Sometimes I tend to be a very judgmental person. I know that its one of my faults and unfortunately one of the huge downsides to my personality. The problem is that I seem to be able to justify this judgmentalness a lot of the time, and so I make more light of it then I probably should. I think it’s just because I place really high expectations on myself, so it’s hard for me to find patience in others who might not have those same expectations in place. Then I pretty much just give up on them instead of wanting to find out what their positives facets may actually be. I had this happen recently at the wildlife place with a fellow volunteer named Anita.
Anita showed up a few weeks ago on my Tuesday morning shift. It was the week that I had cut my foot, I had been in contact with the director of the place saying that I still wanted to work my shift but I would have to take it a little easier and not do some of the tasks that are expected of me. They told me that I should do as little as I was able, they totally understood, and that I didn’t have to come in if I didn’t want to. I was like no; I want to, I’ll just take it easy. Anyways Anita showed up that same week. She said that she had been volunteering for the last few months and was doing three days a week to try to become one of the senior volunteer. In order to become a senior you have to have completer 120 hours of time. Basically if you do the once a week shift like I do its roughly 6 months. She wanted to try to bypass this by doing more hours each week. She seemed nice enough and at first I was glad to have a little more help. Me and Maureen had been doing this shift alone which is great went its slow but in spring and the babies arrive its going to get insane with just two of us. What started my bad impression of Anita was that when we were having our early morning start meeting with the rehabbers and I was telling them all about my injury. She totally interrupted to inform us all that she has a major back issue and was unable to lift, bend, carry, or heck even walk up hill. Basically most of the things that you are expected to have to do when being a volunteer at a wild life rehab place. I was kind of like WTF? why would you pick a place to volunteer at that is very very physical, knowing that you have a back injury that prevents you from completing the tasks required, and much less work three shifts a week at it. It was kind of strange, and it instantly rubbed me the wrong way.
Anita is in her late 40’s, she has an older son who is out of the house, and she has been out of work for almost a year. She is also kind of slow… I know that sounds really horrible but it just seems like her brain isn’t able to comprehend as quickly as other’s are, so she struggled at very simple tasks. She wasn’t willing to listen to anything that I or Maureen would say to her and instantly went to the rehabber with her questions instead of us. It was almost as if she didn’t trust us to know something she might not have. I wish that I could have said she is a hard worker but she isn’t. She is also kind of rude to me and the rehabbers. And the thing that annoys me the very most is that she will drop what she is doing just to try to see everything exciting and fun. She isn’t there to complete in the process, not understanding that you have to sometimes earn that right to be involved in the cool stuff, not just force your way in. And because of this behavior she wouldn’t care that by her doing that made the rest of us have to pick up those tasks she abandoned. She quickly got on both my and Maureen’s nerves and so we tried our best to just avoid her and luckily most of the work there is independent, so it was fairly easy to do.
I mean I always tried to act nice to her and ask her about her life, so over the last few weeks I have learned a lot about her hopes and dreams. She said that she was in college to do wildlife work and dropped out to get married and have her son. She was then a stay at home mom for many years and eventually went back to an administrative job. She was really excited to be back in her one true love of wildlife rehab. She was looking hard for a new job and hoping that if she found one she would still be able to have the time to volunteer. I started to feel kind of bad for her, because even as annoying she was at least her heart was in the right place, and maybe she just is clueless about her crappy behavior. I vowed to try to be a little more patience and try to just be nicer to her and not so quickly annoyed. I figured that I would make a little more effort to be nice and maybe teach her some of the things that I am lucky to be able to pick up quickly. I felt good about making this decision. I mean ultimately both of us are there for the same reasons, and all we are doing is giving our time to a place we all believe in. So I came in today with a renewed attitude.
Imagine my surprise when she didn’t show up this morning. I figured that she got a job or something and was no longer able to do the Tuesday morning shifts anymore. But as I went about the tasks that needed to be done today I noticed that she wasn’t on the schedule any of the days anymore. I didn’t think a lot about it until I drove home and then I started to feel really bad. I mean I hope that she didn’t annoy everyone and get “fired”, well I mean as fired as you can get when you’re a volunteer. I know that the rehabbers were frustrated with her just as much as I was. It was hard for me to have to deal with her just once a week where they had to do three times weekly. I know that hey worried because when the spring babies arrive you really have to handle a lot of tasks independently and it gets really really insane. I know that there was talk that she wouldn’t be able to handle that. I truly feel really bad if they let her go though, because like I said I know her heart is in the right place. And honestly I do think that she was finally doing something she loved and unfortunately maybe this thing that she loved wasn’t her strongest suit. It’s hard when you have larger dreams to aspire to then what you might ever be capable of achieving in. I also feel bad that I couldn’t have just been less judgmental, maybe a little bit nicer, and take some time out to help her instead of just writing her off. Anyway I hope that maybe I’m totally wrong about the situation and she did just get a job that isn’t able to allow her to volunteer right now. I hope that she is happy is whatever she is doing. I mean just cause I didn’t like her doesn’t mean that I want her to be miserable either.
None the less I am going to take away this lesson from the Anita situation. I am going to remember that some tasks come really easy for me but remember that is not the same for everyone. I am going to give people the benefit of the doubt first and foremost. And I am going to throw away the expectations I have for myself as being what everyone else has to live up to, and stop writing them off so quickly when they don’t. I really need to work on that in the future. it’s a really bad flaw to who I am, and honestly makes me kinda ugly where I am so not such a ugly person in whole. So I am really going to try to be a bigger person from now on and grow in my adulthood more positively. So from now on I am going to live by these principals whenever I meet new people in any sort of situations I come across.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Katie
So my first real friend was named Katie. We were those kind of forced into friendship because our parents were friends so we had to be by default. The story went that when we were babies out moms met at the library and just instantly bonded. We were only months apart so they started to make dates to meet up and have play dates with the two of us. Therefore we became friends. I remember doing a lot of things with her and her family. Katie and I never attended the same school or played on the same teams or really did any of the daily activities together. Wait one year she and I both took dance classes from the same place because I have a picture of us together at the recital but I don’t think we were in the same kind of dance class.
