About a year ago I made a decision about something in my life that I thought was going to solve an issue I was having. I know that’s a pretty vague sentence and out of respect for the people involved I am not going to get into it in a public forum. But I stuck to my guns because I though it was the best thing for me. This last month I have really come to realize that I am this extremely stubborn person. I have always known that I have a super hard shell around me and that I spend all this time building up these walls so people can’t see the soft vulnerable side of me. I know that I’m hard and sometime even kinda cold, but I never really though that I was stubborn. Turns out that I really am.
See here’s what happened to make me realize this. I recently had a moment where I was genuinely upset about this decision I made back in the day and more recently something occurred which was different because of that decision. It was those differences that really affected me. I moped around for a few days and honestly kinda played the victim which is something I never do as those who know me know. But suddenly I had this epiphany and it hit me that all I was doing was making myself kinda miserable. Nothing was being solved. No one was learning lesson. Heck honestly no one was even affected expect for me, and I wasn’t even happy anymore. I was miserable and sad and depressed that somehow my own actions have made it so that I was feeling this crappy. Why was I still holding on to this? Why couldn’t I just let it go and move on… Why was I being so freaking stubborn.
So now that I am coming to realize that I am this super stubborn person what do I do about it. I guess I have to try to forget about what it was that bothered me so much before. I have to be the bigger person and act like that the adult that I am. See people may never change how they are or what they do, but you are capable of changing how it affects you. So I guess I am going to start the process of undigging my hole I have made for my self. I am going to try to move past those initial feelings and try to just forgive. So even though I have no clue how to go about making this first step I'm going to figure it out. See I have always prided myself in being this super kind and caring and loving person and this incident has made me everything but all those traits. It makes me sad that I have even let this last year go by allowing people to consider me anything but amazing, and I don’t want anymore days to go by where that’s the case. Tomorrow I start to try digging my way out.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The last day I really remember my father
Last week was the 19th anniversary of my father’s death. It’s weird that he has been dead so long and every year I remember less and less about him. I’m sure that’s what’s expected with those who have passed away and I know that some day I’ll just be left with random flashes of the first 14 years of memories involving him. Already I have forgotten the last day he was alive. I can’t remember anything that he said or did that day. I can’t think about seeing any sort of indication that it would be his last day because honestly I doubt that he even knew it would be. His death came fast and unexpected. Well as unexpected as someone who is dying can happen. When I really think about it I don’t even remember much about the last months he was alive. The last big things that I remember about my dad were the days we spent in Hawaii. When I flash back to things I remember most it’s those few days I keep going back to.
We went to Hawaii because he always loved the ocean. I know in my heart that I got my love of the ocean some how from him. I know that he always spent tons of time scuba and photographing all the wonders and magic found underwater. I know that he was excited to have one last chance to get back in the water even if just to snorkel around with the fish. Very early on into our trip we went to a beach expecting to do just that, and he quickly realized that he didn’t have the lung capacity to breath through a snorkel and wasn’t strong enough to support himself swimming in the ocean. He wasn’t able to do that one last thing I know he was dreaming about doing. So he sat alone on the beach never letting on about the disappointment he must have felt, all because he wanted his children to get to experience all the joys that he was missing out on. Him taking a back seat to our activities became a common theme during the rest of the trip. We would hike to volcanoes or waterfalls and he would sit behind waiting. Taking pictures of random wild birds and cats until we returned. We would go to beaches and he would watch as we all boogie boarded or snorkeled until we were all exhausted and worn out from the day’s activities.
