the sadness of rehab

 I was at the wildlife place today and it turned out to be kind of a bummer.  When I arrived we had a whole ward of animals that had come in over the prior 24 hours.  The very first thing you have to do is make food for everyone. Each kind of animal has its own special dietary need so you sometimes end up with 12 different batches of food needing to be made.  A lot of the animals especially the birds need to be tube fed so they also may need various kinds of slurry made in addition. After preparing all the food you deliver it to the prospective places. They have a ward where most of the birds are, a nursery which tends to be mostly small mammals, and then the basement is where all the babies will end up when spring hits and the craziness starts, but right now the basement is home to the feeder rat cages.   They also have the area called the hill where there are many different cages and animals that hang out sometimes for 10 days and sometimes for years depending on their needs.

After you have your dishes made with each patients food. You next need to get weights on them all and then transfer everyone into clean cages to perform all treatments required. Today we had a bunch of birds in the ward that needed care. One was a juvenile gull with a broken wing. He had to be tube fed and wasn’t all that nice about it. We also had a crow that wasn’t doing so great. He had a head tilt and also wasn’t eating well on his own so we were tube feeding him and he also needed antibiotics and subcutaneous fluids. It was my first time giving SQ fluids to a bird and I have to admit not nearly the same as a cat or dog. There were some baby pigeons that were all in various stages of growing so all four also needed to be tube fed. And then a bunch of random other birds to be weighed and cleaned. It took about an hour and a half to get all the ward animals taken care off.

Next we (I and Maureen my fellow volunteer) moved to the nursery. All that was in the nursery was an adult squirrel that was attacked by a dog and not using its hand legs. Something I have learned since starting there is that adult squirrels are mean little buggers, and when they are injured and unable to move their hind end, it seems to bring out that meanness in spades.   Anyways despite him hissing and slapping at me I was able to get him wrapped up in a towel and weighed and the medications given. . After doing the basement feeder rats, oh and the feeder rats are the only animal you can talk to or cuddle but they are also wild and so they will bite ya if you try.  Next I headed outside and do all the hill animals. At this time of year we don’t have any animals out on the hill. There is one aviary with four pigeons hanging out trying to get a little more fattened up till they get released, there is another aviary with five song birds that are all also working to get more body weight on em till they also can be released, there are a few super cute squirrels that are in partial hibernation since its so cold that you just have to check on and make sure they haven’t died, and a  lone raccoon with an eye infection. Man raccoons are so cute… The nice thing about the hill animals is that they are healthy enough and all eating on their own so no one needs the daily weights or medications like the inside animals do. It makes it much easier.
 

this is not the injured one but a healthy on up on the hill

 Once you have everything all feed and cleaned you start doing all the boring cleaning tasks and at his time the vet and the rehabilitaters go around to every animal and they get an assessment plan made for the day.  See a lot of times this is the first time these animals get examined by a vet and also this is the time that many of them get the decision that there injuries are too extreme to be saved. Unfortunately this was the decision made for the adult squirrel this morning.  I know that I have mentioned the differences in wild life rehab verses clinic work in the past but today was another day when it really showed how extreme those differences really are.  See I was doing laundry and part of that is to restock the cabinets in the ward and nursery with clean laundry. I went back into the nursery where the squirrel was a few hours before and all of the sudden his cage was empty. There was no announcement of his death given. He just wasn’t there any longer and you know that is the only reason why he would be gone. Going into the ward restocking the laundry there was also how I  learned that the gull and the crow had the same unfortunate fate.

this is another one that is healthy and doing great.

This is the part that I find so sad. I mean I get it, I really do. But see in my clinic we sometimes go out the way to make sure everyone knows an animal got put down. The owners get to be around for as much or as little as they want. And everyone takes the time to just give a few little strokes to the animal both as its happening and even afterwords. We try to handle the deceased with extremely gentle care and placing them in the freezer in as nice a position as possible.  In animal rehab there is none of that. Its not that nobody cares, because we do, but it’s a much more emotionless process. I left this afternoon after my shift was over and as I got into my car I couldn’t help but bawl my eyes out for the poor crow and gull and squirrel. I felt bad that their last hours were spent being tube fed, manhandled and poked… I was sad that I never got to say goodbye, or wish them well, or heck even say a little player into the world for em.  It makes me sad that none of them had an owner who would now be missing them. And it makes me sadder that they had to die alone.  I hope that none of them had little animal families waiting for them to come  back home to them.  I know you are not supposed to think of it that way but it’s hard not too.

