Erin

So continuing on in exploring my early relationships and how they have affected my life. This is the next installment. Enjoy.

I know that I had told you about how I had to move in 4th grade and that it wasn’t really the best experience for me. Well at some point at the bus stop down the street I started to be come friends with another rider named Erin and soon my life improved greatly. Erin became my end of elementary school best friend although I hate to say it she also became the first friend to really show me how much friendship can hurt you too.  But again I’m jumping way ahead of myself.  Erin lived down the street from me and that because one of the things that kept us so close. She was the person who when I was just bored I would be able to walk down to and hang out with even if just for a few minutes. She was more popular then I was but it was ok because I never really lost that new kid persona and she didn’t seem to mind much. Her family was super nice and always welcomed me into the house. We were able to have many sleep over’s both at her house and my house equally.

 Erin was one of those friends who liked to come to my house because she thought my brother was cute. He also seemed to like Erin because a lot of the time I remember my brother being in the back ground as Erin and I hung out or watched TV. Erin was the person who introduced me to many of the TV shows I wasn’t able to watch at home. She and I would ride our bikes around the street and visit various other kids that lived around the area. We would go on these huge adventures in the back yard creating different imaginary world and stories to act out. Sometimes other kids would be involved but mostly it was just the two of us. I don’t really remember how the dynamic of our friend ship went. I can’t recall if one of us was the more dominant friend or if it was shared equally.  All I know is that for two years it was nice having that best friend in my life again that person who I tell everything to the second it happens and who I can count on to be around no matter what.

 I do remember having random fights. Once I remember that she was “gong out “with this kid in our grade named Scott. Scott used to come over a lot and she would always want me to be there with her because she didn’t want to be alone with him.  I never minded cause hanging out with them was fun but at some point I remember her getting upset cause Scott started to talk to me a lot more then her. I think because I was just the goofy friend who didn’t feel the need to act impressive or anything like she did. It was all just innocent but it caused a fairly big fight between us.  But like all those dumb fights eventually friendship ultimately won out and we recovered and went on like nothing happened. 

The summer after elementary school is the summer that changed my life forever. I remember that I was going on a family vacation early on driving back to Wisconsin to visit my mother’s family with her and my brother. Erin gave me a cassette of the pretty woman soundtrack that quickly because all I listened to for the ride.  Having to take this trip meant that I missed out on things that were going on at the Jr high we were going to attend next year but I trusted Erin to figure out all the details for me and fill me in when I got back.   I came back and eagerly went to her house to hear all about what I had missed and it was obvious that something had changed. She just seemed kind of distant and wasn’t very excited about hanging out. As summer went on we both took a few other trips and also sometimes did fall into the normal groove of our friendship. I remember one day spent that the local pool having a blast swimming all day together and riding our bikes back home as if nothing had ever changed. 

Pretty close to the end of summer my family had planned on taking a tri p up to Canada with my father to a lake and doing some fishing. Almost right before we were scheduled to leave my dad said that he wasn’t able to go and instead my brother got to invite his close friend to come instead. It was a fund trip spent at the lake with the boat able to go fishing and swimming. When we returned a few days later my father sat me and my brother down, and told us that the reason he wasn’t able to come is because he had this disease called ALS. It had made it impossible to fish because his hands didn’t work anymore to do small things, and eventually he was going to die from it. He said that he and my mom had held off telling us because they wanted us to be older and able to handle it but that if he had come on the trip it would have been obvious because you could tell something was wrong.  It was to this day the worst thing I have ever been told and honestly how do you handle that news? I remember my dad asking if we had any questions but I have no clear if either of us had any. I just remember wanting to get out of the house as fast as I could. I instantly decided to head over to Erin’s and tell her the news. I mean she would know what to do with this info and she would help me to process it. She was my best friend right. I remember going to her house and her dad answered the door assaying she was at the doctors but would be home soon.  I walked up and down the street bawling my eyes out waiting for her to return and finally I saw her car pull around the corner. I told her the news about my dad expecting some symphony or sadness, but surprisingly she said she was sorry but couldn’t hang that night and I had to go. It was very much not the reaction I was expecting.  But I felt better having told someone else about my father so I went home and dealt with my family about this huge news.

 Two days later she called me and asked me to come over. I walked down to her house and she told me that she no longer wanted to be my friend. She said that she had been feeling like this for a few weeks now and that she had talked to her mom about it and her mom agreed that if she wasn’t happy she shouldn’t be my friend any more. That was it. OK to her credit she may have told me reasons why she didn’t want to be my friend anymore but with all that was going on in my life I have completely forgotten them now. And honestly is there any sort of good reason to say that to someone. I mean what 12 year old wants to hear that they aren’t good enough o to be your friend anymore. Especially when your timing is so crappy that you make this announcement like days after that said friend found out her father is sick and dying. What a horrid thing to do.

Erin took away a huge chunk of my innocence that summer. She hurt me more then I could ever imagine; and she showed me that friendship, even at its very best, can be taken away instantly and unfairly. It made me not ever want to have someone hurt me again and I think from that point on I started to build up walls to prevent people getting close.  A week later we started JR high.  She seemed to be totally unaffected by loosing me as a friend, quickly resuming with the same group that we had in elementary school and being part of that popular crowd. Me I was lost. I didn’t feel like I had any friends and my dad was dying. So I mean, how do you make friends with that being the huge event that occurred over the summer? How was your summer vacation Martha? Well it started out great ,we took some trips, but now my dad has this super bad disease and is going to die soon.  How about you? I mean imagine being 12 and having that conversation over and over again with fellow 12 year olds.  This is probably what started my road to hating school.

I was miserable, more miserable then I had been before and I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone and everything in my life just felt awkward.  So I threw myself into the only area I loved which was singing. I stopped trying to talk to my dad,  I yelled at my mom a lot,  I grew distant from my brother, who seemed to have a million friends around to support him and help him figure it all out and made it all seem  so easy,   instead I handled stuff alone. I became quiet, recluse, and shy.   I lost the things that made me the funny, loud, confident and vivacious kid I once was. 

 It’s weird, even now looking back I feel a lot of bitterness towards Erin even though I rationally know that I can’t blame her. The timing of life just sucked for  me that summer, but for some reason I still have a lot of resentment towards her. Maybe it’s just nicer to blame someone for making my life miserable instead of blaming nobody for making my dad get sick.  Who knows? What I know is that I don’t hold her responsible or anything, and honestly I don’t have any sort of ill will towards her. She was just a kid as well and honestly probably didn’t understand how her actions were shaping my life that day. And heck maybe I legitimately did something horrible, that was totally worth ending our friendship over.  I don’t honestly know. I just know that the whole thing sucked ass and I have never really been able to move past it.  And sadly I still tend to keep people at arms length, because what Erin did teach me is that even the best friendships can be over in just an instant, so don’t allow yourself to get to close to fast. Not the best lesson I know, and trust me I am trying hard to break these habits.  But it’s hard to, its really hard.