Katie had a great family. Her father was a hard worker and most of the time he was at work, but I remember him coming home and always being nice but quite. Her Mother was amazing she was an artist. She was the kind of mom you seemed to be able to tell anything to and would bring you snacks and make lemonade. She had a little brother who we would of course pick on a ton but he was a pretty good kid really. I think that my brother got stuck having to hang out with her little brother a ton when our families would hang out and I always knew how annoying that was to my brother. But Katie’s family was the family that would always do fun things outdoors. They would go camping, hiking, swimming, sailing… All the cool things you wanted to do as a kid. The were also very artistic so we would make a lot of fun things at her house like drawing, painting and make up elaborate stories to act out for our parents. She was truly my best friend. I loved going to her house to spend the night.
I used to steal things from Katie. She used to have this huge drawer in the bathroom of hair clips and barrettes and super cute girly things that my mom never would bye for me and I was always super envious of. I used to take them from her, but I would do it slowly one piece at a time where I thought that they never knew. I remember being over one day and knowing that Katie caught me taking things and so I gave them back. I remember that she had a private conversation with her mom and I knew even at like 9 years old exactly what that talk was about. The thing about it is that they were that kind of family to have never confronted me about it. To this day I am not sure if they ever told my mom about it or if they just let it go. But that was the last time I stole stuff from her. We stayed really close until I turned 10 and then I moved across town, far enough away where or visits stopped being once a week and more once every few months. I remember writing letters to her a lot after the move. I was pretty unhappy with my new life and so I would make up elaborate stories of totally untruthful things ( such as being lock in a school bathroom over night.. Yeah right!) just trying to mask this huge unhappiness I had. For some reason with Katie and her family I always felt second best. I always thought of my self as not deserving or worth having them like me or care about me, and so I always felt as though I had something to prove showing them all that I did deserve it. We were able to still stay friends even after I moved and would still get the chance to take crazy trips to wonderful places. But we started to drift as we hit middle school. I mean that’s what starts to happens when you don’t see someone daily. She seemed to find this great life with school friends and activities while I still struggled to find where I fit in and had a ton of crappy family junk occur. I started to feel some resentment about how easy it all seemed for her while I was stuck struggling so hard.
When I was 12 years old I remember taking a hike out at Mont Rainer with her family. It was an all day trip and just a few days before I had found out that my father was sick. I was kind of roaming around a little behind them and all of the sudden it kind hit me the reality of my situation with my family. I started to cry. I mean because I was with them I tried my best to hide it, but still tears rolled down my cheeks and I’m sure I was visibly upset. What was weird looking back on that day was that nowhere along this hike did any of them come up to me and ask if I was ok, or all right, or why I was upset. They just gave me space and pretended nothing was wrong. At the moment I was grateful, but looking back I think WTF. I mean why didn’t they ask me what was up? Well what I found out a year or so later was that they already knew what was up. See I didn’t find out about my father illness until after some of the key people in my life already knew. My best friend and her family knew that my dad was dying long before I even got told. For a 13 year old it made me really bitter and felt a lot of resentment towards both my parents and her family for the way this information got kept from me. I mean shouldn’t a kid know about that key piece of her life before anyone else? So now I understand why everyone just gave me a wide berth and let me cry that day.
That wasn’t the one thing that ended our friendship though; I think ultimately we just drifted. I mean looking back I’m not surprised by it because that’s kind of what I feel like you would expect from two kids thrown into friendship by there parents random meeting. I think that during high school she came up to my area once for a birthday dinner and we made small talk, shared stories about our life. But the problem for me was by the time that my dad got sick I lost a huge part of who I was. My life changed so much at that moment and I think I became a little bit of shell of who I used to be or heck even wanted to be. I stopped putting a lot of effort into much in terms of our friendship and she I guess felt like doing the same. Neither of us fought for our friendship anymore and so it ended. What else was it to do?
She went out of state for college, became a doctor, got married and eventually moved back to the area. My mom still meets with her mom every few months just to catch up. Every once and awhile she asks if I want her to get Katie’s email address or something so I can contact her. I always say no. I have no clue what I would say to her now; I have no clue if we would have anything in common. And I guess if I was going to be super honest with myself, I am still a litter upset that she gave up on our friendship just as much as I did. She could get my email from her mom and send me that first letter but hasn’t either. I think it’s easy for me to walk away from people. To just say ok we drifted it happens and move on without a thought. Maybe I need to suck up my stupid pride and drop the dumb childhood expectations and just send her a letter. Maybe we’ll find a way to connect as adults. Maybe we would find that we have a ton in common. Maybe I’m being too stubborn to see that I have a great opportunity in front of me and retarded to not take it. But maybe the part of me, that has always felt second best with Katie, is afraid that reaching out and making that step, that could crush me when all those feeling come flooding back. Maybe I really am letting my worthlessness make my decisions for me. Maybe those are the demons I have fight now. So who knows I think that part of me revisiting my past and trying to grow from my mistakes is going to mean writing that email and just seeing what happens.We'll see.. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to commit to that yet. But I'm willing to think about what that letter is going to say and go from there.
Katie had a great family. Her father was a hard worker and most of the time he was at work, but I remember him coming home and always being nice but quite. Her Mother was amazing she was an artist. She was the kind of mom you seemed to be able to tell anything to and would bring you snacks and make lemonade. She had a little brother who we would of course pick on a ton but he was a pretty good kid really. I think that my brother got stuck having to hang out with her little brother a ton when our families would hang out and I always knew how annoying that was to my brother. But Katie’s family was the family that would always do fun things outdoors. They would go camping, hiking, swimming, sailing… All the cool things you wanted to do as a kid. The were also very artistic so we would make a lot of fun things at her house like drawing, painting and make up elaborate stories to act out for our parents. She was truly my best friend. I loved going to her house to spend the night.
I used to steal things from Katie. She used to have this huge drawer in the bathroom of hair clips and barrettes and super cute girly things that my mom never would bye for me and I was always super envious of. I used to take them from her, but I would do it slowly one piece at a time where I thought that they never knew. I remember being over one day and knowing that Katie caught me taking things and so I gave them back. I remember that she had a private conversation with her mom and I knew even at like 9 years old exactly what that talk was about. The thing about it is that they were that kind of family to have never confronted me about it. To this day I am not sure if they ever told my mom about it or if they just let it go. But that was the last time I stole stuff from her. We stayed really close until I turned 10 and then I moved across town, far enough away where or visits stopped being once a week and more once every few months. I remember writing letters to her a lot after the move. I was pretty unhappy with my new life and so I would make up elaborate stories of totally untruthful things ( such as being lock in a school bathroom over night.. Yeah right!) just trying to mask this huge unhappiness I had. For some reason with Katie and her family I always felt second best. I always thought of my self as not deserving or worth having them like me or care about me, and so I always felt as though I had something to prove showing them all that I did deserve it. We were able to still stay friends even after I moved and would still get the chance to take crazy trips to wonderful places. But we started to drift as we hit middle school. I mean that’s what starts to happens when you don’t see someone daily. She seemed to find this great life with school friends and activities while I still struggled to find where I fit in and had a ton of crappy family junk occur. I started to feel some resentment about how easy it all seemed for her while I was stuck struggling so hard.