The problem with my father is that I never knew how he felt about missing out on all these parts of the vacation that I know we took because it was his dream. He never really talked about it, but I know it must have caused some disappointment in knowing that all these things he once loved were now out of reach. It must have made him feel almost fragile or maybe it was a way for him to know the end was coming soon. I will never know and so I have stopped wondering. What I do know is that he never seemed too unhappy missing out. I will always be grateful that he let us have the chance to do all the great things on this vacation that he wasn’t able to. He never showed resentment or anger and got bitter with us because we were able to do things and he was not. He selflessly gave us the opportunities to do wonderful stuff he would have loved. I remember that at one point we were going to take this boat out and go snorkel out on a coral reef. I was pretty excited about getting the chance to see some sea turtle and was really looking forward to going. My mom and brother and I were going to go while my dad was staying at the hotel for the day alone. For some reason and to be honest I have never really understood why but that morning I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to stay and hang with my dad for the day instead. Looking back this day is the last thing I really remember about him and I’m so forever grateful that I got to have it.
The Two of us started the day at the beach where he told me all about crazy poisonous snails that can kill people in one second and we collected all kinds of shells and flowers. We had lunch at McDonalds where I remember they messed up our order and we went back again to get it corrected. I remember that he ate this giant hamburger that had like three patties and tons of cheese on it. I guess at this point he didn’t need to worry about his cholesterol or fat intake. But again going there and eating greasy burgers and fries was so outside of something my mom would ever let us do it was nice to get to share that moment with him. We spent the afternoon in a local town going to the whale museum. I was obsessed with whales and remember looking at bones and pictures just soaking up all that he could tell me about everything he knew. My father if nothing else was a great teacher. The last thing we did on our day together was go shopping. My dad wanted to get an authentic Hawaiian shirt and I remember that I was with him when he found the perfect one. I still have it in my closet. Its navy blue and has these purple and teal fish all over it and it’s pretty tacky really. But anyone who remembers my dad and his crazy outfits would know it’s exactly what he would have chosen. After he died and we started to divide up all the things of his life between us, it was the only idem I really wanted. Because that shirt had brought this perfect day to an end.
6 months later my father died. Here’s the thing about that day; it wasn’t really anything all that special, and part of me has always been disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat and see some turtles like my mom and brother did. But as I get older and older and his death becomes farther and farther away, it has become one of the most special days I got to have with him. It’s become the day where I remember him the most. It’s this day that I look back on and see my dad; not as the sick, dying, frail man that he was sadly becoming. But instead just the loving, smart, kind and caring father that I knew before. The one full of life and sarcastic comments and super tacky taste in shirts. So many times during that day we spent together he was just fun… and funny… and sweet… and cracking jokes… and teaching me awesome random shit about whales and killer snails… and genuinely enjoying spending the day with his 13 year old daughter. He is the man who I look back on that day and remember. He is the father who I miss so much even 19 years later.
We went to Hawaii because he always loved the ocean. I know in my heart that I got my love of the ocean some how from him. I know that he always spent tons of time scuba and photographing all the wonders and magic found underwater. I know that he was excited to have one last chance to get back in the water even if just to snorkel around with the fish. Very early on into our trip we went to a beach expecting to do just that, and he quickly realized that he didn’t have the lung capacity to breath through a snorkel and wasn’t strong enough to support himself swimming in the ocean. He wasn’t able to do that one last thing I know he was dreaming about doing. So he sat alone on the beach never letting on about the disappointment he must have felt, all because he wanted his children to get to experience all the joys that he was missing out on. Him taking a back seat to our activities became a common theme during the rest of the trip. We would hike to volcanoes or waterfalls and he would sit behind waiting. Taking pictures of random wild birds and cats until we returned. We would go to beaches and he would watch as we all boogie boarded or snorkeled until we were all exhausted and worn out from the day’s activities.
The problem with my father is that I never knew how he felt about missing out on all these parts of the vacation that I know we took because it was his dream. He never really talked about it, but I know it must have caused some disappointment in knowing that all these things he once loved were now out of reach. It must have made him feel almost fragile or maybe it was a way for him to know the end was coming soon. I will never know and so I have stopped wondering. What I do know is that he never seemed too unhappy missing out. I will always be grateful that he let us have the chance to do all the great things on this vacation that he wasn’t able to. He never showed resentment or anger and got bitter with us because we were able to do things and he was not. He selflessly gave us the opportunities to do wonderful stuff he would have loved. I remember that at one point we were going to take this boat out and go snorkel out on a coral reef. I was pretty excited about getting the chance to see some sea turtle and was really looking forward to going. My mom and brother and I were going to go while my dad was staying at the hotel for the day alone. For some reason and to be honest I have never really understood why but that morning I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to stay and hang with my dad for the day instead. Looking back this day is the last thing I really remember about him and I’m so forever grateful that I got to have it.
