Failing Math

I am officially failing math. I am not surprised but at the same time I try not to use this failure as a marker for the rest of my life decisions ahead. See I am failing math but I’m also working my ass off for it and sadly this work is still resulting in a failing grade. It’s annoying because we live in the world where we place so much value in grades and tests and we directly relate that to success.  The old saying that we are all told growing up is  that hard work pays off,  this is what we are told  practically every day  in every grade, the teacher gives some speech about how the more you work the better your will do in  the class. How if you get good grades you will get a good job. How if you study hard you will do well on a test. It’s really all you hear. What I really wish we talked about more is what happens when you work your ass off and cant no matter what you do succeed, and  what I mean by succeed is actually get a good grade. Cause honestly this I feel happens more often than not; and really as someone going through it firsthand, I feel it’s so important to try to break away from the equation of success=good grade and instead really have it be effort=success. regardless of the grade. Because honestly I am still a freaking success even if I fail because I am working my ass off. And even if society won’t acknowledge this, I will because honestly someone has to and it might as well be me. So yeah I am failing math. I might not pass the class and what I am trying my very hardest to do is realize that math isn’t something that comes easy for me... No screw that… I’m not making apologies for failing math because I working my ass off and really that means so much more and the reasons for failing should overshadow my huge amount of effort. So I'm not going to allow it to anymore.  So yeah I’m kind of proud of my possible failure and I think I everyone else should be too.  cause whatever happens I know that I am working so hard and that counts for so much more then any grade every would.

About My Dad

My father was good man. He had tons of things that he dedicated his time and energy too, and he surrounded himself with people who were positive and successful. He was a kind of quiet man who kept to himself and would seem like we wasn’t interested. But those who knew him would know better, knowing that he was very much aware of everything in his surroundings and just waiting to jump in with a precise statement or to settle a debate. He was that kind of person who commanded an audience. What he said went and it wasn’t because he was controlling but instead because he was usually just right. Although he never used this to his advantage by constantly being the aggressor or in charge of things completely. He often would take the back seat and jump in only after everything else had failed and make it right. 

My parents had a good relationship they obviously loved each other and although they fought I can’t remember a lot about what those fights were about and they never seemed too bad. I know that they worried about very different things but ultimately even in those differences it was apparent that what was important to them were very similar. They each had different strengths that they brought to our family and those strengths balanced each other out.  I know that they would still be working hard at their relationship today and loving to see their family grow and out seeing the world together.

As a father my dad had some flaws, but it might depend on who you ask about them, to judge the severity of the flaws. For my brother I am sure they would minimal, because he was the doting involved in everything his son was doing, and proud as he could be dad. He made my brother push himself to be successful and coached him though so many aspects of life that helped to accomplish that. He was always around for anything he ever needed. My prospective of my father is kind of different. I don’t remember having many moments where I though he really was proud of me. I feel more that he kind just tolerated me. The few times that I do remember spending time alone with him went great I’ll admit. But in general, I rarely remember him taking time away to help me accomplish something for school or kick a ball around the backyard or coach a team. One of the memories I do vividly have is sitting at a soccer banquet for my brother’s team watching my dad interact with people. It was like seeing this person for the first time. And he was someone very different then I got to have. He knew every parent and every kid, he engaged in all this conversation d seemed genuinely happy. Everyone seemed to be super in love with him. I knew right then at that very moment that I had a different dad then my brother did, I was probably 9. 

20 years ago my dad died I was 14 years old. It was pretty sudden really. My mom and brother took him to the hospital the night before due to him having hallucinations and he died within 24 hours. Although we knew he was going to die as he was diagnosed with a fatal disease 3 years beforehand and he had shown various signs of decrease as the months went by.  But no one expected him to die that night; I think we all thought that he would have a few more years left. I know my family is as happy as I am that he didn’t have to suffer more or get worse or spend some of the years we expected him too, living as a shell of his former self. So really I do think that him dying suddenly was what was best. 

After he died I didn’t really think things were really all that different. I mean at 14 you have no clue how many things your dad accounts for in your life. But it was obvious that first Easter that it was him who spent time hiding the eggs filled with candy around the house and bought the good candy to fill them with. It was him who balanced out some of my mom’s crazy moments and made it light hearted and entertaining spending time together, even if just by watching TV as a family at home. It was him who we all worked so hard to impress and to get words of excellence from about our accomplishments. Ok maybe that last one was just me but it was true without him I didn’t feel the need to try very hard at anything much anymore.  I knew that day that I would miss my dad and that I would feel loss at not having him around in my life anymore, but I never really got just how much having my dad die would suck. 