When I was 12 years old I remember taking a hike out at Mont Rainer with her family. It was an all day trip and just a few days before I had found out that my father was sick. I was kind of roaming around a little behind them and all of the sudden it kind hit me the reality of my situation with my family. I started to cry. I mean because I was with them I tried my best to hide it, but still tears rolled down my cheeks and I’m sure I was visibly upset. What was weird looking back on that day was that nowhere along this hike did any of them come up to me and ask if I was ok, or all right, or why I was upset. They just gave me space and pretended nothing was wrong. At the moment I was grateful, but looking back I think WTF. I mean why didn’t they ask me what was up? Well what I found out a year or so later was that they already knew what was up. See I didn’t find out about my father illness until after some of the key people in my life already knew. My best friend and her family knew that my dad was dying long before I even got told. For a 13 year old it made me really bitter and felt a lot of resentment towards both my parents and her family for the way this information got kept from me. I mean shouldn’t a kid know about that key piece of her life before anyone else? So now I understand why everyone just gave me a wide berth and let me cry that day.
That wasn’t the one thing that ended our friendship though; I think ultimately we just drifted. I mean looking back I’m not surprised by it because that’s kind of what I feel like you would expect from two kids thrown into friendship by there parents random meeting. I think that during high school she came up to my area once for a birthday dinner and we made small talk, shared stories about our life. But the problem for me was by the time that my dad got sick I lost a huge part of who I was. My life changed so much at that moment and I think I became a little bit of shell of who I used to be or heck even wanted to be. I stopped putting a lot of effort into much in terms of our friendship and she I guess felt like doing the same. Neither of us fought for our friendship anymore and so it ended. What else was it to do?
She went out of state for college, became a doctor, got married and eventually moved back to the area. My mom still meets with her mom every few months just to catch up. Every once and awhile she asks if I want her to get Katie’s email address or something so I can contact her. I always say no. I have no clue what I would say to her now; I have no clue if we would have anything in common. And I guess if I was going to be super honest with myself, I am still a litter upset that she gave up on our friendship just as much as I did. She could get my email from her mom and send me that first letter but hasn’t either. I think it’s easy for me to walk away from people. To just say ok we drifted it happens and move on without a thought. Maybe I need to suck up my stupid pride and drop the dumb childhood expectations and just send her a letter. Maybe we’ll find a way to connect as adults. Maybe we would find that we have a ton in common. Maybe I’m being too stubborn to see that I have a great opportunity in front of me and retarded to not take it. But maybe the part of me, that has always felt second best with Katie, is afraid that reaching out and making that step, that could crush me when all those feeling come flooding back. Maybe I really am letting my worthlessness make my decisions for me. Maybe those are the demons I have fight now. So who knows I think that part of me revisiting my past and trying to grow from my mistakes is going to mean writing that email and just seeing what happens.We'll see.. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to commit to that yet. But I'm willing to think about what that letter is going to say and go from there.
Friday, March 11, 2011
this is not my story, but I think it could very well be....
This isn't written by me but its about one of the animals I have helped to take care of at the wildlife center. I thought i would share his story for you all. Its moments like these that remind me how sometimes just being a kind person and taking a second to stop can ends up meaning so much more. I hope that I will always be like this woman and the result will be a full life ahead. Enjoy....
As a woman named Beth drove along N 45th Street in Seattle On February 22, she and her two young sons noticed a gull walking in the road ahead. As they drew closer they saw that something was very odd about the bird. His head was turned to the left and he was moving it awkwardly as if it were stuck to his left wing. Preoccupied with his struggle, the bird was unaware of his surroundings and he was wandering in traffic. Recognizing the grave danger he was in, Beth immediately parked her car and rushed to the bird's aid.
When Beth approached the gull he attempted to run away. A concerned passer-by cut off his escape, allowing Beth to safely capture the bird. Up close she could see the source of the gull's distress. A large fishing lure was attached to the bird. A treble hook on the front of the lure appeared to be embedded in the gull’s left eye, while a second hook on the tail of the lure was attached to the bird's wing. He could move neither his head nor his wing without putting tension on the hooks and causing himself great pain. Beth placed the gull in a box and transported him to the Wildlife Center for help.
At the center A wildlife rehabilitator admitted the gull and performed his intake examination. They used a pair of wire cutters to clip the hooks off of the lure and free up the bird's head. Because of the embedded hook, we were unable to see the gull's left eye, but it did not look very promising. Two of the treble hook's barbed points were sticking out through the bottom eyelid. The third barb was embedded in the upper eyelid. It was difficult to imagine a way that the hook could have ended up in that position without badly damaging the eye itself. The hook in the wing was only attached by one of the three points, and it appeared to have caused only superficial damage. We provided the bird with fluids and placed him in a warm, dark cage to await assessment by the veterinary team.
The Veterinarian and Veterinary Technician anesthetized the gull to remove the hooks. The Doctor carefully clipped the barbed end off of each individual point on the treble hook that was embedded in the bird's eyelids and carefully extracted it. As the hook was removed and the eyelids parted, they were amazed to see a fully intact eye behind them. After placing a drop of staining agent in the gull's eye to check for scratches or abrasions and finding none, they then removed the hook from his wing. Despite his harrowing ordeal with the fishing lure, the gull appeared to have avoided any serious injuries. They prescribed antibiotics for the bird to ensure that he did not develop an infection as his wounds healed
When we checked on the gull the following day, he looked like a new bird. The lids of his left eye were scabbed and slightly swollen, but he was bright, alert and clearly seeing well out of that eye. He spent a few days in an inside enclosure while completing his antibiotics before being moved to a large, outdoor cage with a pool.