The Two of us started the day at the beach where he told me all about crazy poisonous snails that can kill people in one second and we collected all kinds of shells and flowers. We had lunch at McDonalds where I remember they messed up our order and we went back again to get it corrected. I remember that he ate this giant hamburger that had like three patties and tons of cheese on it. I guess at this point he didn’t need to worry about his cholesterol or fat intake. But again going there and eating greasy burgers and fries was so outside of something my mom would ever let us do it was nice to get to share that moment with him. We spent the afternoon in a local town going to the whale museum. I was obsessed with whales and remember looking at bones and pictures just soaking up all that he could tell me about everything he knew. My father if nothing else was a great teacher. The last thing we did on our day together was go shopping. My dad wanted to get an authentic Hawaiian shirt and I remember that I was with him when he found the perfect one. I still have it in my closet. Its navy blue and has these purple and teal fish all over it and it’s pretty tacky really. But anyone who remembers my dad and his crazy outfits would know it’s exactly what he would have chosen. After he died and we started to divide up all the things of his life between us, it was the only idem I really wanted. Because that shirt had brought this perfect day to an end.
6 months later my father died. Here’s the thing about that day; it wasn’t really anything all that special, and part of me has always been disappointed that I didn’t get to go out on the boat and see some turtles like my mom and brother did. But as I get older and older and his death becomes farther and farther away, it has become one of the most special days I got to have with him. It’s become the day where I remember him the most. It’s this day that I look back on and see my dad; not as the sick, dying, frail man that he was sadly becoming. But instead just the loving, smart, kind and caring father that I knew before. The one full of life and sarcastic comments and super tacky taste in shirts. So many times during that day we spent together he was just fun… and funny… and sweet… and cracking jokes… and teaching me awesome random shit about whales and killer snails… and genuinely enjoying spending the day with his 13 year old daughter. He is the man who I look back on that day and remember. He is the father who I miss so much even 19 years later.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My year in 2011
Its weird a week ago I think this post would have turned out entirely different. I was in this place were I was feeling really great about life things and secure about my plans for 2012 and almost ready to unveil them to the world. Something happened though; and I don’t want to get into what it is right now, but it has left me suddenly back to know having a clue what or where 2012 is going to take me. So as I have sit here and stare at my blank screen trying to type a farewell to 2011, I don’t really know exactly how to proceed.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine. And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing, I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice, stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency. I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing. I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.
Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge. The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.
On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her. I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg. She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her. All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.
I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible. I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year. I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen. I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor. As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside. Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be. For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today. Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do. Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.
I started off the year thinking that it was going to be just another year. I was still working at my day practice and enjoying what I was doing. One of my co-workers started to really heavy get into a specialty field of veterinary medicine. And as I spent the first part of the year watching her find this passion, I started to feel that although I loved my job and the kind of work I was doing, I had somewhere along the almost three years I worked in day practice, stopped having that same amount of passion. It made me start to think about where I felt that last and I almost immediately knew it was while I was doing emergency. I spent the months of May and June interviewing at all the different emergency practices around town trying to find a place there where I would start to feel that same excitement that my fellow co-worker was showing. I found it in a large emergency hospital and specialty center close to my house where I have spent the last six months being the lead overnight person.