This is not a picture of the crow today just a cool picture I found online that I thought fit.

I know that what we do is good and I understand that this is a huge part of the process. I can accept and appreciate this.  But some days its harder then others especially when your as sensitive as I am. I hate this part, the part where you have to deem an animal unsavable.  I get it I really do, but I still cry for them all. I just hope that that the crow understands how much I appreciated being able to learn how to give SQ fluids on him today. If nothing else I hope he is proud that his life allowed me to learn a new skill and for that I am forever grateful.  If I would have known that they were going to die a few hours after we had handled them maybe I could have done something to make its last few hours better, like a gentle pet, a calming touch,  or a kind word,. All things that you cannot do in rehab but you do all the time in veterinary medicine and it kind of sucks. Today I wish I could have been more of a vet tech instead of just a wildlife caretaker.

finding happiness

A few months ago I wasn’t very happy. I didn’t think that I loved my life very much and I was trying to figure out why. I used to spend my days off watching my twin nieces I did it for two days a week, 10 hour days, week after week after week. I loved being able to see them and the extra money allowed me to pay off a good part of my debt.  It was a win win except for the fact that I didn’t get much time off on my days off from my real job. I stopped watching them in August and was suddenly thrown back into the wonderful world of 3 days weekends. I should have been thrilled instead I found myself being miserable.  I thought that it was my job that was bothering me. I mean I do a very specific thing with such a small group of people that if the work place balance is off there you can really feel the shift.  I really just thought that I was growing kind of bored of the mundane parts of my job and maybe craving something more exciting like going back to emergency work.  I so thought that this was the case, that I went as far as have interviews and get offers at other places in town.  I never ended up taking any of those jobs and thank god I didn’t. See what I realized is that it wasn’t my job I was bored with, it was the fact that I had allowed my job to be the only thing going on in my life, and so when that went bad it meant my life went bad.  Does that make sense?

See I went to work all day did the same kind of stuff every day. I made great friends with my co-workers; one of my co-workers became one of my very close friends, you know the kind of friend who you do the friend stuff with like get drinks,  see movies, and meet up with when you’re bored. When I wasn’t working I talked to my co-workers, I sat at home and surfed the web or watched movies.  I would try to date but most of them were met with disastrous results and I would go lament about those bad dates to my co-workers. I don’t make enough money to take many weekend trips but when I would it was either alone or with my mom going camping.  I don’t seem have all that many friends outside of my work place, and the few that I do have are in other states or have more of a life then I did.  I was allowing my job to be my everything, and I didn’t even realize it. And the fact that I spent so many months having two of my three days off be all about more work. (Well watching two babies) I started to find myself becoming resentful about my job.

But like I said,  it wasn’t my job that I hated, it was that fact that all I had in my life was this job. Once I realized this I knew that I had to figure out a way to get myself involved in other kinds of things to make myself happy and meet people outside of my work place. Luckily I never took any of those other jobs because then I would have been more miserable. Instead I really took a long and hard look at what I wanted in the upcoming years. I started taking steps to reach those goals. So I enrolled in classes that I needed and made appointments to have conversations with people involved in the areas I wanted to join in.  I tried to find a few places to do some volunteer work at. I have always liked doing volunteer work, and I have always gotten such positive rewards for giving just your time to a worthy cause. I found a place in the area that does wild life rehab (I mentioned this once before) I started to spend my Tuesday mornings there. I found a place where you help disabled kids and adults incorporate horse riding into therapy sessions and I started to spend my Monday mornings there.  I found a great group of people who work doing ferret rescue at a shelter close by where they currently have 80+ ferrets for adoption., Most of them are given up for the same kind of reasons that turtles are and they just need people who are willing to spend a few hours a week to socialize and help clean cages. I started helping out here every other Sunday for a few hours.  I am also trying to see my little sister weekly in the afternoons after her schools out.