After just one week of care the gull was ready to return home, and I made arrangements to meet Beth and her sons on a Seattle beach so they could see the ultimate result of their caring actions. At 3:45 pm on March 2, the gull was set free at a Seattle Park. One of Beth's sons opened the transport carrier's door and, after a short pause, the bird emerged. It was a very windy day, and the gull was pushed along by the wind as he walked about 20 yards to the water's edge. As we watched, he opened his wings and let the wind lift him about three feet into the air before refolding his wings and dropping back down to the sand. He did this twice more as if he was testing the air before launching himself skyward in earnest.
Facing into the wind, the gull climbed straight up until he was about 15 feet in the air. Then, with a few quick flaps of his wings he cruised up the beach passing directly over our heads. As Beth and her sons beamed up at the bird, I reminded them that it was their willingness to stop and help that had made this moment possible. I could tell from their awed looks and wide smiles as they watched him fly off into the distance that this was the best possible "thank you" the gull could have given them.
As a woman named Beth drove along N 45th Street in Seattle On February 22, she and her two young sons noticed a gull walking in the road ahead. As they drew closer they saw that something was very odd about the bird. His head was turned to the left and he was moving it awkwardly as if it were stuck to his left wing. Preoccupied with his struggle, the bird was unaware of his surroundings and he was wandering in traffic. Recognizing the grave danger he was in, Beth immediately parked her car and rushed to the bird's aid.
When Beth approached the gull he attempted to run away. A concerned passer-by cut off his escape, allowing Beth to safely capture the bird. Up close she could see the source of the gull's distress. A large fishing lure was attached to the bird. A treble hook on the front of the lure appeared to be embedded in the gull’s left eye, while a second hook on the tail of the lure was attached to the bird's wing. He could move neither his head nor his wing without putting tension on the hooks and causing himself great pain. Beth placed the gull in a box and transported him to the Wildlife Center for help.
At the center A wildlife rehabilitator admitted the gull and performed his intake examination. They used a pair of wire cutters to clip the hooks off of the lure and free up the bird's head. Because of the embedded hook, we were unable to see the gull's left eye, but it did not look very promising. Two of the treble hook's barbed points were sticking out through the bottom eyelid. The third barb was embedded in the upper eyelid. It was difficult to imagine a way that the hook could have ended up in that position without badly damaging the eye itself. The hook in the wing was only attached by one of the three points, and it appeared to have caused only superficial damage. We provided the bird with fluids and placed him in a warm, dark cage to await assessment by the veterinary team.
The Veterinarian and Veterinary Technician anesthetized the gull to remove the hooks. The Doctor carefully clipped the barbed end off of each individual point on the treble hook that was embedded in the bird's eyelids and carefully extracted it. As the hook was removed and the eyelids parted, they were amazed to see a fully intact eye behind them. After placing a drop of staining agent in the gull's eye to check for scratches or abrasions and finding none, they then removed the hook from his wing. Despite his harrowing ordeal with the fishing lure, the gull appeared to have avoided any serious injuries. They prescribed antibiotics for the bird to ensure that he did not develop an infection as his wounds healed
When we checked on the gull the following day, he looked like a new bird. The lids of his left eye were scabbed and slightly swollen, but he was bright, alert and clearly seeing well out of that eye. He spent a few days in an inside enclosure while completing his antibiotics before being moved to a large, outdoor cage with a pool.
After just one week of care the gull was ready to return home, and I made arrangements to meet Beth and her sons on a Seattle beach so they could see the ultimate result of their caring actions. At 3:45 pm on March 2, the gull was set free at a Seattle Park. One of Beth's sons opened the transport carrier's door and, after a short pause, the bird emerged. It was a very windy day, and the gull was pushed along by the wind as he walked about 20 yards to the water's edge. As we watched, he opened his wings and let the wind lift him about three feet into the air before refolding his wings and dropping back down to the sand. He did this twice more as if he was testing the air before launching himself skyward in earnest.
Facing into the wind, the gull climbed straight up until he was about 15 feet in the air. Then, with a few quick flaps of his wings he cruised up the beach passing directly over our heads. As Beth and her sons beamed up at the bird, I reminded them that it was their willingness to stop and help that had made this moment possible. I could tell from their awed looks and wide smiles as they watched him fly off into the distance that this was the best possible "thank you" the gull could have given them.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
digging in to some personal stuff.
Do you remember being a little kid? Well of course you do. Being little and watching a Disney movie and thinking inside that yes, this is how it happens, the whole finding your true love and falling in love stuff. It’s just like the Disney movies make it out to be. OK so then you grow older, like 12 or maybe 14 (if you’re a real romantic). And you realize that no, this isn’t how it happens at all. You don’t just fall in love instantly and happily ever after is not a real ending. You become more aware of the realities to each situation, you have taken the time to observe relationships around you, and you know that they take effort and work and time. But as much as every 12 or 13 year old girl won’t admit to this, they all still secretly still hope that the whole Disney love at first sight happily ever after scenarios do exist and adults are just unable to find there happy ending.
OK so then you hit like your twenties. In your 20’s you have dated a bunch, some good some bad. You have experienced heartaches, depression, and happiness, sometimes all three in the same hour. You know all about the reality and maybe a small amount of bitterness is starting to edge its way into your soul and you just keep pushing it back and back and back pretending that it isn’t there. You see people around you have good and bad relationships, you see love at first sight, and couples being friends first, and some just plain crappy relationship decisions being made. You start to think that Disney is only here to play up this false idea for little girls and sell merchandise to the world. You start to think you know what you want, and you’re only slightly worried that you might not get it. Because right now life is still a huge oyster and you have endless amount of time ahead to get it.
It’s not until I hit my 30’s that’s I can look back and realize just how wrong I have been. And not about the Disney thing, or time thing, but about the whole relationship thing completely. Disney movie ending can come true but sometimes they don’t as well. It’s not this black and white world that we live in where every one has the perfect relationship and love life. I have spent a ton of time trying to find my perfect relationship and I have not come very close to getting it. I used to really think that it was something about the people I was attracted to or what I looked like that was the problem. I have followed a ton of various dating rules and broke a bunch more. I have done a ton of different route’s for dating, internet, blind dates, friends first… And it always seems to end the same. I have tried to just say screw it and be happy single and alone. And to an extent I am… Really… But I know in my heart I don’t want this to be it, I don't want to be happy and alone. So I think its time for me to really try and figure out where I have gone wrong in my life with the relationships I have had, and in all the relationships, friendships and boyfriends alike. I think one of my biggest problems in life has always been with making real friends. I am fiercely loyal but for some reason I don’t really have many truly close friends. So that’s my plan I guess, I’m going to try to re evaluate my former relationships to see what happened and maybe that will give me some insight to fixing stuff in the future.