Its crazy the type of things that we do at my new job and I love that we practice this caliber of medicine and that we are able to perform so many of the same kind of procedures that are seen in human medicine. I work with an amazing group of doctors who are always push that line of keeping things alive in every means possible and the kind of medicine is truly remarkable. I won’t lie and say that starting a new job has been easy because it wasn’t. I’ve worked so many weeks where I have been so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have kind of allowed work to take over so many of the volunteer activities that I spent the year so eagerly loving, and even had to quit doing many of them due to my new job. I have kind of allowed work to become that one thing that I focus on. I forget about seeing my family, I forget about seeing my friends, I didn’t get to take any of the summer trips I normally do to camp or hike. This job is so intense that even when I don’t work I have to recover from work on my days off. I have not had a set schedule much so until this last month or so I have never been able to make huge plans very far in advance,, so I don’t get to see the people who are important to me as much; like my little sister and my god daughter and nieces. But I keep thinking that this is the choice I made by taking this new job and these are what sacrifices I do have to make to work in emergency medicine, much less be the person in charge. The problem is that as I sit here looking into 2012 I don’t know if I still want to make those same sacrifices and have another year go by where I just work. I really have to sit and think about if all these sacrifices are really worth it. What good thing has come out of starting at my new place is that I did push myself towards the beginning and make myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to some of my new co-workers I mean really talk to them. Open up about who I am what my faults are and I found that in this six month period I have made some really awesome new friends, who I think I’ll also be able to have for a long time in my life. As so many of you know making friends isn’t easy for me so I take pride in the fact that I have succeeded in this endeavor as quick as I have.
On the pet front 2011 has also kind of been a bad one. In July I had to put Max my older cat down because her chronic kidney infections all of the sudden turned into a liver disease that I wasn’t able to get under control. It’s never easy to loose a member of the family especially one that has been with you for so long. Its weird cause although I do miss her, she never was my favorite. Her being gone has found a great balance to my other two cats Spooky and Clapton though and suddenly having all healthy and easy cats has made this crazy work schedule manageable. Morgan the dog was sad that I didn’t find as much time to take her out to the beach or go hiking this year. And she has had to settle for walks around the neighborhood instead. She misses being able to spend the day in a kennel at my work watching the activities around her and eagerly waiting for someone to throw in a few treats. She instead spend some of the week at home and on a few occasions I still get to bring her with me to work, she ends up being locked in a part of the hospital that’s unused so its not as fun for her. I have found a niche this last year as a foster home for a few turtles and tortoises as they have continued to grow as a passion. I took in Boris the Russian tortoise that lost his lower jaw due to neglect and I got under weight and mal nourished. He is doing great although I have to keep him separated because he turns out to be quite aggressive with the others and very territorial. Lynch is an aquatic turtle who came to me from one of the shelters. She was neglected and abused to the point where they had to amputate her right front arm as well as part of her tail and a few toes off her back leg. She needed quite a bit of medicine the first few weeks I had her. But now she is a part of the aquatic pond and swimming around great and happy as can be to have some friends surrounding her. All the other turtles and tortoises have been happy and healthy, and still a love and joy to have around.