I have found in the last few months that I now have a super full schedule. I have to constantly check my p0hone’s calendar to figure out what I am doing and when. But what I have also done is found a whole bunch of people who I talk and socialize with who are not co-workers. I am no longer just thinking about my horrid dating life. Actually I have pretty much stopped dating and don’t really miss it. I mean when do I have time to date right now?  I have met some really amazing people who I can now consider friends. And because of this I am really enjoying my job again. See now that my job isn’t my everything…when I have a bad day at work ,or when something bad happens, or someone pisses me off,  I can take it for what it really truly is… Just a bad day at work. I am better now at my work because it’s just that, its just work. Not my world… It’s a place that I go to and when I leave I leave.  I love my job again, I love what I do again,  I love it that when I have a day off I am so busy that I don’t have time to worry about work. I love that I have friends who are not co-workers. I love that I surround myself with people who have similar interests and share the same philosophy as I do now both at work and not at work.  I love that when I get to come back to work it’s a chance to be involved in something that I love doing and away from all my other crazy activities.

 I am busy I’ll admit. Sometimes like today I leave the house at 7:30 and have non stop things until 7 pm when I came home tonight.  Or tomorrow where things look to be shaping up the same way. It’s not always relaxing anymore to have a day off. Actually it’s not relaxing at all because all these volunteer places are very very physically demanding. But they are making me find fulfillment, and therefore I am ecstatic. It’s a great balance and I truly found happiness with all these activities that I have immersed myself in.   I have out side activities that are important, fulfilling, and satisfying. And I have a job that I love to go to, love who I work with, and is important, fulfilling and satisfying.

Social skills

I have never been a very social person. Wait I take that back. When I was a kid I was super social with people who I knew. My parent’s friends would probably all describe me as a goofy weird kid who never shut up.  But there was this flip side to it, where I would be horrified to have to ask people what the time was because I had to meet my mom in the mall by a certain time and I didn’t like to wear a watch.  When I turned into a teenager something happened that made me suddenly become this socially inept person I am today.

 I mean looking back I kinda get what happened. A year after my dad died I went to New Zealand as an exchange student, and subsequently had one of the worst experiences of my life, just due to the fact that my host family was atrocious.  Maybe it was partly my own fault but who knows because I was too damaged and immature to want to figure it out at the time.  When they finally kicked me out and the program sent me home I was left feeling quite worthless. Months after wards my brother went off to college and suddenly found his own life,  flourishing in this independent environment that I had earlier failed in. I was always quite envious of my brother growing up and this sure didn’t help that matter any. My mom also started to jump into the wide world of dating and hence pushed me to the back burner. It was the combo of all this and more that made it seem like I didn’t really matter all that much anyways, so I basically just stopped trying.  I mean “why would anyone want to talk to me” and “what would I bring to a conversation” were basically the mantras my unconscious said over and over inside my brain.

I suddenly became afraid to talk to people. Afraid to tell people about my life and found that if I moved around a lot I could pretty much be what I wanted when I wanted to. It was like playing a sick twisted imaginary game. I went to school, made friends on the surface with my classmates and co-workers, then left and never saw any of them again. I never tried too hard and never got seriously with anything. I told my self that I was independent, worldly, didn’t need other people around to make me complete. But really I’m terrified, lonely and still fighting with that  childhood feeling of worthlessness. I don’t talk to strangers, I become the goofy co-worker to avoid being deep, I hate going to parties because I have no clue what to talk about, I’m horrified of social situations and even more so of strangers.   It sucks because once you loose a part of yourself you never fully get it back. Well at least it sure doesn’t seem like you do.

I am bringing up all this back story for a reason besides just rambling. I went to a concert on Friday. I was supposed to meet up with my Stepsister and her friend but she wasn’t feeling well and canceled earlier in the day.  I seriously thought about not going… Last week was a rough one for me and I was pretty exhausted. But I felt like I should go because my sister went through all this trouble to get me in and I didn’t want to seem unappreciative of that fact. I figured I would have a drink or two and them leave an hour or two later.  I arrived about an hour before doors opened so I went to the bar, got a beer, and sat in a chair playing with the various apps on my phone being anti social like always. When the doors opened I went inside the venue and found a chair in the back side of the bar where I could see the stage but also have an easy way out when the place filled up because it was a sold out venue.  I expected that to be it for my night. I figured I would sit there for an hour or two nursing my beer and playing with my phone until I left early and went to bed. What happened instead shocked me.