Things went really good in childhood for the most part, I had just enough freedom and structure to instill in me morals and values that still are part of who I am today. But now that I am 32, I‘m not sure that I am still as happy as I was when I was 8, and honestly don’t really have a ton to show for my life if it were to end right now today. So maybe I should also re-evaluate how I let my childhood happiness slip away. Maybe this isn’t going to do anything for me or maybe it will be Pandora’s Box opening up in my head that will show me a whole other way to be instead.
I wasn’t a cool kid; I was kind of dorky and outspoken. I never really came into my own sense of who I was until I was like 25. I kind of rode on the tails of everyone else around me, my brother, my father, my best friend Kasia. You name it; I molded them into who I was until I never even knew I wasn’t them. I wasn’t one of those 7 year olds who ever had boyfriends, or as much of a boyfriend a 7 year old can have. I was more the one to organized huge class wide imaginary adventures at recess involving horses, unicorns and hunters. I had lots of friends who were boys but I never had any idea that I was suppose to consider them any different then my girl friends so I never did. I welcomed them into my life just as easily and equally. I was a fairly innocent and happy kid. Well I pretended I was and I portrayed that to everyone around me. But this happiness wasn’t completely truthful. I needed more drama maybe. I guess I needed to have attention and sought it out in very negative ways.
I can remember the first time I told a lie. I was in 2nd grade. I had this very close group of friends and we did what every 8 year old would do. We constantly changed who was the leader of the group, who was who‘s best friend, who we wanted out of the group for the day, but in the end we all stayed close 8 year old friends. I remember that I was at recess and I told a girl named Kelly that I had this watch that also had a calculator and phone on it, and that it was really expensive, so I wasn’t allowed to take it out of the house. That was it; I think that was the first time that I told something very blatantly not true. I don’t know what led up to that lie or why I felt the need to. Like I said before, I think that I needed to get attention in any form possible. I also don’t want you to think that this started a whole spiral into lying about everything. I just think that for some reason telling that little lie made something in my head open up and like every Pandora’s Box situations I got something positive from it. And so wanted to keep getting it.
The problem is when you start to tell about things that don’t exists you have to prevent them from ever coming over because then they would want to see them. So in some ways you can never really become close friends with those people or they would know the truth. Maybe that is what first started me keeping people just at the surface. Maybe that is what made me build these insane walls I have up. Hopefully I’ll figure it out. That’s my goal for now.. Like I said before this is just a chance for me to try to explore more into my own behaviors. But either way good or bad, this is the very roughest cut of who I am and how I got here.
OK so then you hit like your twenties. In your 20’s you have dated a bunch, some good some bad. You have experienced heartaches, depression, and happiness, sometimes all three in the same hour. You know all about the reality and maybe a small amount of bitterness is starting to edge its way into your soul and you just keep pushing it back and back and back pretending that it isn’t there. You see people around you have good and bad relationships, you see love at first sight, and couples being friends first, and some just plain crappy relationship decisions being made. You start to think that Disney is only here to play up this false idea for little girls and sell merchandise to the world. You start to think you know what you want, and you’re only slightly worried that you might not get it. Because right now life is still a huge oyster and you have endless amount of time ahead to get it.
It’s not until I hit my 30’s that’s I can look back and realize just how wrong I have been. And not about the Disney thing, or time thing, but about the whole relationship thing completely. Disney movie ending can come true but sometimes they don’t as well. It’s not this black and white world that we live in where every one has the perfect relationship and love life. I have spent a ton of time trying to find my perfect relationship and I have not come very close to getting it. I used to really think that it was something about the people I was attracted to or what I looked like that was the problem. I have followed a ton of various dating rules and broke a bunch more. I have done a ton of different route’s for dating, internet, blind dates, friends first… And it always seems to end the same. I have tried to just say screw it and be happy single and alone. And to an extent I am… Really… But I know in my heart I don’t want this to be it, I don't want to be happy and alone. So I think its time for me to really try and figure out where I have gone wrong in my life with the relationships I have had, and in all the relationships, friendships and boyfriends alike. I think one of my biggest problems in life has always been with making real friends. I am fiercely loyal but for some reason I don’t really have many truly close friends. So that’s my plan I guess, I’m going to try to re evaluate my former relationships to see what happened and maybe that will give me some insight to fixing stuff in the future.
Things went really good in childhood for the most part, I had just enough freedom and structure to instill in me morals and values that still are part of who I am today. But now that I am 32, I‘m not sure that I am still as happy as I was when I was 8, and honestly don’t really have a ton to show for my life if it were to end right now today. So maybe I should also re-evaluate how I let my childhood happiness slip away. Maybe this isn’t going to do anything for me or maybe it will be Pandora’s Box opening up in my head that will show me a whole other way to be instead.
I wasn’t a cool kid; I was kind of dorky and outspoken. I never really came into my own sense of who I was until I was like 25. I kind of rode on the tails of everyone else around me, my brother, my father, my best friend Kasia. You name it; I molded them into who I was until I never even knew I wasn’t them. I wasn’t one of those 7 year olds who ever had boyfriends, or as much of a boyfriend a 7 year old can have. I was more the one to organized huge class wide imaginary adventures at recess involving horses, unicorns and hunters. I had lots of friends who were boys but I never had any idea that I was suppose to consider them any different then my girl friends so I never did. I welcomed them into my life just as easily and equally. I was a fairly innocent and happy kid. Well I pretended I was and I portrayed that to everyone around me. But this happiness wasn’t completely truthful. I needed more drama maybe. I guess I needed to have attention and sought it out in very negative ways.
I can remember the first time I told a lie. I was in 2nd grade. I had this very close group of friends and we did what every 8 year old would do. We constantly changed who was the leader of the group, who was who‘s best friend, who we wanted out of the group for the day, but in the end we all stayed close 8 year old friends. I remember that I was at recess and I told a girl named Kelly that I had this watch that also had a calculator and phone on it, and that it was really expensive, so I wasn’t allowed to take it out of the house. That was it; I think that was the first time that I told something very blatantly not true. I don’t know what led up to that lie or why I felt the need to. Like I said before, I think that I needed to get attention in any form possible. I also don’t want you to think that this started a whole spiral into lying about everything. I just think that for some reason telling that little lie made something in my head open up and like every Pandora’s Box situations I got something positive from it. And so wanted to keep getting it.