I guess that’s kind of it for me this year, well other then just dating a ton some of it good some of it horrible. I have given the run down on the major things that have occurred and went on for me this year. I never know where my life is going to take me. I have no clue what choices are going to occur in the next year and I try to live as much in the day to day as I can so I feel things as they happen. I never knew if I was going to like writing this blog. I figured I would give it a year and see what happens. It has evolved into something that I love doing. I love that people can have the choice to read about me or then don’t. I love that I can give people a little window into my soul and they can see who I am in this unfiltered manor. As someone put it so great a year ago in during the first few days of its existence, It’s like opening a vein to spill what’s inside. Next year I am going to continue to share my journey in life whatever that may be. For now I have about an hour until I head back to work and ring in another year. I know that next year is going to be just as strange of a ride as this year was, and I hope that maybe in a year while I am writing this looking back post I feel a little bit more confident in my future then I do today. Today I am pretty lost as to what my next big step in life is going to be. But like always I’ll figure it out and share it with you as I do. Good by 2011 you were kind of a strange ride but I enjoyed it none the less.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Adam
I don't know if I've ever been in love in my 33 years of life. Looking back on my love life I can honestly say that I have no clue if I know what that even is. I mean I get the movie version and the story book version where you meet some one have a connection and everything else just falls into place so simple. Buts also know enough about life to know that love is complicated and it’s not something that happens with out work. I honestly don't know if I've ever felt real romantic love. I actually thinking about it don't think I really have. My first boyfriend and I had this insane connection with each other and I remember thinking I was in love. And with all the chaos going on with in that relationship I just thought that's what love was. Cause in movies and stuff true love is chaotic and messy and complicated. What I realized shortly after that relationship ended was that I really never loved him at all. I just felt kind of amazing having some I want me as much as he seems to want me during that time of my life and I mistook those feeling for love. But being wanted was better than me being in actual love. Sad but true.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
My second boyfriend I've never had any doubt that he loved me. From the beginning I knew he always loved me more than I've ever loved him. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I cared about him a ton. But I never think I actually loved him. But knowing that someone loves you and would do anything for you... it's hard not to get swept up in up in that. Even if you know it's wrong to do to someone. I was able to walk away from this relationship knowing that I cared about him but also knowing that it would have never progressed much beyond that. I don’t know maybe I did lead him on.
The closest I think I have come to actual love was with this guy named Adam and what’s sad about it, is that our relationship lasted only about a month or two. It’s sad that one of the best relationships I have had was only a few months long and I have had others that lasted years and I consider them fairly meaningless. Ok not entirely meaning less but looking back I know that I wasn’t actually in love with them. But the question I always go back to is was I actually in love with Adam? See that’s the problem when you’re not sure if you know what love is it’s hard to tell if you have found it or not.
I met Adam in an online website… It was kind of when I was just starting to get into online dating and still not as skilled with it as I am today. I posted an add on a website that was more casual based and I was surprised when this very attractive guy replied. We exchanged a few very simple emails on this site I doubt either of us getting too involved. I remember at this time in my life I was acting as a live in nanny for a good friend and her three kids. I had fairly recently gotten out of that second relationship and honestly wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was looking for a job in the vet field and kind of floating around again. Like I mentioned Adam was really really cute. He was tall and thin and blond and had a super cute face and smile. He was the first guy I had dated in awhile who I was super attracted to on a purely physical level. But then after exchanging a few emails it turned out he was also super funny, really smart, and creative. He had a great job, tons of goals and seemed so much more put together then I was. Frankly I was a little intimidated by him. Which again was not something I found often with the people I had dated? Most of the time they were the ones intimidated by me.
Our first conversation lasted all night. I mean it we literally talked from about 10 pm until the very wee morning hours abut everything. He and I had so much in common and conversation was just really easy. He made me laugh a lot, but we also talked about serious issues like our parents being sick, as well as some more lighter stuff like where you want to travel to if you had unlimited funds. It turned out the we lived just a few blocks from each other, so the next night he picked me up and I went back to his place were we spent the night lying in bed just talking and cuddling. I remember he kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I was in his bed. It was sweet and of course makes you feel special to hear things like that. From those first days we quickly started dating. I met his mother and his best friend spending time with them both on more then one occasion. He met the kids I was the nanny for and woman I was living with. As well as a good friend of mine named Katy who frequently came out with me and Adam. It became everything you expect when you find someone you really really like.. you try to see them as much as possible and everything is new and exciting and fun.
So what happened you ask? Well that’s just it. I think after a month or two he realized that I was getting more serious about him then he was looking for, and he started to tell me that he didn’t want this serious relationship and that he would hurt me. I honestly thought what most people think when placed in that situation, which is that he would change his mind….That I could get him to change his mind and we would be together and it would be great. He broke up with me on Halloween night. It was at this huge party that his friends were throwing and I had taken a ton of time to find the perfect costume. I spent the next month crying. Seriously I lay in bed and slept and cried. It was like nothing else mattered now that he and I weren’t together. I was seriously heart broken and for that month nothing else made any difference to me. I didn’t really eat, or interact, I think I started working soon afterward and even work was pretty unfulfilling. I missed him so much and honestly I have no clue how I still had tears to cry for that long of a period.
