Thoughts on death

I have never handled death very good. I mean I guess part of why I think that is, is because I have only had to deal with it a few times in my life. I mean the most obvious case is my father dying. And I have never felt that I handled that situation very well, but I mean it’s not like there is this set of rules you’re supposed to follow. I just know that I allowed myself to become distant and close down as soon as he got sick, and after he passed I shut myself off completely pretending that things were the exact same. Its wasn’t until years later I had my first real honest cry about loosing my father. And now I think I have this hyper grief going on where I still find things about him or him being gone that make me tear up frequently.  It’s weird, I have partly chalked it up to age, because I was a preteen when he died, and at that point in your life you don’t have much of a handle on your emotional state. But I also think part of it is due to the fact that until that event, I never really lost someone or something close to me.

My Grandpa died when I was young like a little kid. He lived in Wisconsin and although we saw him, it wasn’t like he saw him very regularly.  The one time that sticks out is when we (my brother and I) spent all this time cleaning the cellar once while we were visiting, and as a reward he gave us like a quarter apiece to spend as we please. It was soooo not worth it. Sad that I remember my grandpa as a penny pitching old man. LOL But I remember coming home from ballet practice and having my mom tell me that he died. I hugged her and I cried.  But it didn’t seem all that awful. I remember being at the funeral and having my cousin Kevin crack me up and give me piggy back rides and called me Maavee (which I hated!). It was fun actually… Weird that even then I had this pretend nothing bad happened mentality in place.  When I was about the same age I remember putting my family dog to sleep Mr. Moot. He was old I guess, and other then that I’m not able to recall if he had other issues he was fighting. Again it was sad and I cried but I was quickly able to recover from it and was back to playing soon afterward.

When I started to have my own animals is when I started to show a little more emotion towards their passing. I mean both my cats that have died have been grieved greatly. My dog Bandit, who I just recently was hit with one of those waves of grief about, is a constant sad thought in my brain.  But I think it’s the fact that I don’t know many immediate people in my life that have passed away, that make me weary about how my handling skills really are. Ok so why am I bringing all this up anyways. Well it’s because one of my riders who I have been helping to ride at the horse place I volunteer at, named Alana is dying of cancer and the other day it hit me that I was really upset about it.  See Alana is this super awesome woman who is a survivor in every definition of the word. She was always a confident rider and being that she has rode horses for 35 years, many times got to be a leader in the class, choosing the drills and tasks for the rest of the class. Alana has had a rough life to say the least. She is in a wheel chair full time and has had many surgeries on various body parts, over the years. I’m pretty sure that she initially had a head injury that took away her ability to walk and talk, but I have never really known for sure. She is one of the kindest and funniest people I have ever met. She makes jokes and sarcastic comments about the people she is close with. She is sweet and kind and really just an incredibly genuine woman.  She has never shown any sort of pity about her life or situation. She just moves forward being a survivor and finding ways for her to accomplish things she wants to do. She faces adversity head on and I have always admired her for not being weak.

I have been her volunteer for the last 9 months and at the beginning of this most recent session; one of the staff members pulled me and another of Alana’s long time volunteers aside and told us the news. Alana had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she is unable to have treatment, because of her other issues so it is going to kill her. She is going to get weaker and weaker but they want to allow her to ride for a long as she is able, although it’s going to affect how her abilities and stamina will be. It was heartbreaking news and especially for someone who had faced so many challenges already in life. Alana made it clear that she didn’t want everyone to know, but because we were close to her it was best that we did.  She also didn’t want any sort of pity about her and she is not one what wants to seek out pity if it’s given. She just wants people to treat her as normal and as they always do.  I can understand that just from my own life experiences and so I and the other woman readily agreed.  Over the last few weeks she has indeed gotten weaker and weaker. She needs to take more frequent breaks, depends more and more on me as her side walker to really push her body up for support, and she has last a ton of weight and has a very prominent yellow tinge to her skin.  But week after week she comes and rides knowing that its something she can use as an escape from her demons in life. Horses are so accepting; they have no expectations and require little in return. They are a great healer. Last Monday Alana was at the worst I have ever seen her. She didn’t make it very long until she asked to dismount saying that continuing was too hard on her body. She knows she has good and bad days and this was a bad one. I could tell that it was very upsetting to her and to be honest I felt so heartbroken for her as well.

I remember being around 13 and even then I was kind of a snoopy kid. I commonly read trash and recycle letters and papers, seeing if I could discover some hidden info.  One day I discovered this letter to my grandma that my father wrote. It was after he had been diagnosed and starting to show signs of his illness. He talked about how he had to stop doing certain things because of his health he went in to detail about it in this letter and I could feel his pain even with reading it… It was really sad to read.  Because it was really the first time that it hit me,; that knowing there are things out there, that you love doing, and want to do, but having the inability to actually do them, has to suck. It’s like your already sick and dying, but super suck that you have to give up all the things you love as well. That was really the first time I felt the real reality of what my dad was going through and I was really sad that he wasn’t this man anymore. He was no longer the soccer ref, or fisherman, or photographer. He was just sick and dying now. A shell of whom he used to be and as much as I know he would never have wanted to be thought of as that way he knew it.  Being 13 this knowledge hit me hard and honestly that was probably part of why I pulled away from my father so much. I didn’t want him to stop being all those things to me. I wanted to keep him as that strong capable person as long as I was able.

Alana is starting to become the same way now. She is starting to not be able to get on her horse and ride.  The one thing I know she loves more then anything in the world. The one thing I now makes her truly happy and brings joy to her. But I owe it to her to not do the same thing as I did with my father and pull away from her. It hard for me to face death, I have always thought that I do a crappy job of it. But with Alana I am going to try my very best to not make the same mistakes. Because I want her to know that people love and support her regardless of weather she rides or not. And if she just wants to come pet, groom, or give the horses carrots and hay. I’m going to be right next to her sharing those same experiences with her.  Life isn’t fair… But you can learn and grow and that what I want to do. I’m going to miss her a ton when she is gone. It’s amazing how much she has already touched my life in 9 months.  But she’s not gone yet so I’m not going to give up on her until she is.