. She was one of the first people I called when I had gotten hurt and needed help going to the hospital. And like I knew she would she offered to drop everything and head on over to take me in the middle of the night. When I went out of the country she offered to house sit for me just because she is that good friend, and all she required in return was a thank you and a present form my vacation. When I really think about my relationships I don‘t really have too many true friendships, I know I have mentioned before I rarely seem to fight hard to keep people in my life. So I guess I’m proud of myself for making the effort with KD, because now I know that I have another real and true friend, and for that I am thankful beyond belief.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
What driving across the state makes me think about.
Ok this is going to be a weird post I already know it. But I have spent the last few days driving from one side of the state to the next and then back again, the whole way I kept seeing those little road side crosses all over the place. I hate those little road side crosses for some reason, so I though I would ramble about them for a little bit. I guess part of the reason I dislike them is because I don’t get why they are placed on the road side. OK so yes I know first had how sad it is to loose someone you love and I totally understand why you want to have a spot to morn their life. I mean it’s sad that someone lost their life on that stretch of the highway. And I guess everyone needs to feel like they are getting a little closure. But seriously why do they choose to place a constant reminder right on the site of your loved one death. I mean is it some place you are going to want to return to time and time again? I highly doubt that honestly. I figure it boils down to a few different things, number one is that some sort of tragic accident occurred right at that very spot and some morning family member what’s to leave a forever reminder of that horrible event for the world to see. See here is my problem with that. I mean if it was because this family member is in morning and wants to have this place of remembrance… Why don‘t you ever see the freaking people coming back to morn at the spot. Ok yes, sometimes you see some random silk flower and a laminated picture or two. But unless the tragic event occurred in the last two months, those silk flowers are so faded and dirty that they just look like brown mud covered ugly bushes. The pictures that had been left are starting to incinerate and words are getting all wind blown with the passing traffic to the point where you can no longer comprehend them. So I find it hard to believe that someone would pick placing this as there collective spot of morning when I bet there are a million cemeteries around with well tended too gardens and even fresh kept flowers galore. And probably much more easy to access when you do feel the urge to remember this persons life, because it wont require a drive to the middle of nowhere and stand along the side of a busy highway in morning.
So I think that people place the crosses less as a place to morn a loss, and more as a reminder to those of us who drive by and see the little cross as we pass. Reminding us that roads are dangerous and that you might die so pay attention and whatnot. And I‘ll admit that when I catch one of these little crosses covered with all the collective brown wind blown junk attached to it, I do take that extra few seconds to see if I can figure out what happened to that person. But honestly it’s like such a contradiction that this is what the purpose of them is. I mean it’s really just something that actually catches your eye and distracts you just a slight amount form concentrating on driving, and possibly causing just enough lack of attention to the road around you therefore causing you to get in an accident yourself. And heck maybe that accident will cause another death of another person or yourself, therefore allowing another lame roadside cross to get put up and perpetuating the whole turn of events all over again. Ok so maybe that’s being kind of over dramatic but part of me kind of thinks that way. I mean it does just cause you to draw attention away from the road and makes you try to see if you can read any of the left over trinkets that have remained blowing around in the wind still attached. What if at that same moment someone brakes really fast in front of you? See it could happen.
I guess I do understand that need to feel like you are doing something after someone close to you dies. And I also understand that whole feeling that maybe leaving a little trinket will make some sort of difference to the world, because in times like that you feel so completely hopeless that you try to find anything to be your cause. So I guess I can forgive the crosses to some extent. I just wish that these same people who put them up would take responsibility for taking them down. Who knows maybe it would be just as healing to get some closure removing it from the tragic scene of the accident. Getting to relive in all those trinket’s meaning and beginning to move forward. Anyways I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and I have no clue what the right or wrong thing to do is in a horrid situation like loosing someone in an accident along the said of the road. But like I said these last few days I spend driving a lot and kept seeing them all over the place and it started to be the thing I couldn’t get out of my head.
So I think that people place the crosses less as a place to morn a loss, and more as a reminder to those of us who drive by and see the little cross as we pass. Reminding us that roads are dangerous and that you might die so pay attention and whatnot. And I‘ll admit that when I catch one of these little crosses covered with all the collective brown wind blown junk attached to it, I do take that extra few seconds to see if I can figure out what happened to that person. But honestly it’s like such a contradiction that this is what the purpose of them is. I mean it’s really just something that actually catches your eye and distracts you just a slight amount form concentrating on driving, and possibly causing just enough lack of attention to the road around you therefore causing you to get in an accident yourself. And heck maybe that accident will cause another death of another person or yourself, therefore allowing another lame roadside cross to get put up and perpetuating the whole turn of events all over again. Ok so maybe that’s being kind of over dramatic but part of me kind of thinks that way. I mean it does just cause you to draw attention away from the road and makes you try to see if you can read any of the left over trinkets that have remained blowing around in the wind still attached. What if at that same moment someone brakes really fast in front of you? See it could happen.
I guess I do understand that need to feel like you are doing something after someone close to you dies. And I also understand that whole feeling that maybe leaving a little trinket will make some sort of difference to the world, because in times like that you feel so completely hopeless that you try to find anything to be your cause. So I guess I can forgive the crosses to some extent. I just wish that these same people who put them up would take responsibility for taking them down. Who knows maybe it would be just as healing to get some closure removing it from the tragic scene of the accident. Getting to relive in all those trinket’s meaning and beginning to move forward. Anyways I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and I have no clue what the right or wrong thing to do is in a horrid situation like loosing someone in an accident along the said of the road. But like I said these last few days I spend driving a lot and kept seeing them all over the place and it started to be the thing I couldn’t get out of my head.
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