A month after we broke up he called me. It was my birthday and he came over and we hung out for a little bit. It felt so good to see him and I was so happy. After that we kind of casually dated and what not. I moved into my own place and sometimes he would come over to hang out or he would invite me to his place. But it was very casual and always on his terms, but I always held on to the hope that it meant he would want to keep seeing me and get serious again. I mean I figured that he was there because he knew that our relationship was special.
Yeah the reality is that he was there because I was easy. I let him use me for whatever he wanted and he took advantage of the fact that I had such strong feeling for him. I can see that now years later but of course during the time it’s all happening I was totally blind. It was liked the tables had turned and here I was in the one in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I was the one being used. After a while of casually non-dating I finally got strong enough to stop. I stopped answering my phone when he called because I knew that it was going to have to be me who stopped the cycle. I mean he was getting what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one who wasn’t. So I knew it had to me who walked away. So I did eventually. But even still I have never been able to get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I wonder if things would have been different if I had held on a little longer. But I know it wouldn’t have.
So was I in love with Adam? I don’t know. I know I had very strong feeling for him. Maybe that’s all I really know. I think that I loved him but I’m not sure if it was healthy love. See I think part of real love is also being loved back. I know he never felt half of what I felt for him. So why am I bringing up a relationship that ended more then six years ago? Well for the first time in a long time I felt that way about another person. I met a guy named Brian a few months back who I also quickly developed strong feeling for and quickly fell fast for. And also just like with Adam our timing sucked and he knew I was more involved then he wanted and so he ended things after just over a few months. Maybe someday soon I'll tell you all about Brian here. I understand now that love isn’t just about finding someone who is great but also timing plays a huge part in it. I might never know if what I had with Adam or Brian is really love. But that’s ok I guess I hope that some day I’ll be able to have something to truly compare it to and then hopefully it will clear up all the confusion.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Baby thoughts
I’m thinking about having a baby. Now those who know me well might find this as kind of a shock because I know I have mentioned adoption has been something I have wanted to do like pretty much forever. I still hope to one day adopt a child but right now the cost needed just to get that child much less try to raise it are far outside my means. This time last year I was introduced to the world of foster parenting. And I do still think that I want to eventually do that as well. But I have learned it takes a lot of support to raise a foster child that might be damaged and I worry that I will have a super hard time finding the support to be a great single foster parent.
I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea. But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me. I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to. I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.
I have really been thinking about this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one. I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me. I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.
Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.
I never really thought that I would want to be pregnant and even still I’m kind of terrified of the idea. But I’m at this age where I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a kid of my own. I have never wanted to be one of those older parents. Its not that I have anything against them but I just know it’s not for me. I have dreams of having my grand kids hangout in my house for the holidays, baking cookies and buying them tons of presents. Or picking them up after school and taking them to the park and teaching them stuff all while I am still energetic and able to. I want to be the grandma that I never got to have. See my grandparents were older; one had already passed by the time I was born, and the other was already having health issues when I was pretty young. I remember taking trips to see them which were fun, but they were not a day to day staple in my life. I have always been a little jealous of my friends who get to see there grandparents on a daily basis and I have always wished that I will have that sort of relationship with my own grand kids.
I have really been thinking about this having a baby of my own thing for the last few months, like seriously weighing the pros and cons about it and I keep coming back to just how much I want one. I want to be a parent more then I guess I ever realized. I want to have something to teach things to and be able to spend my time with and who is going to be a little me. I am in no way approaching this decision being rash or without a bunch of serious thought. And I know that being a single parent isn’t ideal and that it’s much frowned on my many social circles. And heck even getting pregnant as a single woman is a challenge in itself. But what I am saying that that I think I’m ready to really consider this as an option for me, and to focus on it this next year. I am going to start to take the steps needed to see about becoming a pregnant and see where that takes me.