The problem is when you start to tell about things that don’t exists you have to prevent them from ever coming over because then they would want to see them. So in some ways you can never really become close friends with those people or they would know the truth. Maybe that is what first started me keeping people just at the surface. Maybe that is what made me build these insane walls I have up. Hopefully I’ll figure it out. That’s my goal for now.. Like I said before this is just a chance for me to try to explore more into my own behaviors. But either way good or bad, this is the very roughest cut of who I am and how I got here.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
come on... really... again!
You are always told that if you do good things then good things will happen to you. I mean isn’t that something that every parent has told you at one point or another. Well that’s bullshit! I mean I have spent my adult life being a good person. I take care of other people more then I do myself sometimes and all that seems to happen is I end up getting screwed in the end. I don’t know what else to do and honestly I’m starting to feel that I should just stop doing good things for people all together.
It’s frustrating because there is this huge part of me that does still believe in fate doing what’s right. I mean bringing good things to those who deserve it. But my years of experience have seemed to do nothing else then show me how much waiting around for these good things suck! I am getting tired of all this waiting and doing stuff , where the rewards seem to be super lackluster compared to the deed. Recently I had another case where I am left feeling cheated by the universe and unsure what to do about it. I mean I don’t want to become this hard bitter unkind person, but at some point I feel like I have got to get some sort of positive vibe sent my way, just to show me that there is some other reason I am this way besides just cause I am. I’m tired of the hurt and the pain and the feelings of foolishness that come with being screwed over all the time.
I have sat for most of the day today alternating between anger and sadness that I am once again stuck being screwed for just having done this really amazing thing for someone else and totally unselfishly completely on my part. I don’t mean to build myself up as this “I’m so awesome and can’t do anything wrong person” So please don’t take this post as that. But I really truly do think that sometimes I am willing to go above and beyond for people. I don’t place expectations on them. I’m just willing to give people a chance where as most might not. I am that person who will come visit in someone’s darkest hour regardless of the cost I might incur as the result. And would drop anything the second someone asked me to without ever thinking twice about it. I am a good person. I really am. I am kind, and not judgmental, and loyal, and willing to give you my own arm if you needed it. I am the kind of person that people should strive to be like. One of these days I really need the universe to cut me a break and send some good karma my way as just a tiny reward for being like this. Because I gotta be honest universe… I’m starting to not want to be this way anymore and that would truly be a loss to the world. Because the world needs to have more people like me in it.
It’s frustrating because there is this huge part of me that does still believe in fate doing what’s right. I mean bringing good things to those who deserve it. But my years of experience have seemed to do nothing else then show me how much waiting around for these good things suck! I am getting tired of all this waiting and doing stuff , where the rewards seem to be super lackluster compared to the deed. Recently I had another case where I am left feeling cheated by the universe and unsure what to do about it. I mean I don’t want to become this hard bitter unkind person, but at some point I feel like I have got to get some sort of positive vibe sent my way, just to show me that there is some other reason I am this way besides just cause I am. I’m tired of the hurt and the pain and the feelings of foolishness that come with being screwed over all the time.
I have sat for most of the day today alternating between anger and sadness that I am once again stuck being screwed for just having done this really amazing thing for someone else and totally unselfishly completely on my part. I don’t mean to build myself up as this “I’m so awesome and can’t do anything wrong person” So please don’t take this post as that. But I really truly do think that sometimes I am willing to go above and beyond for people. I don’t place expectations on them. I’m just willing to give people a chance where as most might not. I am that person who will come visit in someone’s darkest hour regardless of the cost I might incur as the result. And would drop anything the second someone asked me to without ever thinking twice about it. I am a good person. I really am. I am kind, and not judgmental, and loyal, and willing to give you my own arm if you needed it. I am the kind of person that people should strive to be like. One of these days I really need the universe to cut me a break and send some good karma my way as just a tiny reward for being like this. Because I gotta be honest universe… I’m starting to not want to be this way anymore and that would truly be a loss to the world. Because the world needs to have more people like me in it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Freaking out
The last few weeks I have had a very hard time not getting super wrapped up in my head. I have been kind of freaking out about this whole foster parent thing and it’s subsequently caused me to go reeling off in all these random directions. Sometimes I think about what I’m trying to do this year and just get totally overwhelmed by the whole thing. I mean what am I thinking that I might just one day have this kid that I have to be responsible for and nurture and love and feed and pay attention too. I mean what the hell am I thinking about getting into. And honestly during these freak out moments I realize just how not ready I might be for that kind of responsibility.
The other day as I was relaxing and watching a movie when I wasn’t feeling so great I suddenly thought “what if I had a 6 year old in the house, what would I be doing for it?” I figured that at that time of night I would be making it dinner, some kind of kid friendly food like chicken nuggets or something, and trying to find some sort of veggie that it wants to eat. After dinner we would probably play a game or color together until it was time for me to get it into the bath, and do bath time routine. Then we would get dressed for bed and probably read a few stories then it would sleep. At that point I would have to feed all the other critters in the house, and maybe take the dog for a walk. Wait can I take the dog out for a walk anymore if that means leaving the sleeping kid alone? hmmm I'm going to have to look into that. Anyways back to my imaginary foster child... The next morning I would have to wake up early enough to not just get myself ready for work, but also wake the kid up, feed it breakfast, dress it, make it lunch, and drop it off wherever it needs to go to spend the day (daycare or school) all before I have to leave for work myself. Oh and somewhere still fit in the whole walking the dog again stuff. Just thinking about those 12 hours made me kind of freaked. I mean that’s a huge life change and maybe I’m not really all the ready to do it. I mean I have a hard enough time sometimes making sure I eat three meals a day!