There was a woman sitting in front of me also by herself. She seemed to be a few years older but seemed cool due to the fact that she had on awesome Gothic jewelry. She asked e a very basic question abut something simple. I answered and then something just hit me. Here was my chance to just try… I mean that’s all I want to do this year is to try to be this person that I have dreamed about being.  So I just talked to her. I asked if she was here alone? had ever seen the band before? and other various basic questions. I tried not to be terrified, I tried ever harder to not think I was wasting her time, I instead just tried to think of her as anyone other then a stranger, more like someone I have know a long time and just ran into. Eventually she asked me stuff back about myself, and before too long she told me to pull my chair over to her table while we waited for her friend and had conversation.  When her friend arrived she sat down on the other side of me so I was between the two of them. No body seemed to think it was weird.  I mean this stranger was sandwiched between too long time friends. We had normal conversation  about everything under the sun, and talked like we were old friends.  It was so out side of where my comfort zone is I was shocked that I felt so freaking comfortable.  I ended up staying for the entire show.

Taken from my phone from our far away seats. Bad quality I know

The opening act... not my favorite. Also not a great pic.

At the end of the show… We all parted ways with a nice to meet you. I never exchanged numbers or emails with them. I might never see them again actually I bet I wont. I almost said “thanks for letting me hang out with you guys” but I figured that was the wrong thing to say. See I need to stop thinking they did me this huge favor.  They probably don’t even realize what an impact they had on my life that night. Normally I would say that I bet to them I didn’t  even matter.   But this new non worthless person is going to say I did.  I made their night even more enjoyable then it would have been if we hadn’t talked. I need to just realize that all I did was go outside my comfort zone and it paid off. Maybe this will prompt me to do it again sometime or maybe not…See this year I really am trying to stop waiting for moments to just randomly happen. I am realizing that you have to put a little work into getting fate moving along in the right direction. 

The band and the sea of people watching them

man my phone has a shitty camera huh!

Frustrated

Let’s talk about frustration… What is it about being so frustrated that you cant see straight and totally ruins your whole day. I hate when that happens.  I used to live close to my best friend when I lived in small town Oregon. It was so nice to be able to just stop in and have someone around to vent everything out to. Today she is across the state and having some of her own life issues so it’s much harder to get in touch with her and when we do the last thing we want to talk about are our frustrations.  But I miss her not just for being my best friend,but also because I now have so few people to really just vent my frustrations to. OK I also miss her for a million other reasons but I won't go in to those right now. I know that having this open forum to just talk about whatever come to mind was part of why I wanted to start this blog. But it seems weird to just go off about all the stuff that I want to vent about in it. So I’m going to cut it short tonight and just say that I had a bad day, I’m glad it’s over ,and I’m going to try to get to bed early so tomorrow will be here sooner and start over again.

busy me today...

I have to make this post short today for two reasons. First cause I really had a mundane day where not much exciting went on. Second because its 10:39 pm as I'm writing this and I just walked in the door at 10:10pm, for the first time since I left this morning at 6:30am, and I'm reallly really tired. 

I woke up about a half hour early this morning to make breakfast. I normally eat a bowl of cereal or grab a yogurt and banana as I'm walking out the door. But this morning I thought maybe it would be nice to start the day with something hot. So I got up made fresh coffee (yum) and made oatmeal.. I mean the kind that you cook on the stove constantly having to stir. I added vanilla,  brown sugar, and sliced  almonds to it and I have to say it was so good. I should wake up every day and do that. I then web surfed and caught a few hours of the morning news before grabbing a yogurt and heading to work.

Work went by fine. We had crazy cat come in that had been constipated for such a long time, that its poor colon was so distended a child's whole hand could fit up in it. I know I know that's so gross, I'm sorry, but imagine how this cat felt. My doctor had to manually extract poop out of this cats butt using a ton of lube and water to help soften it. It was an all day process but by the end we were able to get this cat to take the most giant shit I have ever seen. It was like a huge gigantic large dog size pile. It was pretty impressive, super disgusting, but impressive. And It has to make this poor kitty feel a ton better. Its times like this when you are hand deep inside a cats ass covered in shit literally that your realize how "crappy" our job really can be! Ha Ha that was kinda punny, sorry couldn't resist.

After work I went to a meeting/lecture with the vets and another nurse at my clinic,  all about chronic renal disease. It was really informative, and I think I might have found something else to add to my cats treatments now that she is feeling a bit better.  It was 9 when that got out, so I thought that maybe I should start off my gym membership right and get in a work out before heading home. I stopped by the crappy gym next to my house and whipped out a quick 35  minute cardio workout. It was enjoyable, but now I am all amped up on the endorphins instead of being all sleepy, even thought I am really exhausted. Did that make sense?