Right now it starts with my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and having a frank conversation about where I find an OBGYN and what steps I should take to make sure my fertility is in check. So yeah…tomorrow I think I’m starting my journey to having a baby of my own. Weird two years ago I never would have thought I would ever be saying that, but today I’m excited that I have that as my path.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Birthday thoughts
Today is my birthday. I’m 33 now and I don’t really feel any different. What I do feel is that I am really enjoying me being in my thirties. It’s like I like being an adult. I like having adult issues and thoughts and meeting people in adult places and engaging in adult conversations. I like being a grown up and I guess it wasn’t until I turned thirty that I really understood the difference. I was always a super mature person and even at like preteen age I thought I was fairly grown up. But now looking back I get why being 30 really is fabulous. I wonder why you freak out so much about it.
I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work. I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family. I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.
For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old. I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen. I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.
I have nothing really special planned for my birthday today. I have the day off from work. I’m happy to not have to work because I normally do on birthdays past. I slept in late this morning and woke up without any alarms or agenda. I ate some fabulous cereal for breakfast. I spent the morning answering birthday wishes and phone calls from friends and family. I took my dog for a long walk while listening to some awesome tunes on the ipod. Now its noon and I still have nothing that I need to be out doing. I love the simplicity of getting to have a totally unplanned and unscheduled day. Maybe tonight I’ll treat my self for a dinner I normally would never eat like super rare steak, or go see a movie that I normally would be embarrassed to see. I feel like those are the things you want to do on a special day like today.
For me right now I’m going to enjoy the fact that this last year was actually a really good year. I remained healthy. I started a new career that I have really enjoyed even if it did suck for a bit. I have made some really great new friends and I still have some old ones who I miss like crazy not seeing as often as I‘d like. I have had big life plans change, both for the better and the worse. I have found a lot of joy in new activities and also had some go by the wayside, finding they weren’t as great as I thought they would be. I have dated a lot this last year and sometime those were disastrous and sometimes I found people who actually may have changed me for the better even just a little bit. I only really got my heart broken once and it was like a tiny easy to repair break. All and all I have developed into a really great, well adjusted, smart, and confident 33 years old. I have no clue what my plans are for the next year but I’m going to follow the motto of years in the past and just let what happens happen. I know that I have no control over what the universe is going to bring me so I’m just going to hope that on my 34th birthday I’ll look back as be as happy about my last year as I am today.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Fostering revisited
It was almost 1 year ago that I started taking these foster parenting classes and almost 1 year that I have worked to make fostering a reality. But the reality of that situation is that it does take more then just a strong desire to foster a child. You have a bunch of tiny rules about the house situation and living arraignments that the state requires in order for a foster child to live with you. Regardless to say, once I finished these classes and started the next step of the fostering process, which is the home study, I quickly learned that my apartment would fail miserable.
Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location. Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no. I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study. Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.
Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use. Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture. So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them. Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.
Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care. Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal. But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem. It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern. So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option. But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.
Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces. Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down.
OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping. So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers. Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers. Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.
So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier. It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it. I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.
Let me break down some of the requirements for you and you’ll see why. Ok first and foremost is something that I can’t even have control of. Your address must be clearly visible on the home, facility, or mailbox so that firefighters or medics can easily find your location. Ok yeah so I fail on all accounts on this one. My house number isn’t listed anywhere on the building. All that is listed is that the building number is J. I went to my office to ask if I could put something out on the car port and they said no. I also learned that if I call 911 all the pops up is the street going into my apartment complex. But getting around is something they would be totally dependant on using the marked signs. Sadly that means that they wouldn’t be able to find my building; because no where on the street, parking lot or outside does it list my actual home address. So right off the bat I fail my home study. Unless I move into a place that is a bit better and more clearly marked.