I think part of what started me thinking about this more was that I had recently joined a online foster parent organization and have spent the last few weeks really trying to get a feel for what fostering is. Its hard cause I mean when you are not directly involved in something, all you really can get a sense of is whatever parts they want to put out, and in most cases those parts are more the hard parts or the frustrating parts. A lot of these forums are about trying to get answers to the tough questions or situations; and where as I think these places are awesome and very much needed, I do think that until you have these situations in front of yourself, they are not very useful. So what it’s done instead for me is really highlight the challenges that foster parents face every day and how important having a strong support system is. My issue is that I don’t know if I really have all that in place. I mean I am single, I live alone, I have work full time in order to live my sad alone life. I can pretty but bet that dating is going to be out the window as soon as I get a foster kid, cause where the heck am I going to find the time to do that. I am thinking pretty seriously about needed to have a house to live in, so that I have a yard to throw the dog out to, so I don’t have to take it for the walks all the time. I also think that I need to have an extra room for all the crazy turtles, so that my foster kid doesn't drown in the huge pond they live in. But ya know moving is expensive, and I don’t make a ton of money. And honestly all the extra I make I want to have go into being a foster parent, because you have to get a bunch of random junk for kids even for those kids that aren’t even really yours.
So yeah see here I am thinking about all these huge life changing things I have to try to do in the next months and all I am reading about are these tough cases and kids and freaking out. I figure most people get to have 9 months to get ready for parenthood. At the bare minimum you have that whole pregnancy period for your life to start changing and those sacrifices you make for your kids stuff to start. I mean for most people I know its at that point that they suddenly stop the bad vices, eat right, exercise, save money, get rid off all the junk in the spare room that’s going to be the baby’s room, buy a bunch of random stuff. All in this nine month period. Its like nine months of just pure preparation. And yeah I get it its not like that’s a ton of time or anything and yeah you can never be fully prepared bla bla bla I get it. But still you do have this ticking time bomb telling you exactly how long you have to make these necessary changes until that baby pops out. I guess I feel like its going to be this huge sudden change for me like I'm going to have to suddenly go from sometimes skipping a meal or two, to having to make three meals a day 24/7.
Maybe its really just going to be way too much work for me to even try to take on right now. I mean part of me feels like I should just scrap the whole thing and just remain the crazy pet girl. I could substitute foster kids for turtles or something. I wish I knew someone who could just send me there kid for like a week and let me really see what raising a kid is all about. I wish that I could get a feeling for it. So I know what I’m getting into. But I guess like being pregnant you never really get to be fully prepared for kids weather you pop em out yourself or the state send them to you temporarily. I have to try to take it all just one step at a time. I mean I knew that this was going to be really super hard, but I have to try to remember why I want to do it in the first place. I know that it’s going to be a huge life changing decision, and that a lot of my life is going to modify. And that this luxury of coming home, and just sitting around doing nothing, is going to be a thing of the past. But I have to remember how taking those classes made me feel. That this was the only thing I was meant to be doing with my life, and that this was the path that was right for me. I have to remember that you will never really know what the future is going to bring, and all you can do is take baby steps towards a goal and hope for the best. I mean if this is what I want to do, I just have to take the random steps and have a little faith in the universe that I’ll get it. So I am going to take a deep breath, then un-join that crazy forum (because I really do think that until I have the foster kids, I do not need to spend my time just randomly reading all those crazy stories) and just continue to live, I guess that's really all I can do. This month I am going to work really really hard to save as much money as I can to add to my "moving into a kid friendly house" by next January fund. I just really want this to be something I thrive at and I guess part of me is scared that it may be too much, and then I won’t know what my path is. But being scared is part of life. It’s a raw human emotion that I honestly think means that you’re doing something right. I am going to accept this fear as a sign that this is indeed something I'm passionate about and want more then anything, and I'm going to live it and feel it and let it make me work my ass of to get it. And hopefully, with time I'll be less freaked out by the whole thought.
The other day as I was relaxing and watching a movie when I wasn’t feeling so great I suddenly thought “what if I had a 6 year old in the house, what would I be doing for it?” I figured that at that time of night I would be making it dinner, some kind of kid friendly food like chicken nuggets or something, and trying to find some sort of veggie that it wants to eat. After dinner we would probably play a game or color together until it was time for me to get it into the bath, and do bath time routine. Then we would get dressed for bed and probably read a few stories then it would sleep. At that point I would have to feed all the other critters in the house, and maybe take the dog for a walk. Wait can I take the dog out for a walk anymore if that means leaving the sleeping kid alone? hmmm I'm going to have to look into that. Anyways back to my imaginary foster child... The next morning I would have to wake up early enough to not just get myself ready for work, but also wake the kid up, feed it breakfast, dress it, make it lunch, and drop it off wherever it needs to go to spend the day (daycare or school) all before I have to leave for work myself. Oh and somewhere still fit in the whole walking the dog again stuff. Just thinking about those 12 hours made me kind of freaked. I mean that’s a huge life change and maybe I’m not really all the ready to do it. I mean I have a hard enough time sometimes making sure I eat three meals a day!
I think part of what started me thinking about this more was that I had recently joined a online foster parent organization and have spent the last few weeks really trying to get a feel for what fostering is. Its hard cause I mean when you are not directly involved in something, all you really can get a sense of is whatever parts they want to put out, and in most cases those parts are more the hard parts or the frustrating parts. A lot of these forums are about trying to get answers to the tough questions or situations; and where as I think these places are awesome and very much needed, I do think that until you have these situations in front of yourself, they are not very useful. So what it’s done instead for me is really highlight the challenges that foster parents face every day and how important having a strong support system is. My issue is that I don’t know if I really have all that in place. I mean I am single, I live alone, I have work full time in order to live my sad alone life. I can pretty but bet that dating is going to be out the window as soon as I get a foster kid, cause where the heck am I going to find the time to do that. I am thinking pretty seriously about needed to have a house to live in, so that I have a yard to throw the dog out to, so I don’t have to take it for the walks all the time. I also think that I need to have an extra room for all the crazy turtles, so that my foster kid doesn't drown in the huge pond they live in. But ya know moving is expensive, and I don’t make a ton of money. And honestly all the extra I make I want to have go into being a foster parent, because you have to get a bunch of random junk for kids even for those kids that aren’t even really yours.
So yeah see here I am thinking about all these huge life changing things I have to try to do in the next months and all I am reading about are these tough cases and kids and freaking out. I figure most people get to have 9 months to get ready for parenthood. At the bare minimum you have that whole pregnancy period for your life to start changing and those sacrifices you make for your kids stuff to start. I mean for most people I know its at that point that they suddenly stop the bad vices, eat right, exercise, save money, get rid off all the junk in the spare room that’s going to be the baby’s room, buy a bunch of random stuff. All in this nine month period. Its like nine months of just pure preparation. And yeah I get it its not like that’s a ton of time or anything and yeah you can never be fully prepared bla bla bla I get it. But still you do have this ticking time bomb telling you exactly how long you have to make these necessary changes until that baby pops out. I guess I feel like its going to be this huge sudden change for me like I'm going to have to suddenly go from sometimes skipping a meal or two, to having to make three meals a day 24/7.