I finally got home at 10:10, oh yeah I mentioned that already. First things I have to do is start the 25 minute ritual of feeding all my pets. So Max got all her meds and shoved into the bathroom to eat her special food, then the other two cats get their food, then I had to feed the dog, then cut up some squash for the aquatic turtles, then make a squash salad mixture for the tortoises. Finally at 10:40pm I was able to sit down and type this out for you all to enjoy. Now at 11:15pm I am going to say good night and head to bed.  Tomorrow will be a great day I think. I'm going to try to wake up early to make some more yummy oatmeal to start if off right. Well see what happens at 5:30 in the morning though.

When sales people go bad...

Today I re-joined the gym. I have been a member of 24 hour fitness off and on for years now. I like that place more then the others simply because of the 24 hour fact. I have a already busy schedule and if I have to try to fit in the time to work out on top of it I wanna be able to do it at either 11 at night or 5 in the morning. See outside the normal hours of operation for most other guys in my area as well as my apartment.  I also am a big fan of swimming and would like to get into a 1 mile swim twice weekly routine.  They have a 24 hour fitness in Lynwood with a pool and one just up the street from me, that's pretty boring  being all cardio and weights. But I have heard that they opened a super new location in the Northgate area with a pool and that’s all freshly built and supposed to be all special. So I thought I would go and check it out this after noon.

I went armed with the knowledge of what it would cost me to just sign up online. I am not dumb and going to spend more money just because I’m doing it in person instead. So I asked to see someone about signing up. The reception girl, I have to call her a girl because she was probably like 16 and this was her after school job, she told me that I had to fill out a form first and then they would call someone. So I filled out the stupid form gave them all my personal information, reasons why was there, what my goals were, how I like to work out, bla bla bla. I gave it back and had a seat.

I then met my helper person named Andrea. According to her name tag she was an assistant service manager but I cant believe it because she was such a bitch. First off she sat down next to me and with out even glancing at me read me my sheet back to me almost word for word. I wanted to be like, yes I know what I put on it because I wrote the whole thing, and then she asked me what my goals were. I told her that I just wanted to try to find some consistency in my workout. I mean I do really. She was like that’s it? I was like yeah pretty much. Then she was like “so you don’t want to get stronger or toner or loose some weight” I was like WTF I’m not going to talk to this random person about my life situation! I should have seen this as a sign, left  right then, and gone home to do the whole thing online. But I bit my tongue said really what I am looking for is the ability to come consistently. Then she was like well what do you do now for exercise? I was like well I have a treadmill  so I use that,  I walk a lot, and I have a small gym at my apartment. But I am looking to start to get back into swimming so… She was like ok well let’s give you the tour.  It was like she couldn’t care less, and frankly it showed. Again I really should have  just left then.

We started the tour… Now I figured that she would show me the place, walk me around in the locker room, point out all the cool things. What I didn’t expect was that she wanted me to keep jumping on all these different machines and have me to try them out. The first one was some weird stair thing. Where I had to keep walking up and down,  but because I’m a little uncoordinated and my jeans were falling off, I wasn’t doing it correctly. She kept telling me that and was like “no just go up and down” I was like I am trying but cant you see that I am holding my purse, I have totally the wrong bra on for up and down motions, and my pants are falling down? This isn’t going to happen! So I faked a "yeah that’s awesome, I will have to check it out later" and we moved on. Next it was time for her to try to figure out what classes would be best for me to take. This required me answering a million questions about my schedule, weather I like dance, weight training, stretching, when do I get off work? All this stuff that I totally don’t care about. See one of the things I told her right at the beginning was that I am not the biggest fan of the group workouts,  because I kind of like to go in and get it done by my self. Working out for me isn’t a social thing.  Yeah I guess like so much else she was totally numb to anything I actually told her.

Over the course of the next hour she tried to get me to use about 4 other machines,  all of them I had to tell her that I didn’t want to right now, but she wouldn’t take no as an answer. I mean what does she think she is a personal trainer? Any time I asked about costs for things, she would say that she couldn’t tell me until after the tour. I was like well screw this whole trying everything out crap lets end this so find out and then leave. She finally got to the money part. Where they were able to match the rates online and I asked her if they were on any sort of commission sales. Once she said no I figured I would just get the membership now instead of going home and doing it online. If they were on commission I would have left in a heartbeat because I didn’t want this bitchy girl to get anything from me.