Just for kicks lets go with a few other of the rules I fail on you must ensure children in your care or placed in your home are safe around bodies of water. You must place a fence designed to discourage climbing and have a locking gate around a pool or have another DLR approved safety device. You must lock or secure areas when they are not in use and the pool must be inaccessible to children when not in use. Ok so I know that I don’t have a pool or hot tub in my house but I do have a huge ass turtle pond that hold a ton of gallons that I’m sure a kid could drown in. Now I know that some of you think the easy answer is to just get rid of the turtles and problems solved. But I will not think of that as an option. I signed up to have those pets for their life and I’ll not be one of those irresponsible pet owners who just throws something aside once a child comes in the picture. So what are my options with the turtles? Well I could build a secure fence… Um hard to do in the middle of a dining room. Or I could keep them behind a locked door all the time, unless the children are under immediate supervision when they want to see or spend time with them. Ok that’s doable. All I need is to have a 3rd bedroom with a heavy door, a lock and problem solved. But unfortunately that third bedroom I don’t have right now so again moving would have to happen.
Ok this kind of goes along with the last one… In a foster home you must not have any common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles, or fish that are dangerous to the children in care. The department, at its discretion, may limit the type and number of common household pets, exotic pets, animals, birds, insects, reptiles or fish if the department determines there are risks to the children in care. Now my turtles and tortoises are no way a dangerous animal. But maybe the fact that I have ten of them in total could be a problem. It might not be, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is at the very least a concern. So again the answer is to get rid of some, but I guess I am having a hard time seeing that as a real option. But along with them I do have a dog and two cats so again a little more then the typical person to pet ration and maybe could be seen as an issue. But again I’m in no way giving up a pet for a foster kid, so if they cant exist hand in hand this fostering isn’t the right thing for me. Problem solved.
Multilevel homes and facilities must have a means of escape from an upper floor. If a fire ladder is needed to escape from an upper story window, it must be functional and stored in a location that is easily accessible. Also the ground that is being accessed must be level and free from unstable materials and surfaces. Ok so this is another of those unable to be changed things that I automatically fail just by the location of my apartment. So yeah I’m on the third floor. And unfortunately the ground below the window that my foster child would be accessing is a rock wall framing the parking lot. Not so level or free from unstable conditions. Fail again. Solution is moving into a place that’s all on one floor or only with one story where my foster kids cold climb into a soft yard if the house is burning down.
OK I think I have made my point. See here is what I have learned. In order to even think about becoming a foster parent I have to find a new place to call home. It looks like it would have to have three bedrooms so that I could lock all the turtles into one specific room and keep them safe from the kids. I hopefully would be able to find something that is all on one story because another rule is that an adult must be on the same floor and unrestricted access to where children under ten years of age are sleeping. So yeah can’t have like a downstairs master bedroom or shove the kid in a basement room, unless I want to get teenagers. Which is a big No cause I don’t want teenagers. Oh another great house rule is that for kids under 6 you must have a bath tub oh and there must be a bathroom on the same floor as the bedroom for kids under 10. See all sorts of just random little things that make for getting your home approved difficult.
So these last few months I have just kind figured that once my lease is up I would just find a nice little rental house to move to and continue where I left off with the home study stuff. But as I now have started to look for houses I’m finding it so difficult to even find something affordable, much less that fits all these requirements. It’s making me discouraged and starting to question if I really am feeling like this is the right time in my life to become a foster parent. I mean what’s the rush. Sadly there will always be a need for some one like me in a year or two when maybe I’ll have different circumstances and find moving to be easier. It sucks that I am thinking about giving it up… No not giving up… Putting off something that I had found so much passion for. I remember back a year ago that since of joy I found in finding my path in life. Maybe it still is my path but just not my path right now. Maybe I have a bunch of overgrown bushes I have to clear away before I can start traveling down it. I hope that’s all it is. But now I am left kind of sitting here totally unsure where I want my next year to go and even more unsure how to go about figuring that out.
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