The first time I realized this I was 19 and in a mall. I remember eating at this restaurant and in walked this daughter and her dad. I watched them interact from across the restaurant and it was like I was looking at my younger self in a mirror. They had so many of the same interactions that I would have had with my dad, right down to even the choice of restaurants. I remember instantly starting to cry and then sobbing for like hours afterwards to the point where I remember calling my mom and talking to her about it. I think that was the first time I really grieved my dad dying. It was then I realized how envious I was of the little girl getting to have all that time in the world with her dad and how she probably didn’t even know how precious it was. I missed the thought of maybe that being my child getting to interact with her Grandfather and have him be that attentive and interactive with her. It was the first time really that I missed him. 

 That revelation at the mall was 16 years ago. In the 16 years that have followed I think about my dad often. And although it’s not this stabbing sob inducing pain anymore. It’s still a dull ache that will still bring tears to my eyes more than once. The hardest part for me about not having a father is that you’ll never know what he would think about you now. I have made so many great decisions and accomplished so many things in my life that I think he would be proud of, but I can never really know that because I’ll never hear it from him. It’s like you’re searching for approval that you will never get, so eventually you try to stop seeking it but you can never forget it’s not there.  The thing that I honestly am the most sad about is that I’ll never get to see my dad through adult eyes. He is stuck forever as how my younger self see him as and I know my younger self was kind of an idiot.  I know that if I had had years to get to know him as two adults, I would have a whole different view of who he is as a person and what his relationship with me was like.  I know that I could have him see me as more than just the second child and really love the woman I’ve grown into. So yeah this time of year I think about him more than normal as it’s the time of year that he died. I know that I am who I am today because I came from this amazing family and still have an amazing family even if it has changed greatly in the last 20 years. 20 years ago the world lost a really amazing man, my mom lost a really amazing husband and the love of her life, and my brother and I lost our dad. I know we all miss him a ton every single day.

Did you know I went to Jamaica?

So this was written when I first got to the hotel I had a few hours to kill before I got to check into the room. I have a couple of posts  that I wrote while on  this vacation.  I  always meant to post them officially but never got around to it. Hopefully you can still see how amazing this vacation was for me even four months later.

Jamaica day 1 (written on September 17th 2012)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I don’t know if I just got so busy that I lost my steam or if I just felt that it wasn’t as rewarding as it used to be. I have had a ton of really cool stuff and some not so cool stuff happen to me in this period of absence so it not that I haven’t had things to write about. My mom asked why I was bringing my laptop to Jamaica with me because she though it seemed like just something heavy to lug around and asking for it to be stolen. I mean why take the risk. I told her that the main reason was that I wanted to be able to blog about my time  here and maybe f I am able to pick up some steam on this vacation I’ll be able to get back to a really nice place where I can write about the everyday parts of my life.

So yeah anyways I’m in Jamaica. I arrived this afternoon and it is a super amazing place. My hotel looks over this cove and the ocean and its all blue and turquoise. It’s exactly what the picture on the Internet showed. As we were landing in Montego Bay I’ll admit I had a tear in my eye maybe even more then one. It  wasn’t that I was sad or anything but the exact opposite. I was so proud of myself for being here and doing this.  When I went to Guatemala it was partly a gift from my aunt. She had paid for the airfare and I remember my mom gave me 500 dollars and a present right before I left. Between the two of them I was able to have a really great trip but part of me always felt that it wasn’t the vacation I would have picked.  It was more that I couldn’t say no cause they were doing these amazing things for me. I know more then one person said that they wouldn't have gone alone. but here i am alone in a foreign country that I knew nothing about before a few months ago and even still know very little. How freaking awesome am I.

So fast forward to now. Here I am in a country I know nothing about. I found a hotel on the Internet and it looked beautiful.  So I booked this 9 night trip and paid for it all  by myself .I should mention that I paid for it by working my ass off. And from what I can tell in the short time I have been here this is a close to a dream vacation as I could ask for. Beach… miles of it full of fish and turtles and dolphins and all these other creatures I dream about seeing. And people who as so nice and friendly and laid back just as I am. And its all paid for already but I also have a whole other set of money to just decided to use later if I want or not.  I have food taken care of. Drinks yeah those all included too. And trust me that first rum drink I had while sitting on the beach was magical, and I’m not even a huge drinker, well not yet but ask me again in 9 days...lol.   It’s like they plucked this place out of my dreams and made it my reality.  For someone who doesn’t get to travel much its exciting beyond you could ever imagine.