She then proceeded to type all my information into the computer incorrectly. I told her at the end that she had miss spelled my name, the apartment number, my email and my phone number wrong. She was like “Oh… Well I have a hard time reading your writing” I mean I’m standing right here, can’t you just ask me what it is? Anyway we got that all fixed I paid my dues. She tried to sell me a bunch of other junk that I firmly had to say no to a bunch more. Then I was free!!! Thank god because if I had to spend another minute with her I think I would have killed her. But anyways I now belong to 24 hour fitness again. And because I paid the extra I get to do to the sparkly new super club out in Northgate. I figured that would be a better place for me to go to on my way home from work since its right between home and work.  I’m glad about it, i'm really try these next few months to see if being a little more consistent with working out helps my body start to function like it should, and see if I lose some weight. Then maybe that is really the problem, if not then maybe it is time for me to consider surgery. Well see what happens I guess.

Fat but healthy.. Huh???

I went to the doctor today for my yearly physical. I don't mind doctors all that much. Maybe cause I have been to so many. I didn't used to like my general doctor all that much because she seemed like a huge bitch for lack of a better word. I had asked about a few things she gave me quick curt answers and didn't seem to really give a rip about me. But as I have gone to her more I am starting to really like her.  Today I had an appointment at 3 pm and they told me that I had to have a 12 hour fasted blood work done for it. I was like 12 hour fasted blood work? How is that going to work when my appointment is at 3 pm? The receptionist told me that I just had to figure it out. I ended up waking up this morning at 3 am and staggering out of my cozy bed, shoving a power bar, some Greek yogurt and pre-packaged protein shake in my mouth before going back to bed until 7 when I had to wake up. I knew that without that food I would not have been able to function in my morning actives.  By 11 am I was hungry, but I powered through only getting a little bit of a head ache from the lack of substance in my system, and made it to the appointment with an empty stomach.

Of course the doctor’s office was running late. I mean how come every time I see a doctor, well with the exception of the podiatrist last week, the office is super late. Do they just plan super crappy? Or is it just my bad luck that causes it? I sat in the waiting room for nearly 40 minutes with my very empty stomach and now full blown headache, waiting till anyone could come and save me from having my stomach eating itself.  I finally got into the room had all the normal vitals taken and history given, before starting the wait for the actual doctor to arrive.

She came in, we talked some, and she did her exam, bla bla bla. I'll skip the details and jump right to the end of this post. She told me that all in all I am a very healthy overweight person. How can that be you ask? I mean aren't all overweight people unhealthy? Aren't they products of not exercising and overeating? Don't they sit on the couch and eat ice cream and candy all day long? How can you have one and the other? Well I am the prime example of how you do. See I eat great, I work out regularly, I beat most people in hikes and walks, I am super physical, and on my feet all day. And yet here I am almost 300 pounds, being what they consider morbidly obese.  My doctor today told me that she thinks I should get weight loss surgery. She said that the best time to get it is while I am healthy, because then I would be preventing the chance of developing any sort of diseases from being obese in the future. And because I am so healthy I would survive the procedure and the lifestyle changes with ease. Since they are what I am already doing (eating great, working out, etc.) She said that I should really consider it now. Because obviously eating great and working out like I have been doing isn't going to end up being enough for my wacky body to lose some weight.

She said that the problem with referring surgery for me is that she knows my insurance company won’t cover any of it, because I would be in that purely cosmetic group and not the medically necessary group. So because of how healthy I am, I won’t be covered for something that would make me even healthier and prevent me from having to use more insurance down the road?  It is such an oxymoron in terms of our health care system?  I am not even sure if I want to have weight loss surgery. I mean I want to remain healthy in the future for things like kids, family, activities, and all that. And I certainly don't want to develop some of the things that I know overweight people can get like diabetes, heart disease, and such. But I am truly happy with what I look like and honestly don't think of myself as that morbidly obese person because of the fact I am so active and healthy. But now that this doctor has planted this seed into my brain I am stuck processing it over and over again and again because I have to make a decision for my future. The future I want to remain healthy in. 

The one good part about seeing the doctor is that she was able to give me what I had wanted to get from her today. I wanted a prescription for medical massage. Because I am so active and I use my back, neck, and shoulders so much at work and my extracurricular activities, I want to make sure I am not going to develop issues with them down the road. So getting started with some massage will be a good idea I think. She seemed to agree because I got a script for a year’s worth. So maybe the best move to make next is to see about talking to a weight loss surgery specialist and see what they think about the situation. Maybe that will be the next doctor I can add to my list.