Maybe its really just going to be way too much work for me to even try to take on right now. I mean part of me feels like I should just scrap the whole thing and just remain the crazy pet girl. I could substitute foster kids for turtles or something. I wish I knew someone who could just send me there kid for like a week and let me really see what raising a kid is all about. I wish that I could get a feeling for it. So I know what I’m getting into. But I guess like being pregnant you never really get to be fully prepared for kids weather you pop em out yourself or the state send them to you temporarily. I have to try to take it all just one step at a time. I mean I knew that this was going to be really super hard, but I have to try to remember why I want to do it in the first place. I know that it’s going to be a huge life changing decision, and that a lot of my life is going to modify. And that this luxury of coming home, and just sitting around doing nothing, is going to be a thing of the past. But I have to remember how taking those classes made me feel. That this was the only thing I was meant to be doing with my life, and that this was the path that was right for me. I have to remember that you will never really know what the future is going to bring, and all you can do is take baby steps towards a goal and hope for the best. I mean if this is what I want to do, I just have to take the random steps and have a little faith in the universe that I’ll get it. So I am going to take a deep breath, then un-join that crazy forum (because I really do think that until I have the foster kids, I do not need to spend my time just randomly reading all those crazy stories) and just continue to live, I guess that's really all I can do. This month I am going to work really really hard to save as much money as I can to add to my "moving into a kid friendly house" by next January fund. I just really want this to be something I thrive at and I guess part of me is scared that it may be too much, and then I won’t know what my path is. But being scared is part of life. It’s a raw human emotion that I honestly think means that you’re doing something right. I am going to accept this fear as a sign that this is indeed something I'm passionate about and want more then anything, and I'm going to live it and feel it and let it make me work my ass of to get it. And hopefully, with time I'll be less freaked out by the whole thought.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Another day of rehab
I returned to my normal life today. I figured that I have recovered enough from my foot injury as well as my cold, to head out to the wildlife place for a morning of hard work. It was a pretty routine day of rehab and most of the animals were pretty straightforward. The one thing I will mention is that I have a new volunteer who is driving me nuts, her name is Anita and she has worked with me the last two weeks. But I'll save her story for another day.
We have been treating a mallard duck for a few weeks now, that first came in because he was hit by a car and unable to stand. During the last few weeks he is now able to not just stand but also swim and is starting to get much feistier so it’s been awesome seeing him recover. He is making more and more progress every day and today I was the one able to tube feed him all by myself. The other long time case that is still hanging out is this baby barn owl that got caught up in a cars bike rack one night and has two broken wings. He is also showing lots of signs of recovering and has been able to fly for short distances and is starting to hunt and eat great. So he seems to also be recovering more each day as well. Its nice to have a few of those cases that have been around long enough that I still get to have a part in it even though I come in once a week.
The other big news is that our baby pigeons are no longer babies anymore, now having all the adult feathers grown in and are soon to be released. They are pretty crazy little birds and its unbelievable that they went from being as tiny as they were and getting tube fed every 2 hours, to the huge almost adults they look like today. They are showing a lot less signs of wanting human interaction and attention and now are becoming more fearful and reserved of me as I entered into the enclosure and cleaned it out. This is great because one of the fears the rehabbers had with these guys a few weeks ago was that they would be too attached to the human side of life and not be able to successfully live in the wild.
Other animals hanging out were a very cool sea bird who I forget the name of that seems to be blind in one eye but they are hoping that his blindness will not prevent him from being able to survive. They have set him up with some various obstacles and live fish to make sure he is still able to hunt and swim around like he would in the wild. We have a few seagulls with various injuries that are still recovering. One came in with this huge hook stuck in the side of his head and today I was able to watch the surgery to remove it. Very cool. He should wake up and recover fully and be released in a day or two. And finally our little sick aviary birds are still in quarantine and not yet showing signs of recovery so it’s still touch and go with them.
Well I know this was kind of a lame post, especially since it was my first in about a week. But it’s been a kinda slow day so far for me. I'm considering this a good thing having a slow day. Maybe tomorrow when I head back to work I’ll have more exciting things to ramble about.
We have been treating a mallard duck for a few weeks now, that first came in because he was hit by a car and unable to stand. During the last few weeks he is now able to not just stand but also swim and is starting to get much feistier so it’s been awesome seeing him recover. He is making more and more progress every day and today I was the one able to tube feed him all by myself. The other long time case that is still hanging out is this baby barn owl that got caught up in a cars bike rack one night and has two broken wings. He is also showing lots of signs of recovering and has been able to fly for short distances and is starting to hunt and eat great. So he seems to also be recovering more each day as well. Its nice to have a few of those cases that have been around long enough that I still get to have a part in it even though I come in once a week.
The other big news is that our baby pigeons are no longer babies anymore, now having all the adult feathers grown in and are soon to be released. They are pretty crazy little birds and its unbelievable that they went from being as tiny as they were and getting tube fed every 2 hours, to the huge almost adults they look like today. They are showing a lot less signs of wanting human interaction and attention and now are becoming more fearful and reserved of me as I entered into the enclosure and cleaned it out. This is great because one of the fears the rehabbers had with these guys a few weeks ago was that they would be too attached to the human side of life and not be able to successfully live in the wild.
Other animals hanging out were a very cool sea bird who I forget the name of that seems to be blind in one eye but they are hoping that his blindness will not prevent him from being able to survive. They have set him up with some various obstacles and live fish to make sure he is still able to hunt and swim around like he would in the wild. We have a few seagulls with various injuries that are still recovering. One came in with this huge hook stuck in the side of his head and today I was able to watch the surgery to remove it. Very cool. He should wake up and recover fully and be released in a day or two. And finally our little sick aviary birds are still in quarantine and not yet showing signs of recovery so it’s still touch and go with them.
Well I know this was kind of a lame post, especially since it was my first in about a week. But it’s been a kinda slow day so far for me. I'm considering this a good thing having a slow day. Maybe tomorrow when I head back to work I’ll have more exciting things to ramble about.
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