So that’s where I’m at. I have no agenda but I figure in the next 9 days I’ll have explored a ton of this place.  I already love the people here because like I said they share my views towards life, they are laid back go with the flow and all about relaxing.  My goal is to try to come out of my shell a little. Maybe talk to people and try to make a friend or two but at least join in with other people.  For someone who considers herself socially retarded that’s a scary though but whatever maybe the vacation Martha will be super social. But for today I have to go get some of that said free already paid for food,  cause I’m starving then I’m going to sit out on the beach  and watch the sun set. Pretty awesome way to end a whole night of travel and  I couldn’t ask for anything better.

I'm back

Hello everyone. I am very sorry for my very long almost year delay between postings. I have a million excuses but none which will really explain it in truth. I honestly just got really busy and I made writing a very low priority on a long list of things that I need to get done each day. But I have decided that doing this blog has been one of the best things I have done and want to make sure that I keep it up. I have been very proud of all that I have written and I love coming to strange realizations of my life through all these random musings. So what have I been up to in the last year you ask? Well the big thing is that I started back at school. I was so freaked out and nervous about doing something so major. I mean how hard was it going to be to have to work full time and also be a full time student. I'll admit it has sucked super bad.  But  also what I have found is the same thing I have found other times I have been in school; which is that I love it. Being able to learn stuff that is new, or just finding how something connects after not realizing it, brings me a lot of satisfaction. School is good for me and what I have always known is that I'm good at at as long as I try a bit. I'm smart and usually willing to make sacrifices necessary to accomplish my goals as long as the goals are my own goals and not just forced upon me. I'll get more into this over the next few posts I'm sure. Well I just wanted to check back in and say hi. I have a lot of crazy things to write about that have happened in the last year and I'm sure many more things to come. Thank you all again who are reading this. I love doing it but its great knowing that some of you are out there following it too.

picking up extra shifts

I have been spending a large amount of my time recently working extra shifts at a different hospital. It has really thrown my whole schedule out of whack, but it’s been nice to get to go back to a day practice and do some of the tasks I have missed since working in emergency. I forget how much I like cleaning really gross heavy tarter of teeth or taking perfect dental x-rays like a pro.   Oh and getting the chance to lead and teach in a way that I seem to be unable to do in my current situation. It’s been a nice experience and the extra money is a much loved bonus. See each hour I have worked at this hospital its time and half because it’s for the same company. Pretty sweet deal right?

So with me doing all this extra work (and when I say extra work I mean two days a week extra, that’s 20+ hours more in addition to my normal 40+. Yes that mean 60+ hour weeks I have been working these last two months) Is that I never have the time to do anything else. I haven't been able to go do wildlife rehab in forever. I have stopped being able to see my friends at our weekly breakfast get together.  I haven't had time to even think about going on a date or even trying to meet someone who I'd want to date if I did have the time. I haven’t seen my little sister in almost a month. And don’t get me started on my own pets and house; I have dishes galore piled up and my poor cats once had to resort to eating some moldy veggies out of the trash to survive starvation! Well until they puked it all up a few hours later in my living room.  I have become a shitty pet owner who barely has the time to throw some food in their bowls, flip a few turtle lights on or off, and chuck a few hunks of kale into the tanks to be devoured. And let’s not even mention poor Morgan, who seems to spend more time in the kennel in the back of my car then in my house. Because see in addition to all this extra work at this other hospital I’m doing, I have also done this gigantic amount of house and pet sitting for other people’s animals. That’s the truly ironic part about this last month and a half; see as I have started to neglect my own animals more and more, I am working my ass off to care for other people’s awesomely instead. 

So yeah I suck. I know… But I find comfort in knowing that all this sucking is for a purpose and that purpose is going to make it all worthwhile in the future. Soon I am going be in a position to reveal some crazy life plans here with you all, and then you’ll also get to see that my actions are for a much better good.   I have some major life changes in the works and I am getting excited to share these with people and start the path to this new life I am planning. But until then (or at least for tonight), I am taking a night off; the first in a whole week where I have actually am able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle with the cats and dogs that I love more than anything. Tomorrow I am going to make the turtles a large meal of something special, hopefully making up for all my crappyness this last month.  And I’m going to enjoy being able to do nothing except catch up on my TiVo and write a very long overdue blog entry or two. I also have a great evening planned with my little sis hopefully being able to do something fun.  Oh and a sink full of dishes I must wash cause I’m out of spoons which isn't fun exactly but must get done nonetheless.

So yeah that’s what has been happening since I last posted here. I guess as my mom said to me just today, I am lucky to be young enough where all this work isn’t totally killing me and lucky that I am in a field where I get to have a job, much less one that I like and sometimes I get to get paid overtime to go out and do every day.  I guess in that regard I really can’t complain.